RESULTS ARE IN FOR S.6, E.2

You guys are so crazy with your amazing theories. Thanks again for sending them in, here are my favorites from Episode 2.

Question 1: How come Bette can't recognize her college roommate who she once wanted to fuck?

Bette loves to fuck ladies and that fucks with her memory and actually blacks out friends and lovers. It's a mental illness. I suffer from it too. - Sammy

V. curious Sammy. I think I've heard of this "fucks-a-lot-syndrome", I hope I'm never afflicted by it.

Question 2: Seriously, I meant it, Why is Tom with Max? Some insight is
appreciated. Doesn't he miss cocko?


It's actually a misconception that Tom was ever gay. He's always been straight, he's just incredibly metro-sexual and comfortable with bromances. - Jane


I think we need to go back a few seasons and do some due diligence. I'm thinking maybe Moira is just super tight, like a butt.

Question 3: What ever happened to Dusty?

Betty ate her - Alexa

You're a genius. Totally agreed. Betty is going to eat everyone on the show I'm sure.

The L-Word: Least Likely (S.6 E.2)

I'm such an angry dyke!

NICKY'S SAD AND GONNA KILL

Wow, Kate French is possibly the worst actress in the world. But, I
love this crazy long shot of her going nuts and all her friends
pampering her. Highlights definitely included when they googled
"Show-mance" and then when Nicky threatened her friend and took her
out of her "top 5", quite hilarious. Thank you L-Word for becoming a
short T-Mobile commercial, I hope you got paid for that Chaiken-bacon.

Best part ever though, Nicky looking off camera, and screaming at no
one in particular that Jenny "is a user." Fucking amazing. Ending with
"You are dead meat Schecter. Dead." Truer words were never spoken.
(Cause Jenny's dead.)

KELENA OR FRUMPS?

Who are these two frumps hanging out with this drag queen? Oh, its Kelena.

Kit, I have just a quick question for you, why would you say "we've
both sworn off men" about yourself and a LESBIAN? That is quite
literally one of the dumbest things that has ever come out of Kit's
mouth and Kit has said some pretty dumb things.

WAFFLES FOR JENNY'S LOVE

Question, did Shane arrive at the Planet early after being drunk all
night and cook up some waffles or did she bring them from home? Either
way, pretty weird, no? Truly enjoyed their middle-school exchange of,
"Alice, can you tell Shane that I don't want her waffles?"

Uh oh. I have a bad feeling our hot little friend Tina is going to go
Piguman on us again. She is craving those damn waffles. This is not
good. She better be careful or she gonna get BIIIIG again and I'm
gonna fall out of love with her.

Kinda love that even this show is acknowledging the two idiot groups
of friends as the "Martyrs" and the "Cheaters".

How DARE ALICE for writing a TREATMENT! Doesn't she know that JENNY
SCHECHTER is the writer in this gay group? DAMN YOU TO HELL ALICE.
Schecter couldn't hate her more. Which is delightful. Good old Jenny,
hating her friends. She looks like death in this scene. Oh, that's
because she's dead.

Old piguman reared her ugly head again to Alice and Tasha. Why would
you mention to a couple the fact that they are going to therapy? That
is totally fucking weird. I would kills myself and my lova. I think
Tasha should have told off Tina, not Alice, after that shit.

"You look a million dollars" Helena To Rose Rollins, she's right.

Really, Bette and Tina, a new baby? Really? Only good thing about them
having a baby; gives Jenny the chance to be a total CUNT to her
"friends" again and again. Jenny really is such a jerk to her friends,
its just bizarre.

WEIRDNESS ALERT

Why do Max and Tom just weirdly saunter by Jenny's house when Shane is
installing flower pots? It makes no sense, have you been to LA? People
don't just fucking walk around. That's not what happens there, they
drive. Btw, this scene was another excellent example of Jenny being a
CUNT to her friends, not asking Max anything but "can you fix my
computer." I wish she was dead. Oh, just remembered, she is. Yaay.

LEZ BORING

This movie drama is driving me lez crazy. When is Tina going to get
fired? Soon, right? She is begin' for it.

Best line of this scene, "Get on board, Tina, the Train's not going to
Lezzy town."

ART OBJECTS ARE BRILLIANT

Bette Porter is a work of art, you are too right, Jodi. Too too right.
I can already see the Jodi / Bette rumble. Who's going to get fired?
Bette, right?

Absolutely adore the old guy who asks Jodi in front of Bette, "Can I
ask how she responded to your work?" ... Um, old guy, Bette isn't
deaf, Jodi is. You're speaking out loud to the deaf one in front of the
hearing one. You are very stupid.

SICKNESS ALERT

Ack. Naked man alert. Oh wait a second. That is an older woman. Yack.

"Joyce, cover your junk!"

Wow. That is disgusting. The worst. But I believe it, Joyce Wyshnia
definitely has JUNK down there. Yack. This scene is so out of date,
Prop 8 passed fellas, you can't get married no more.

If my girlfriend proposes to me by stripping naked and saying, "This
is all I have to offer you," she better either be smoking hot or
insane, cause that's just stupid.

"HOT DAMN LADY!"


RETARDNESS ALERT

"Pregnancy does not compute"

"Max, I'm afraid there's a problem ... You're pregnant."

CHAIKEN-BACON, what the fuck are you doing? Really, you're stealing
from the fucking headlines and making MAX a pregnant man?

"If you and tom had vaginal sex, i know you might not call it that."
Um, does anyone call it that? Have you ever heard a hetero couple say,
"hey let's have vaginal sex tonight!" ... nope. Stupidest thing ever.
It does make me wonder what they call it, anus sex with a lips and a
clit on top?

No surprise here, Max is a mother fucking animal at the doctors. He
has always been a psycho but ever since he started taking those roids
its just been the fucking worst time ever. This is where I'm really
stumped, if I was in Max's situation I would say to the doctor who
just told me I was preggers, "Ok, I need to get an abortion, can you
help?" But no, Max doesn't have his doctor set this up, instead he
just calls like planned parenthood blindly. Don't you think having a
referral through your OWN doctor would have made this a lot SMOOTHER
and more discrete? Please let Oprah come knocking on Max's door. Or
perhaps the old crows from "The Look."

Is this a hate crime? It's so hard to tell.

Max has pissed me off to no end in this episode. Did he really have to
call Tom a faggot 100 times and kick him in the mother fucking balls?
Uncalled for. Also shave your ugly beard. Oh wait, instead, go play
machine gun video games like a REAL MAN. Brava. You did. And you broke
your phone. You're sooooo tough, Max. And yes, I did mean Brava not
Bravo cause you're pregnant. Fag dads. Tom is being sweet, why the
fuck does he like Moira/Max?

Men play video games when they're mad!

TUNE UP

Oh, man, this tune up is such a great interlude. Alice is being just
too hilarious, saying everything that Tasha resents. Imagine if you
had the balls to say all the stuff you thought your girlfriend
resented about you to her, that would be fucking wild, right? Probably
a fun exercise that would involve a lot of crying actually.

Be cuter. Now, break up. Yaay.

So cute at the end of the session when they were like getting all
pumped up and promising each other things. And then, that doctor
fucking told them off . What the fuck kind of therapist tells a couple
they are not right for each other after the first session? A bad one.

Even cuter when they just fucked in the mini cooper afterward. Soooo cute.

Still cuter, their dumb ass pro and con list. "Why con gotta be
black?" Hilarious Tasha, merci for that. Only to be topped by, "Red
represents the devil." They are awfully cute though, with the points
and whatnot, come on, they want to be together so bad, but they're so
terrible together. Cute, cute, cute.

LESBIAN TRIFECTA IS ALMOST COMPLETE

"I'm so .. I'm so ... I'm so SCARED."

Thanks to J.Beals getting her BFF, Elizabeth Berkley on the L-Word, we
just need Gina Gershon to come on and to have the perfect Lesbian
trifecta.

Wow, Bette, you are so fucking rude to Tina, its kinda amazing but
retarded too, all at the same time. I mean, she is standing RIGHT
there, just introduce her and then keep flirting, its not that HARD.

Honestly, how can you NOT recognize your old college roommate? That is
senseless. Omg, you know what would be a fucking amazing spin off for
the L-Word, Bette The College Years. Right? OMG. I wish they were
doing that instead of fucking Alice in WonderJail or whatever terrible
thing they've come up with.

How is it that Bette and Jodi haven't talked at all since all this
shit went down? Like not even anything? That just seems fucking
retarded. Didn't you kinda of expect for Jodi and Bette to start
making out in the background when Tina and Elizabeth Berkley were
talking? I would have put money on it.

Bette is a vampire. Haha. Tina is being kinda sweet though, about
letting Bette be who she is.

Bette: "You need to trust that I know who I am and I know what to do with it"
Tina" "I don't know what that means"

"Ooo, I like our bra and underwear sets."

Thank god Tina said that, think it was ad-libbed though, because I had
no idea what was going on. I like that they are wearing matching bra
and undies sets. Is it just me or has this season been SUPER light on
the sex? Um, we only got like 4 more eps, can we get some naked ladies
up in here? Thank you.

KELENA PART 2

Dylan coming back and being super gay, is probs one of the dumbest
twists ever. Really not happy about this. Alice is sweet though,
trying to stand up for Helena and then not being able to say shit.
Where is this plot line going? It makes little to no sense. Like
after you extorted someone saying, "I'm sorry for the way I behaved,"
um that doesn't even begin to say anything about what you did.

Alice is amazing recapping Helena's life for the last 2 seasons. Loved
it. Thank you for that.

SHENNY??? EW.

Don't look directly at this, you might turn to stone.

Come on! COME ON, Chiaken-bacon. Why you gotta do this to me? You're
fucking making me want to puke my pants. Shane was all ready to give
up on Jenny, she was packing up her shit and LEAVING. And then you
gotta make Jenny be IN LOVE with Shane, like IN LOVE, IN LOVE, like
"let's make out" IN LOVE? FUCK. I'm gonna fucking puke it. I swear to
god. You're quite literally making me sick.

PREVIEWS

Yeah, so, Chaiken-bacon is totally setting up every episode so EVERY
single episode has one character (this ep it was Nicky) saying that
they want Jenny dead. Um, that is kinda stupid and kinda great. I hope
the last episode is Jenny saying, I wish I was dead and then drowning
herself.

MISSING LINKS

Once again, I'd like to ask for your help tying up a few loose ends.
So please send all your theories to afterportia@gmail.com and I'll
post the best ones.

How come Bette can't recognize her college roommate who she once wanted to fuck?

Seriously, I meant it, Why is Tom with Max? Some insight is
appreciated. Doesn't he miss cocko?

What ever happened to Dusty?

QUOTE OF THE EP

SOOOOO META.

"And don't even get started on the kids cause where did they go?" Alice

RESULTS ARE IN FOR S.6, E.1

Wow. Thank you all for your in-pouring of theories from our Missing Links section of last week's post. I had no clue I'd get so many responses. Merci, Merci beaucoup. Here are my favorites, some are slightly condensed.

Question 1, Lover Cindy was at the movie wrap party but then the rest of the night, she was MIA. Where did this little monkey go? Thoughts?

Cindy probably walked off a cliff cause she is a dumb blond. xo, sarah

I think that skank probably got wicked drunk and dragged her ragged ass back to Dawn Denbo. Ew, she was such a tramp. But kinda sexy. Lois

Question 2, When did Jenny get a new mole? Or is that a pimple with bad makeup? Go back to about 56 minutes into the episode.

Jenny got that mole when she fell in love with SHANE. WTF? Terri

It's a pimple with a dose of bad makeup on top. Susan

L-WORD SEASON 6 PREMIERE

Don't look too dead to me.

JENNY'S DEAD ... SHOCKER, NOT

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks to Chaiken we all knew well before the Season Six Premiere that Jenny was gonna die. Kudos for your classy ending to a series that began with this little baby-dyke moving to L.A., Chaiken-Bacon, kudos. No, after the meta-tastic Season 5, I wasn't remotely shocked that the CB went this route. How very poetic. But, I ask you this one question about the opening to Season 6: why are you wasting Lucy Lawless (many a dyke's wet dream) as Sgt. Mary Beth Duffy? And why did you make Lucy Lawless Irish? That's just weird.

Ok, getting back to the opening. My favorite interchange and I quote.

Mary Beth: Who's the home owner please?
Bette: I am, I'm Bette Porter.
Mary Beth: Bette Porter?
Bette: And this is my partner, Tina Kenard.
Mary Beth: That's a very beautiful family you have.

Um, what the fuck? First of all, since when does a Sarge investigating a homicide with 7 suspects comment, "That's a very beautiful family you have?" Um, NEVER. I'm serious, I watch CSI, Law & Order, Without a Trace, etc., and cops do not give a shit about the victim's friends and they certainly don't weirdly hit on them slash compliment their faggot families. I don't care if this is L.A.

Favorite moment #2: when they wheeled Jenny through the house, parading her dead body in front of all her friends and Mary Beth actually STOPPED the gurney to check out the dead body in front of everyone including a motherfucking child. Wow. That is beyond retardation.

RANDOM RECAP FROM SEASON 5

Ok, so Jenny's dead and we flash backwards 3 months, to Season 5 Finale. Um, Chaiken-Bacon, I would have rather you gave us an amazing recap package at the top of the show and not done this, but whatev, you want to re-use old shit, that's your prerogative.

Is anyone else floored by Jenny saying that she loves her friends? "You guys have shown my loyalty, and so much compassion, and friendship. And i think that's what Lez Girls is all about. It means the world to me, more than any other movie or lover."

Um, Jenny, you fucking hate your friends! How could you forget? Remember how you fucking used and abused just about everyone (most delightfully Tina) last season?

And the best part is all those jerks are sitting there smiling at Jenny's speech. Um, what are you idiots smiling about, you fucking hate Jenny too!? So confused by this entire scene. Really. So confused.

Loved Adele smoking a little cigarillo when Tina confronted her about changing the ending of Lez Girls. But just a note to Tina, if I was a movie exec I wouldn't bring my lova, friend and sister-in-dyke into the conversation in front of everyone I worked with. Fucking 'tarded.

CHASE SCENE! YA.

OMG, this fucking chase scene is cracking me up. The cuts back in forth from them "driving" to the cars swerving through traffic are HILARIOUS. And then when Shane's face pops up on Jenny's phone, I almost died it was so funny although I'm pretty sure this was a serious scene and not slapstick.

ALICE AND TASHA ALMOST BREAK UP

First thought, damn Leisha, you look OLD. Fuck man. Get some botox, yo.

Second thought, love that Tasha, because she's been in the military and only has military style bags to pack her shit in. Well done.

Third thought, yes Tasha, you're right, you have nothing in common.

Fourth thought, do lesbos really all cheat on each other? Yack.

Fifth thought, really, another chase scene? This time with a motorcycle and a fucking Mini Cooper? Really, Chaikes, two chase scenes? Damn girl, you got nothing left huh?

Sixth Thought, yaaay Papi is back.

Seventh thought, Gabby is back! Yaah, she is so gross and eats liverworst, ew, I like her, I don't know why but I do. Maybe its the sex hair.

Eighth thought, Tasha and Alice are cute on the pull-out couch. Awww, don't break up. Rose Rollins is so pretty, I like looking at her.

He, he, he. We almost broke up!

THE PORTER-KINARDS

Really, Bette, did you just tell Tina to call William in the middle of the night? Can you imagine if someone from Bette's work called her at 1am? She would fucking eat them alive, like what the fuck?

Tina, "How hard is it to be faithful to someone you're in love with?" Ha. So sad, right? They are SO setting Bette up to cheat her ass off. And how did they become so perfectly happy? Wasn't Tina sorta having seconds thoughts circa the last ep of Season 5?

Is heterosexist a word? Wild. I like it, I want to use it and feel like a real feminist pig and will maybe take off my bra and go wild.

Bette is so hilarious with her bureaucratic maggot speech. And so stupid with her not being able to read a thermometer. What a sidewinder she is. Also, loved when these two idiots kissed over their own baby's sick head, very cute. But, Bette, can you grow some motherfucking balls and stop kissing T's ass about the cheating thing. Wow, Bette is so fucking p-whipped.

Let's share a kiss on top of our sick baby. yah!

NICKY, SHANE AND JENNY ... Do I smell a Threesome? Nah.


OMG, most hilarious moment, Nicky sitting down on the couch to beg for forgiveness and then checking her phone and going, "Oh no, poor Tiffy."

Greatest dialogue exchange of this

Shane (RE: Molly): "She gave me hope, she inspired me."

Jenny: "She inspired you to fuck my girlfriend? ...."
Shane: " I didn't fuck your girlfriend."
Nicky: "Jenny, she only ate me out."

Ok, what was going on wtih Jenny's BLOOMERS? I was so weirded out by her bra and bloomers outfit. When Jenny invited Nicky over and like threw her on the bed, did anyone else think that she was going to knee Nicky right in the clit and effectively render it powerless? Cause I did. I was terrified for that poor girl's Vagina with a capital V. That was so terrifying, my clit got scared. And then, did she fuck her with a strap-on? Because I see all her hands, I mean, if you're having make-up sex, going and getting a strap-on and putting it on seems like a lot of work. Oh wait a second, I think she just had that strap-on on the whole time, it was just hidden under her bloomers. I KNEW something was going on under those big blooms.

KELANA 4EVA

Omg, I didn't know they fired Pam Grier and hired Cleopatra to play Kit. Wild. Wild casting. Oh wait, that's Pam. How'd she get skinny? She should call Oprah and let her know how to lose those lbs. Um, "Hit Club" is a dumb name. Sounds like an downtown L.A. alley to score drugs.

Speaking of, does anyone else have a problem with a giant alcoholic running a nightclub? Like the Planet is fine cause its mainly a coffee shop, but this seems not great. If only Ivan knew, he/she would freak his/her shit.

Thank god that Helena went to prison, cause now she knows how to be a body guard. Helena is amazing, in every way, god I love her. Thank god she is back. Why didn't they just let Shane sleep in that little nest? I liked it.

MOLLY IS SAD, JENNY IS MEAN

Poor Molly. Jenny just cannot give anyone a fucking break, right? Like come on man, Molly is being so cute and you are being such a fucking cunt bag. After that crazy ass speech like an hour ago? You are too much Jenny, I'm glad you're dead. Get that fucking leather jacket down from the attic you fuckwad and give it to Shane.

Ack, this reminds me of Flowers for Alganon, or in the Attic, or wherever those flowers were. Scary.

AM I ON ANOTHER PLANET? (no pun intended)

Can anyone tell me what universe this season of the L-Word is living in? Why do they constantly have to change everyone's personality and history every fucking season? Like, why was Shane saying that Jenny is so delicate? Um, she is not delicate at all. Yes, she is a motherfucking sociopath, but she that doesn't make you delicate. No, Kit, her life has NOT been just one big ass whooping. She's a fucking published author, sold a movie, and has a fucking porsche, that's not too fucking bad.

MORNING AFTER ... PILL

Kinda adore the awkward morning at the Planet. Just because Jenny invites TINA and TASHA to have a drink with her. Um, those are probably the two worst people, who have nothing in common and nothing to talk about with one another to "have a drink with." Well played, Jenny, make your morning even worse.

Kit is too funny, "Come on now. You all gotta be kiddin' right?"

MOST THANKFUL FOR

There was no Max in this episode, ah, what a delightful treat. Oh, wait, there was a small little snippet of that beast in the opening of the show, with his gross mustache.

MISSING LINKS

So, this episode left me wondering about a few things, so I'm enlisting your help to figure them out. If you have a theory please email me and I'll post my favorites, afterportia@gmail.com

Question 1, Lover Cindy was at the movie wrap party but then the rest of the night, she was MIA. Where did this little monkey go? Thoughts?

Question 2, When did Jenny get a new mole? Or is that a pimple with bad makeup? Go back to about 56 minutes into the episode.

QUOTE OF THE EP

Alice, "Papi, what the hell are you doing here? You disappeared."

So. So. So Meta.

Double Shot of the Clap

Ikki is an understatement.

Can I just say, MTV, you have DONE it again. I'm so incredibly impressed with the depths you have sunk. I thought Tila Tequila was just about the dirtiest bisexual anyone could find but no, you found fucking TWINS, sick.

Not only are they bisexual twins, but their names are Vikki and Rikki and they go by the "ikki" twins. That is so disgusting and clearly a precursor to the rampant clap that is going to be passed around from one guido to one twin to one dyke to another twin and then back to the original guido on A Double Shot at Love.

I can already predict the final episode: Rikki and Vikki pick each other and have a major incestuous lesbian make out session.

btw, please check out their website where there are pics of one of them literally getting her ass eaten out. Redick.

Gay's Anatomy Episode 3

"It puts the lotion on its Callie or else it gets the hose again."

God bless that big lady from Silence of the Lambs for saying she would try to take off that big lady from Spamalot's clothing at the end of their date. Quite lovely really. Seriously, Hahn is being so fucking cute and adorable, totally gay, finally realizing it, and wants to hook up with and look at naked ladies, even if it is a piguman.

Bride of Piguman

Is it just me or is it that whenever you find out someone's gay they get prettier? Well, at least Hahn is way prettier now, but piguman is still a piguman. I don't like how nervous and freaked out Callie was being about the date. She should be so lucky that a big ol'dyke wants to take her on a fancy date and take off her clothes. Bailey's face was fucking priceless when Callie was chatting her up about going south of the border, no one wants to think about Callie naked.

So, I heard that Grey's actually had some lesbo or gay consultants talk to the writers about this little lesbian adventure, but really, "safe words?" Lesbian sex doesn't need safe words, that's what it is by definition: no pregnancy, no rape, you always come, and no penis.

Didn't Callie look positively enormous at dinner? Hahn looked pretty cute and rather slim actually. I think I love her. Hahn is so cute right now, I love her, love her, love her, just wanting to take it slow, you know she wants to go all the way but is acting cool about it.

Please go all the way next episode, thank you.

Btw, did you all hear that there is going to be a new Bi character on Gay's that has a history (oops, I mean HERstory, barf) with one Meredith Grey? Oh wait, of course you heard this, cause you already read After Ellen.

Baby Dyke's Dreams Do Come True!

As I'm sure all my little dykes out there have heard, Lindsay Lohan admitted this week to her relationship with Samantha Ronson. Finally, all the little baby dykes, have a A-lister to look up to that is HOT. (No offense Heather Matarazzo, but you are neither an A-lister nor hot, that goes for you too Clea Duvall, although you are hotter, not quite an A-lister) But seriously, my fedora is off to you LiLo and Ronson, thanks for perhaps making it a little easier for middle school lesbos everywhere.

For those of you who want to hear it live, listen to it hear. Aww, they are really taking the gayness to the hilt this week, even wearing flannel in true dyke style, brava ladies!

ah, truely dykealicious!

By the way, I think that Clay Aiken coming out probably made it a lot harder for teen gay boys everywhere, so teen-gay -boys, I'm so sorry for that.