After Portia

RESULTS ARE IN FOR S.6, E.2

2009-02-06T11:00:00.004-05:00

You guys are so crazy with your amazing theories. Thanks again for sending them in, here are my favorites from Episode 2.

Question 1: How come Bette can't recognize her college roommate who she once wanted to fuck?

Bette loves to fuck ladies and that fucks with her memory and actually blacks out friends and lovers. It's a mental illness. I suffer from it too. - Sammy

V. curious Sammy. I think I've heard of this "fucks-a-lot-syndrome", I hope I'm never afflicted by it.

Question 2: Seriously, I meant it, Why is Tom with Max? Some insight is
appreciated. Doesn't he miss cocko?

It's actually a misconception that Tom was ever gay. He's always been straight, he's just incredibly metro-sexual and comfortable with bromances. - Jane

I think we need to go back a few seasons and do some due diligence. I'm thinking maybe Moira is just super tight, like a butt.

Question 3: What ever happened to Dusty?

Betty ate her - Alexa

You're a genius. Totally agreed. Betty is going to eat everyone on the show I'm sure.

The L-Word: Least Likely (S.6 E.2)

2009-02-03T09:12:00.007-05:00

I'm such an angry dyke!

NICKY'S SAD AND GONNA KILL

Wow, Kate French is possibly the worst actress in the world. But, I
love this crazy long shot of her going nuts and all her friends
pampering her. Highlights definitely included when they googled
"Show-mance" and then when Nicky threatened her friend and took her
out of her "top 5", quite hilarious. Thank you L-Word for becoming a
short T-Mobile commercial, I hope you got paid for that Chaiken-bacon.

Best part ever though, Nicky looking off camera, and screaming at no
one in particular that Jenny "is a user." Fucking amazing. Ending with
"You are dead meat Schecter. Dead." Truer words were never spoken.
(Cause Jenny's dead.)

KELENA OR FRUMPS?

Who are these two frumps hanging out with this drag queen? Oh, its Kelena.

Kit, I have just a quick question for you, why would you say "we've
both sworn off men" about yourself and a LESBIAN? That is quite
literally one of the dumbest things that has ever come out of Kit's
mouth and Kit has said some pretty dumb things.

WAFFLES FOR JENNY'S LOVE

Question, did Shane arrive at the Planet early after being drunk all
night and cook up some waffles or did she bring them from home? Either
way, pretty weird, no? Truly enjoyed their middle-school exchange of,
"Alice, can you tell Shane that I don't want her waffles?"

Uh oh. I have a bad feeling our hot little friend Tina is going to go
Piguman on us again. She is craving those damn waffles. This is not
good. She better be careful or she gonna get BIIIIG again and I'm
gonna fall out of love with her.

Kinda love that even this show is acknowledging the two idiot groups
of friends as the "Martyrs" and the "Cheaters".

How DARE ALICE for writing a TREATMENT! Doesn't she know that JENNY
SCHECHTER is the writer in this gay group? DAMN YOU TO HELL ALICE.
Schecter couldn't hate her more. Which is delightful. Good old Jenny,
hating her friends. She looks like death in this scene. Oh, that's
because she's dead.

Old piguman reared her ugly head again to Alice and Tasha. Why would
you mention to a couple the fact that they are going to therapy? That
is totally fucking weird. I would kills myself and my lova. I think
Tasha should have told off Tina, not Alice, after that shit.

"You look a million dollars" Helena To Rose Rollins, she's right.

Really, Bette and Tina, a new baby? Really? Only good thing about them
having a baby; gives Jenny the chance to be a total CUNT to her
"friends" again and again. Jenny really is such a jerk to her friends,
its just bizarre.

WEIRDNESS ALERT

Why do Max and Tom just weirdly saunter by Jenny's house when Shane is
installing flower pots? It makes no sense, have you been to LA? People
don't just fucking walk around. That's not what happens there, they
drive. Btw, this scene was another excellent example of Jenny being a
CUNT to her friends, not asking Max anything but "can you fix my
computer." I wish she was dead. Oh, just remembered, she is. Yaay.

LEZ BORING

This movie drama is driving me lez crazy. When is Tina going to get
fired? Soon, right? She is begin' for it.

Best line of this scene, "Get on board, Tina, the Train's not going to
Lezzy town."

ART OBJECTS ARE BRILLIANT

Bette Porter is a work of art, you are too right, Jodi. Too too right.
I can already see the Jodi / Bette rumble. Who's going to get fired?
Bette, right?

Absolutely adore the old guy who asks Jodi in front of Bette, "Can I
ask how she responded to your work?" ... Um, old guy, Bette isn't
deaf, Jodi is. You're speaking out loud to the deaf one in front of the
hearing one. You are very stupid.

SICKNESS ALERT

Ack. Naked man alert. Oh wait a second. That is an older woman. Yack.

"Joyce, cover your junk!"

Wow. That is disgusting. The worst. But I believe it, Joyce Wyshnia
definitely has JUNK down there. Yack. This scene is so out of date,
Prop 8 passed fellas, you can't get married no more.

If my girlfriend proposes to me by stripping naked and saying, "This
is all I have to offer you," she better either be smoking hot or
insane, cause that's just stupid.

"HOT DAMN LADY!"

RETARDNESS ALERT

"Pregnancy does not compute"

"Max, I'm afraid there's a problem ... You're pregnant."

CHAIKEN-BACON, what the fuck are you doing? Really, you're stealing
from the fucking headlines and making MAX a pregnant man?

"If you and tom had vaginal sex, i know you might not call it that."
Um, does anyone call it that? Have you ever heard a hetero couple say,
"hey let's have vaginal sex tonight!" ... nope. Stupidest thing ever.
It does make me wonder what they call it, anus sex with a lips and a
clit on top?

No surprise here, Max is a mother fucking animal at the doctors. He
has always been a psycho but ever since he started taking those roids
its just been the fucking worst time ever. This is where I'm really
stumped, if I was in Max's situation I would say to the doctor who
just told me I was preggers, "Ok, I need to get an abortion, can you
help?" But no, Max doesn't have his doctor set this up, instead he
just calls like planned parenthood blindly. Don't you think having a
referral through your OWN doctor would have made this a lot SMOOTHER
and more discrete? Please let Oprah come knocking on Max's door. Or
perhaps the old crows from "The Look."

Is this a hate crime? It's so hard to tell.

Max has pissed me off to no end in this episode. Did he really have to
call Tom a faggot 100 times and kick him in the mother fucking balls?
Uncalled for. Also shave your ugly beard. Oh wait, instead, go play
machine gun video games like a REAL MAN. Brava. You did. And you broke
your phone. You're sooooo tough, Max. And yes, I did mean Brava not
Bravo cause you're pregnant. Fag dads. Tom is being sweet, why the
fuck does he like Moira/Max?

Men play video games when they're mad!

TUNE UP

Oh, man, this tune up is such a great interlude. Alice is being just
too hilarious, saying everything that Tasha resents. Imagine if you
had the balls to say all the stuff you thought your girlfriend
resented about you to her, that would be fucking wild, right? Probably
a fun exercise that would involve a lot of crying actually.

Be cuter. Now, break up. Yaay.

So cute at the end of the session when they were like getting all
pumped up and promising each other things. And then, that doctor
fucking told them off . What the fuck kind of therapist tells a couple
they are not right for each other after the first session? A bad one.

Even cuter when they just fucked in the mini cooper afterward. Soooo cute.

Still cuter, their dumb ass pro and con list. "Why con gotta be
black?" Hilarious Tasha, merci for that. Only to be topped by, "Red
represents the devil." They are awfully cute though, with the points
and whatnot, come on, they want to be together so bad, but they're so
terrible together. Cute, cute, cute.

LESBIAN TRIFECTA IS ALMOST COMPLETE

"I'm so .. I'm so ... I'm so SCARED."

Thanks to J.Beals getting her BFF, Elizabeth Berkley on the L-Word, we
just need Gina Gershon to come on and to have the perfect Lesbian
trifecta.

Wow, Bette, you are so fucking rude to Tina, its kinda amazing but
retarded too, all at the same time. I mean, she is standing RIGHT
there, just introduce her and then keep flirting, its not that HARD.

Honestly, how can you NOT recognize your old college roommate? That is
senseless. Omg, you know what would be a fucking amazing spin off for
the L-Word, Bette The College Years. Right? OMG. I wish they were
doing that instead of fucking Alice in WonderJail or whatever terrible
thing they've come up with.

How is it that Bette and Jodi haven't talked at all since all this
shit went down? Like not even anything? That just seems fucking
retarded. Didn't you kinda of expect for Jodi and Bette to start
making out in the background when Tina and Elizabeth Berkley were
talking? I would have put money on it.

Bette is a vampire. Haha. Tina is being kinda sweet though, about
letting Bette be who she is.

Bette: "You need to trust that I know who I am and I know what to do with it"
Tina" "I don't know what that means"

"Ooo, I like our bra and underwear sets."

Thank god Tina said that, think it was ad-libbed though, because I had
no idea what was going on. I like that they are wearing matching bra
and undies sets. Is it just me or has this season been SUPER light on
the sex? Um, we only got like 4 more eps, can we get some naked ladies
up in here? Thank you.

KELENA PART 2

Dylan coming back and being super gay, is probs one of the dumbest
twists ever. Really not happy about this. Alice is sweet though,
trying to stand up for Helena and then not being able to say shit.
Where is this plot line going? It makes little to no sense. Like
after you extorted someone saying, "I'm sorry for the way I behaved,"
um that doesn't even begin to say anything about what you did.

Alice is amazing recapping Helena's life for the last 2 seasons. Loved
it. Thank you for that.

SHENNY??? EW.

Don't look directly at this, you might turn to stone.

Come on! COME ON, Chiaken-bacon. Why you gotta do this to me? You're
fucking making me want to puke my pants. Shane was all ready to give
up on Jenny, she was packing up her shit and LEAVING. And then you
gotta make Jenny be IN LOVE with Shane, like IN LOVE, IN LOVE, like
"let's make out" IN LOVE? FUCK. I'm gonna fucking puke it. I swear to
god. You're quite literally making me sick.

PREVIEWS

Yeah, so, Chaiken-bacon is totally setting up every episode so EVERY
single episode has one character (this ep it was Nicky) saying that
they want Jenny dead. Um, that is kinda stupid and kinda great. I hope
the last episode is Jenny saying, I wish I was dead and then drowning
herself.

MISSING LINKS

Once again, I'd like to ask for your help tying up a few loose ends.
So please send all your theories to afterportia@gmail.com and I'll
post the best ones.

How come Bette can't recognize her college roommate who she once wanted to fuck?

Seriously, I meant it, Why is Tom with Max? Some insight is
appreciated. Doesn't he miss cocko?

What ever happened to Dusty?

QUOTE OF THE EP

SOOOOO META.

"And don't even get started on the kids cause where did they go?" Alice

RESULTS ARE IN FOR S.6, E.1

2009-01-29T23:46:00.003-05:00

Wow. Thank you all for your in-pouring of theories from our Missing Links section of last week's post. I had no clue I'd get so many responses. Merci, Merci beaucoup. Here are my favorites, some are slightly condensed.

Question 1, Lover Cindy was at the movie wrap party but then the rest of the night, she was MIA. Where did this little monkey go? Thoughts?

Cindy probably walked off a cliff cause she is a dumb blond. xo, sarah

I think that skank probably got wicked drunk and dragged her ragged ass back to Dawn Denbo. Ew, she was such a tramp. But kinda sexy. Lois

Question 2, When did Jenny get a new mole? Or is that a pimple with bad makeup? Go back to about 56 minutes into the episode.

Jenny got that mole when she fell in love with SHANE. WTF? Terri

It's a pimple with a dose of bad makeup on top. Susan

L-WORD SEASON 6 PREMIERE

2009-01-21T12:18:00.006-05:00

Don't look too dead to me.

JENNY'S DEAD ... SHOCKER, NOT

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks to Chaiken we all knew well before the Season Six Premiere that Jenny was gonna die. Kudos for your classy ending to a series that began with this little baby-dyke moving to L.A., Chaiken-Bacon, kudos. No, after the meta-tastic Season 5, I wasn't remotely shocked that the CB went this route. How very poetic. But, I ask you this one question about the opening to Season 6: why are you wasting Lucy Lawless (many a dyke's wet dream) as Sgt. Mary Beth Duffy? And why did you make Lucy Lawless Irish? That's just weird.

Ok, getting back to the opening. My favorite interchange and I quote.

Mary Beth: Who's the home owner please?
Bette: I am, I'm Bette Porter.
Mary Beth: Bette Porter?
Bette: And this is my partner, Tina Kenard.
Mary Beth: That's a very beautiful family you have.

Um, what the fuck? First of all, since when does a Sarge investigating a homicide with 7 suspects comment, "That's a very beautiful family you have?" Um, NEVER. I'm serious, I watch CSI, Law & Order, Without a Trace, etc., and cops do not give a shit about the victim's friends and they certainly don't weirdly hit on them slash compliment their faggot families. I don't care if this is L.A.

Favorite moment #2: when they wheeled Jenny through the house, parading her dead body in front of all her friends and Mary Beth actually STOPPED the gurney to check out the dead body in front of everyone including a motherfucking child. Wow. That is beyond retardation.

RANDOM RECAP FROM SEASON 5

Ok, so Jenny's dead and we flash backwards 3 months, to Season 5 Finale. Um, Chaiken-Bacon, I would have rather you gave us an amazing recap package at the top of the show and not done this, but whatev, you want to re-use old shit, that's your prerogative.

Is anyone else floored by Jenny saying that she loves her friends? "You guys have shown my loyalty, and so much compassion, and friendship. And i think that's what Lez Girls is all about. It means the world to me, more than any other movie or lover."

Um, Jenny, you fucking hate your friends! How could you forget? Remember how you fucking used and abused just about everyone (most delightfully Tina) last season?

And the best part is all those jerks are sitting there smiling at Jenny's speech. Um, what are you idiots smiling about, you fucking hate Jenny too!? So confused by this entire scene. Really. So confused.

Loved Adele smoking a little cigarillo when Tina confronted her about changing the ending of Lez Girls. But just a note to Tina, if I was a movie exec I wouldn't bring my lova, friend and sister-in-dyke into the conversation in front of everyone I worked with. Fucking 'tarded.

CHASE SCENE! YA.

OMG, this fucking chase scene is cracking me up. The cuts back in forth from them "driving" to the cars swerving through traffic are HILARIOUS. And then when Shane's face pops up on Jenny's phone, I almost died it was so funny although I'm pretty sure this was a serious scene and not slapstick.

ALICE AND TASHA ALMOST BREAK UP

First thought, damn Leisha, you look OLD. Fuck man. Get some botox, yo.

Second thought, love that Tasha, because she's been in the military and only has military style bags to pack her shit in. Well done.

Third thought, yes Tasha, you're right, you have nothing in common.

Fourth thought, do lesbos really all cheat on each other? Yack.

Fifth thought, really, another chase scene? This time with a motorcycle and a fucking Mini Cooper? Really, Chaikes, two chase scenes? Damn girl, you got nothing left huh?

Sixth Thought, yaaay Papi is back.

Seventh thought, Gabby is back! Yaah, she is so gross and eats liverworst, ew, I like her, I don't know why but I do. Maybe its the sex hair.

Eighth thought, Tasha and Alice are cute on the pull-out couch. Awww, don't break up. Rose Rollins is so pretty, I like looking at her.

He, he, he. We almost broke up!

THE PORTER-KINARDS

Really, Bette, did you just tell Tina to call William in the middle of the night? Can you imagine if someone from Bette's work called her at 1am? She would fucking eat them alive, like what the fuck?

Tina, "How hard is it to be faithful to someone you're in love with?" Ha. So sad, right? They are SO setting Bette up to cheat her ass off. And how did they become so perfectly happy? Wasn't Tina sorta having seconds thoughts circa the last ep of Season 5?

Is heterosexist a word? Wild. I like it, I want to use it and feel like a real feminist pig and will maybe take off my bra and go wild.

Bette is so hilarious with her bureaucratic maggot speech. And so stupid with her not being able to read a thermometer. What a sidewinder she is. Also, loved when these two idiots kissed over their own baby's sick head, very cute. But, Bette, can you grow some motherfucking balls and stop kissing T's ass about the cheating thing. Wow, Bette is so fucking p-whipped.

Let's share a kiss on top of our sick baby. yah!

NICKY, SHANE AND JENNY ... Do I smell a Threesome? Nah.

OMG, most hilarious moment, Nicky sitting down on the couch to beg for forgiveness and then checking her phone and going, "Oh no, poor Tiffy."

Greatest dialogue exchange of this

Shane (RE: Molly): "She gave me hope, she inspired me."

Jenny: "She inspired you to fuck my girlfriend? ...."
Shane: " I didn't fuck your girlfriend."
Nicky: "Jenny, she only ate me out."

Ok, what was going on wtih Jenny's BLOOMERS? I was so weirded out by her bra and bloomers outfit. When Jenny invited Nicky over and like threw her on the bed, did anyone else think that she was going to knee Nicky right in the clit and effectively render it powerless? Cause I did. I was terrified for that poor girl's Vagina with a capital V. That was so terrifying, my clit got scared. And then, did she fuck her with a strap-on? Because I see all her hands, I mean, if you're having make-up sex, going and getting a strap-on and putting it on seems like a lot of work. Oh wait a second, I think she just had that strap-on on the whole time, it was just hidden under her bloomers. I KNEW something was going on under those big blooms.

KELANA 4EVA

Omg, I didn't know they fired Pam Grier and hired Cleopatra to play Kit. Wild. Wild casting. Oh wait, that's Pam. How'd she get skinny? She should call Oprah and let her know how to lose those lbs. Um, "Hit Club" is a dumb name. Sounds like an downtown L.A. alley to score drugs.

Speaking of, does anyone else have a problem with a giant alcoholic running a nightclub? Like the Planet is fine cause its mainly a coffee shop, but this seems not great. If only Ivan knew, he/she would freak his/her shit.

Thank god that Helena went to prison, cause now she knows how to be a body guard. Helena is amazing, in every way, god I love her. Thank god she is back. Why didn't they just let Shane sleep in that little nest? I liked it.

MOLLY IS SAD, JENNY IS MEAN

Poor Molly. Jenny just cannot give anyone a fucking break, right? Like come on man, Molly is being so cute and you are being such a fucking cunt bag. After that crazy ass speech like an hour ago? You are too much Jenny, I'm glad you're dead. Get that fucking leather jacket down from the attic you fuckwad and give it to Shane.

Ack, this reminds me of Flowers for Alganon, or in the Attic, or wherever those flowers were. Scary.

AM I ON ANOTHER PLANET? (no pun intended)

Can anyone tell me what universe this season of the L-Word is living in? Why do they constantly have to change everyone's personality and history every fucking season? Like, why was Shane saying that Jenny is so delicate? Um, she is not delicate at all. Yes, she is a motherfucking sociopath, but she that doesn't make you delicate. No, Kit, her life has NOT been just one big ass whooping. She's a fucking published author, sold a movie, and has a fucking porsche, that's not too fucking bad.

MORNING AFTER ... PILL

Kinda adore the awkward morning at the Planet. Just because Jenny invites TINA and TASHA to have a drink with her. Um, those are probably the two worst people, who have nothing in common and nothing to talk about with one another to "have a drink with." Well played, Jenny, make your morning even worse.

Kit is too funny, "Come on now. You all gotta be kiddin' right?"

MOST THANKFUL FOR

There was no Max in this episode, ah, what a delightful treat. Oh, wait, there was a small little snippet of that beast in the opening of the show, with his gross mustache.

MISSING LINKS

So, this episode left me wondering about a few things, so I'm enlisting your help to figure them out. If you have a theory please email me and I'll post my favorites, afterportia@gmail.com

Question 1, Lover Cindy was at the movie wrap party but then the rest of the night, she was MIA. Where did this little monkey go? Thoughts?

Question 2, When did Jenny get a new mole? Or is that a pimple with bad makeup? Go back to about 56 minutes into the episode.

QUOTE OF THE EP

Alice, "Papi, what the hell are you doing here? You disappeared."

So. So. So Meta.

Double Shot of the Clap

2008-11-24T10:49:00.004-05:00

Ikki is an understatement.

Can I just say, MTV, you have DONE it again. I'm so incredibly impressed with the depths you have sunk. I thought Tila Tequila was just about the dirtiest bisexual anyone could find but no, you found fucking TWINS, sick.

Not only are they bisexual twins, but their names are Vikki and Rikki and they go by the "ikki" twins. That is so disgusting and clearly a precursor to the rampant clap that is going to be passed around from one guido to one twin to one dyke to another twin and then back to the original guido on A Double Shot at Love.

I can already predict the final episode: Rikki and Vikki pick each other and have a major incestuous lesbian make out session.

btw, please check out their website where there are pics of one of them literally getting her ass eaten out. Redick.

Gay's Anatomy Episode 3

2008-10-17T15:06:00.007-04:00

"It puts the lotion on its Callie or else it gets the hose again."

God bless that big lady from Silence of the Lambs for saying she would try to take off that big lady from Spamalot's clothing at the end of their date. Quite lovely really. Seriously, Hahn is being so fucking cute and adorable, totally gay, finally realizing it, and wants to hook up with and look at naked ladies, even if it is a piguman.

Bride of Piguman

Is it just me or is it that whenever you find out someone's gay they get prettier? Well, at least Hahn is way prettier now, but piguman is still a piguman. I don't like how nervous and freaked out Callie was being about the date. She should be so lucky that a big ol'dyke wants to take her on a fancy date and take off her clothes. Bailey's face was fucking priceless when Callie was chatting her up about going south of the border, no one wants to think about Callie naked.

So, I heard that Grey's actually had some lesbo or gay consultants talk to the writers about this little lesbian adventure, but really, "safe words?" Lesbian sex doesn't need safe words, that's what it is by definition: no pregnancy, no rape, you always come, and no penis.

Didn't Callie look positively enormous at dinner? Hahn looked pretty cute and rather slim actually. I think I love her. Hahn is so cute right now, I love her, love her, love her, just wanting to take it slow, you know she wants to go all the way but is acting cool about it.

Please go all the way next episode, thank you.

Btw, did you all hear that there is going to be a new Bi character on Gay's that has a history (oops, I mean HERstory, barf) with one Meredith Grey? Oh wait, of course you heard this, cause you already read After Ellen.

Baby Dyke's Dreams Do Come True!

2008-09-24T15:32:00.007-04:00

As I'm sure all my little dykes out there have heard, Lindsay Lohan admitted this week to her relationship with Samantha Ronson. Finally, all the little baby dykes, have a A-lister to look up to that is HOT. (No offense Heather Matarazzo, but you are neither an A-lister nor hot, that goes for you too Clea Duvall, although you are hotter, not quite an A-lister) But seriously, my fedora is off to you LiLo and Ronson, thanks for perhaps making it a little easier for middle school lesbos everywhere.

For those of you who want to hear it live, listen to it hear. Aww, they are really taking the gayness to the hilt this week, even wearing flannel in true dyke style, brava ladies!

ah, truely dykealicious!

By the way, I think that Clay Aiken coming out probably made it a lot harder for teen gay boys everywhere, so teen-gay -boys, I'm so sorry for that.

Sorry Lesbos, Lohan has a Boyfriend

2008-09-16T22:41:00.008-04:00

I'm sorry to break every little lady's heart out there but a fact is a fact: Lindsay Lohan has a new boyfriend. I know, I was devastated when I saw this picture myself. I thought that she and Sa-MAN-tha Ronson had a real future together. And of course, it is every gay's wet dream that Lindsay is one of us. Her mom also seems to be cool about it. All signs were pointing to another gay marriage. But alas, at a fashion show in NYC this past week, the above picture surfaced of LiLo and her new boif.

Back to the cocko!

I mean, he IS mighty handsome. Delicate little features though... Hmmm... why is he crossing his legs like a lady? What a second, is that a pork-pie hat under his chair? Heavens to Betsy! That IS Sa-MAN-tha Ronson! That sneaky little dyke! Looks like she just dyed the old hair but is still the boobie-loving GF of LiLo. Thank you baby j.

Phew, she still loves pink taco!

Ellen's homage to her own wedding

2008-09-09T21:43:00.003-04:00

Yes, I watched Ellen again today, I just couldn't help myself, ok? Give me a goddamn break. She teased the wedding pics yesterday and I could not help but watch. I've broken it down into pros and cons.

PRO: Portia was in the audience and she and Ellen did a cute little dance together.
CON: While the camera panned to Portia, we also caught a glimpse of Ellen's very dykey Executive Producer, Mary Connelly, and that was not so great.

PRO: Portia looked beautiful in all the pics.
CON: She officially has the old eyes, which is sad for any lady, and unfortunate to realize.

PRO: I appreciated that they didn't have a gigantic Hollywood wedding and kept it to like 20 peops.
CON: Approximately 3 of those peeps were their dogs and Ellen kept making out with one on the mouth.

PRO: During the montage, they played some sweet, sweet tunes.
CON: At the end, all of a sudden the artist of said sweet tunes was singing to Portia and Ellen and a super-close and uncomfortable proximity.

Ok, I got it out of my system. No, no, wait. Guess who is on the show tomorrow? Misty May and Kerry Walsh. So now I have to watch this fucking dance show AGAIN. GODDAMN YOU AND YOUR DANCING.

Ellen's Season 6 Premiere: Kinda of a Tease Bag

2008-09-08T16:15:00.004-04:00

Ok, let me just preface this by saying that I don't watch "Ellen" like ever, never, ever. However, today I just happened to catch it and she was such a goddamn pussy-tease. Yup, I said it. All the little dykes including me were watching to hear her talk about marrying the GLORIOUS Portia but of course she had to be a mother-effing tease about the whole thing. To be fair, at the beginning of the show she did mention it a wee bit. I think she actually made "ball and chain" jokes. Literally, she said "the old ball and chain" and "the little missus" - um, WHAT? Who are you? Then, Ellen had the balls... btw - what is the female equivalent of "balls?" lips? Can I say that? Is it disgusting? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.... So, Ellen had the lips to say, "Well, I was going to share pictures and videos of the wedding but the show was just so big today that I decided to wait until tomorrow." She teased HER OWN wedding pics/video. God hate you Ellen for forcing me to watch you tomorrow. You and your damned dancing.

Dyke Sights

2008-05-18T17:17:00.003-04:00

This is a new little posting I'm going to do whenever I have a good dyke sighting. It's a rare and lovely thing, but I'll do my best to keep you abreast of any and all dyke movements.

Saturday May 17th, West Village, NYC:

So, last night, some friends and I went by Cubby Hole, a classic dyke dive bar in the West Village. Shockingly, there was a huge ass line for the bar, so as we debated in the street whether to waste our time waiting on line just to fight off some butchies inside, I heard a familiar voice.

I thought, "Have my ears deceived me? I think Catherine Keener is in this line!" ... I whipped around to see none other than her "baby 'sis" Elizabeth "Dawn Denbo" Keener in line. Is the baby Keener a real life diz? Or is she just doing a little research for Season 6 of The L-Word?

Is the baby Keens a gay? Me thinks so.

As I was getting up the gumption to go ask the lil' Keens if she was a gay, a Taxi pulled up and you know who popped out? Lesbian blogger Sarah Warn from the old AfterEllen.

Dizzzzike for sure.

Two decent dyke (or might-be dyke) sightings for a night out in NYC. Needless to say, Keens and Warn both waited on line to get into Cubby and me and my friends peaced it and went to an obnoxious straight bar down the street.

The L-Word: Lay Down The Law ( S.5 E.8)

2008-03-10T13:46:00.005-04:00

HARD ASSED PRODUCER TINA LAYS THE SMACK DOWN
Is there nothing better than Tina and Jenny going at it? It's really the best thing ever. Like when Jenny is dealing with a wardrobe "crisis" - Nikki is fucking drama in a half shell - and Tina is all, "we have to get her a date to the premiere" and Jenny is all, "She has a date ... Me" and Tina goes, "Not unless you grow a penis." Plus Jenny has a monster hicky directly in the middle of her neck. Ew. It's weird.

BACK AT THE GYM

Tasha is punching bags ... and in the background a big man is punching bags ... as we approach this behemoth of a man begins to slowly turn, oh is that ... wait ... can it be! Yes, I think its Sly Stallone making a strange guest appearance as Rocky ... maybe he is here to give Tasha a pep talk .. how wonderful ... oh wait a second, that isn't Rocky .. . oh ... my ... god ... ew ... its fucking Kelly McPiggis ... ew.

Also, later, McPiggis sees a naked girl in the locker room of the ARMY and practically rapes her ... at least with her eyes. What the fuck? Be gayer. Like we KNOW you are GAY. Just be GAY

SHOCKER OF THE EPISODE

Another straight girl tries to fuck Shane - surprise surprise.

LESBIAN COUPLES DINNER

This is the only thing I like about jodi, she refuses to put up with Bette's shit .. like when Bette is pissed that she invited Tina without asking her first. Jodi is just like, "Well don't come." Fucking love that. Tina and Bette show their great old colors by doing some baby cat fighting when Bette signs at the table and Tina accuses her of doing it on purpose. There is the old constantly fighting Bette and Tina I know and hate!

I wish Tina and Bette had fucked on the roof on top of Jodi's latest sculpture. And that it was a sculpture of a big fat ear. That would have fucking made my night.

Has anyone else noticed that for a deaf person, Jodi has the BIGGEST EARS KNOWN TO MAN

JENNY GETS SNUBBED AT FILM PREMIERE

Nikki is seriously making Jenny a big pathetic pancake, right? Like can you believe this shit? The old sassafrass Jenny from 6 episodes ago would have busted her way into that premiere. Like the writers aren't even trying to keep Jenny consistent at ALL. Be MORE pathetic, she waited the ENTIRE length of the movie. Wow. Adele's manipulative powers are really in full force, you go Adele ... where IS this going? I cannot wait to find out. It's going to be a God Damn wreck .... and possibly involve that big fat gun that Kit bought a few episodes ago ( No, I haven't forgotten about that big fat gun!)

Snooooooze fest TASHA'S TRIAL, I really don't even want to talk about it. I hope you don't mind too much. I just cannot do it.

The L-Word: Lesbians Gone Wild ( S.5 E.7)

2008-03-10T11:54:00.007-04:00

DRAMA ON THE SET
Begona is fucking hilarious as Marina, like she is fucking incredible. (Also, last weekend I watched all of Season 1 again, which was amazing because literally they are just taking old scripts and having different actresses read the lines)

COLONEL GILLIAN MC-OLDIE MAGGIE
Holy shit. Kelly McGillis is mother fucking OLD. She looks like SHIT. OMG. Her face is so old, her hair is totally gray and short and ugly and TERRIBLE.

Also, could this character who obviously wants to throw Tasha out of the army, be ANY GAYER? She is clearly flamingly faggot. Here are some of the reasons: short dyke style do; only drinks single scotch whiskey like a big gay dildo; plays golf (gaaaaaay); and insists on carrying all her own boxes even though she is 75 yrs old. Wow. She looks awful.

DO DO DO DOOOOO HERE COMES THE VIEW ... I MEAN, THE LOOK
I really really really find it impossible to believe that a TV show, "The Look," would try out a former radio talk show host who now, "video-blogs" for a living, just because she outted a dude on her blog. It's stupid. Alice was terrible on The Look, all she did was plug OUR CHART (not a shock Chiaken-monster rearing her ugly head again). I really don't LIKE this Alice very much. I cannot believe that the L-Word writers (i blame Lizzy Ziff and Chiaken-bacon) have changed Alice and Tina (partial blame lies on Laurel Holloman for getttiing so hot) that I actually LOVE Tina now and am beginning to hate on Alice. (Please note, I do NOT hate Alice yet, I'm just really not liking the way she is acting at all)

THESE LESBOS ARE GETTING OLD
Wow, the making of Lez Girls is making all the characters on the show seems SUPER fucking old. Like, did you ever ever imagine that Shane would seem like this chilled out older dyke? Nikki is single-handeldy making everyone seems sooooooo fucking OLD. Nikki is young and hot and likes to go out and party and it really seems like every other character, although only like 3 of them actually have jobs, are always working or are concerned with work. Also, Mia Kirsh is looking OOOOOOLLLLLLLDDDD next to 20 something Kate French. The crows feat are rocking it something fierce.

2 DEAFIES HAVE LUNCH
OK, Jodi and Amy are having lunch, signing up a god damn storm, which is totally fine. But why can't they laugh out loud? Like they are saying some funny shit and neither of them is allowed to laugh. It's so weird.

TINA IS A HARD ASS WITH A HARD ASS
Hard ass producer Tina is hot. It's a fact. Why is she always hanging out with that troll thing? Is that a real dyke? Ack! Get it off the set. The only real dykes allowed are Kate Moening and Leisha.

INTERIOR: BEV AND NINA'S APARTMENT
Can anyone out there tell me why Jenny hates Tina and Bette SO MUCH? Like they were both SUPER nice to that little freak job when she moved in next door, so why is she torturing them now? Like, she has stolen everyone's lives and written about them, so can't she at least be nice to them in person? She totally fucked them with this weird kitchy bedroom for the movie. I love Bette and Tina though, they are so stupid and teenagery. It's cute. "Which side of the bed is Nina's?" ooo you two are too cute. Fuck please. I love these two idiots together. What did Bette want to do wtih the rock candy? eat it? of fuck TIna with it?

SHANE AND MOLLY
Speaking of stupid idiots, Shane and Molly are retarded. Molly is also totally contributing to the "all the characters are old as shit" problem. She too is super young & cute and she keeps making Shane seem old and lame. Also, kinda dude-like. Love that Shane is rocking an "Uh Huh Her" t-shirt in this ep ... how very META of them.

NIKKI AND JENNY FUCKING IN A TRAILER ...F... U...C... K... I... N... G.
All these two do is fuck. I want to see more of Adele patiently waiting for them to finish. It's so grody that she has to monitor their fucking. Jenny is getting nicer and I totally attribute that to fucking Nikki constantly. So, even though Nikki's constant criticism of Season 1, uh, I mean, the Lez Girls script, is annoying as shit, at least she is making Jenny a teeny bit nicer.

ATTENTION ALL POTENTIAL GFs OF MINE
This is a small disclaimer to all my future potential girlfriends. If we are dating and one night you come home and are talking to me and I don't listen to you at all but instead pull you close and push you over on the bed, proceed to mount you and then I masturbate myself on top of you ... know this, I'm cheating. Yes, I've learned this mastuful technique of telling a GF you are cheating from Bette Porter. You'll remember in Season 1, she did a variation on this them to Tina ... instead of mounting Tina and masturbating herself, Bette mounted Tina and raped her alittle bit. I'm thinking she probably didn't masturbate on top of Tina because Tina already suspected she was cheating, so the raping began instead. Anyway, I don't know why Bette had to masturbate ontop of Jodi, but Jodi should KNOW something is fucking UP.

How now, cute brown cow.

TINA MARCHES A BATTALION TO SHEBAR
Loved it when Tina donning her big burly brown leather jacket marched her brigade of dykes (and a kit porter) over to Shebar to get Nikki. So fucking funny. It really is a good thing that ALL OF HER FRIENDS work on HER MOVIE. The lesbian mud wrestling oil turkish bath pit was funny. Tina is dropping f-bombs like crazy and just making me love her all the more. Um, why does Dawn Denbo take on the persona of Miami Vice? Just because they are from Florida? Kinda stupid. Why does bored little prude Molly really like the oil wrestling? Isn't this fucking degrading? I wish to god that Phyllis showed up ... damn it. That would have been delightful. Kinda ridiculous when Shane had to fight for Molly's honor. Don't you think that Molly and Shane would be identical if Shane gained 40 lbs? I do. Jenny is delightful with her strip tease, Mia must be having the TIME of her LIFE, right? Laurel Holloman's acting chops are fucking amazing this episode, especially when Tina literally throws up her arms, shakes her head and yells, "Unbelievable!" ... fucking hilarious.

Let's wrestle in PEE.

TASHA IS A BIG FAT HYPOCRITE
This is so annoying. Like if Tasha believes in the honor of truth or whatever the fuck the code of honor in the army is called, so strongly, why the fuck does she gay it up? Like one second, Tasha is saying that she respects Kelly McPiggis for what she did to get ride of hazing at the citadel or whatever, and then she is like "i'm fighting these acusations" - um the accusations are TRUE and you're not supposed to be gay in the army, so you are guilty. like granted it SUCKS, but its just the way it is. Ugh, you are a hypo and i hate you. (Note, Tasha is not a HIPPO, she is actually pretty fucking cute. I'm beginning to fall in love with Rose Rollins, NOT TASHA.)

DAWN AND CINDI GO TO THE CLINK
Fucking hilarious when Lover Cindi tries to get a cop to fuck her instead of going to jail, she is such a little dirty whore, I love it. Even better then Dawn Denbo yells at Kit, "you're dead, Porter!" and Kit yells this GEM of a comeback, "I just name the rats after you!" ... um, what? that is a nonsequitor that is stupid. Come on, Kit. Even you aren't that dumb. Or are you?

ADELE IS STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT

Adele is becoming fucking terrifying. Like in the last episode, Max totally outted Adele as a total creep show so I figured that someone would say SOMETHING in this episode, but still there is NOTHING. No one seems to give a shit ... except for Max, who no one will listen or talk to. Sad. I bet she cuts and prints Jenny's head.

The L Word: Lights! Camera! Action! ( S.5, E.6)

2008-02-16T14:30:00.007-05:00

So the most predictable makeover in history only took 6 sweet episodes.

The first scene where the fake Bette and fake Tina are hooking up is hilarious ... especially when Jenny says, "It looks like you guys are doing a dance." Is it me or is every time Jenny takes a breath readying herself for speech like the moment before you run out to see all the presents under the tree? Jenny is fucking Santa Claus.

DAWN DENBO WILL KILL YOU

She will also make fun of you like no other... The problem with Dawn Denbo and her insults is consistency. How can the same dolt of a person who constantly calls Cyndi her LOVER then brilliantly dub The Planet a "wannabe peach pit of a shit hole?" It doesn't make any sense!

BTW - this is a little too late considering I didn't write this in the pot brownie episode but here goes. I knew Dawn Denbo saying, "you messed with the wrong bitch, bitch" rubbed me the wrong way but I didn't quite know why. Well, I finally figured it out. The actress playing Dawn (aka: baby keens) said it EXACTLY like the gay guy on Top Chef. Remember when that gay guy said to big old piggie "I'm not your bitch, bitch"? What a fucking rip-off.

THROW ALICE A BONE

Poor Alice cannot catch a break with ladies. I keep thinking that she is better off without Tasha but I realize that what I'm really thinking is that Tasha is better off with this terrible bizarro Alice who outs people like she changes her hair. Or tells Max off. Or is a big ol' bitch. Yeah, I hate this Alice. However, I'm sure Tasha ain't gone for long.

"The Look" is HILARIOUS. Way to not have a creative thought at all L Word writers. I think you wasted too much energy calling the former Look co-host "Kelly Corrigan." I really think they should have gone with Posey O'Connell. So disappointing.

TINA AND BETTE SITTING IN A KITCHEN... K-I-S-S-I-N-G

It is kinda adorable that Bette is cooking a little meal for her and Angie. Tina is wanting a piece of Bette so fucking bad. Oh, remember that time (last season) when she wanted to murder Bette and stomp on her grave flowers or at least fuck Henry on them? How far we've come and how easily our personalities change. Note to writers, I have no problem with you making Tina into an actual LIKEABLE character but can you do me a favor and make Bette likeable too?

Yay, they are finally making out! Now they are moving to the bedroom. Hotchie Motchie. Ok, Tina and Bette look GOOD. Just how old are these two? Wow. Not bad. Also, honestly, how many people out there wear hot little matching bras and panties like under their normal clothes? Honestly? Ok, that's what I thought, all lesbians do. I know I do.

The entire Vancouver thing and the whole Lez Girls production is pushing 49th wall here. As a writer, how fucking lazy and masturbatory can you be? I'm really convinced this is the last season and in the duration of these last episodes, the "characters" will just start calling each other "Leisha, Kate, JB, Laurel, Foxy Brown," etc.

ADELE MAKEOVER MONTAGE

Well, this was obviously coming but what I didn't predict was what an absolute let-down it would be. Jeez Louise! Pretty fucking hard to screw up a montage don't you think? You certainly screwed the pooch on this one Chaiken-bacon. It... was... so... slow... and... boring. Have you ever heard of making some cuts? It's called editing, learn.

TINA AND BETTE ARE EQUALLY PATHETIC & I LOVE IT

I loved it when Tina PATHETICALLY calls Bette for breakfast and then Bette gets freaked out because old Jodi shows up. Then Bette insists on being alone and sends Jodi to work and then picks up the phone like the loser she is and calls Tina back. You guys are cute. This little dance of theirs is like people tangoing with their feet in cement. Oh and those people are mildly retarded too.

Tina's bowtie at The Planet is adorable. Just kidding, it was repulsive. Just kidding, I loved it.

Best lines of the episode:
Angie, "Puppies .." while looking at rats
Tina, "Those aren't fucking puppies!!!" yelling at her 2 yr old daughter who she left on the floor to be covered in rats
Kit, "Fuck, shit, fuck fuck fuck fuck, shit." looking in the mirror at her own face

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH KIT THE LONE GUNMAN?

It's so fucking stupid. Some idiot in this show is going to get their hands on Kit's gun and kill someone, I just know it. One would think Aaron Spelling was spinning this little yarn (RIP).

PATHETIC BETTE SHOWS UP AT PARTY WHERE PATHETIC TINA IS

I love these two freaks. They are so desperate for each other's love, its incredible. Love that they "get out" of there and go back to Tina's for ... TEA. A big cup of TEA on her gross little porch. Again, where is Angie? Sleeping? Wild. Thank god they start fucking, I was about to go get a big cup of tea and break it over my face.

Great job fucking, girls, but this was possibly the weirdest music I've ever heard in a sex scene.

Also, Tina, when you are having an affair with someone and they get up to leave please don't bring up how devastated their cuckold would be, that is NOT smooth. I LOVE YOU THOUGH.

LESPOTISM ON THE L-WORD

Ugh, enough with Cybil Shepard and her damn daughter, Clementine Ford. Obviously, this little lesbo hater is going to get turned to the dark side by the one and only Shane. Phyllis is a fucking moron, trying to get her dumb daughter to learn more about lesbians. Boring and stupid. Shocking.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S QUESTION

Alice, "Are you going to dance in your black bra?"
Shane, "Well I was going to, but frankly, I just don't need one."

It's a fact, Shane does not have boobs. Or maybe she just doesn't need one. Who knows. Who cares. I do.

JENNY IS AWESOME

Jenny is being so hilarious. i.e. when she gets to the set and says, "I'll get out here and walk down the street to my dreams." That is fucking funny shit. Also, she brings up a really good question, "Why DOES Adele know so much about a film set?"

OH, SHE IS ALSO SO STUPID

What the fuck - why the fuck does she fuck Nikki with a mic on? That is just fucking dumb. I mean the entire Nikki being mad at her thing is dumb too, but it's even dumber that she would fuck her in a trailer.

I still don't get how Adele smoothed the whole thing over. Jenny made her her lover? WHAT? Is she King Henry and Nikki Anne motherfucking Boleyn? Bizarre.

Jenny line of the episode: Pointing at Aaron, "he's being so mean to me!!!" with a giant pout on her face.

TINA KICKS ASS

Tina's whole shtick when Dawn Denbo shows up at the set protesting is priceless. She actually yells out "she doesn't even live in this neighborhood!"

Only to be one-upped by Alice: Fuck you Denbo ... you're a rat fuck."

God bless you Tina and Alice, you are the tops.

Another awesome Tina line, "Jenny is fucking the star. Or should I say, she's fucking herself," to Bette.

ADELE = JENNY, JENNY = ADELE, I = BORED

The single white female transformation is ALMOST complete. She is so wild, especially when Max calls her out and she blames Shane and then Max. What a waste, what a world.

The L Word: Looking at You Kid (S.5, E.5)

2008-02-04T11:41:00.002-05:00

The name of this episode is "Looking at You, Kid" - Come on. This is just getting worse and worse. If you are going to have a 20 word title that has "looking at you, kid" and not "Here's" you suck. I'm sorry. Chaiken-bacon, what are you thinking? Are ALL the creative juices gone? Given you are basically just re-filming in the first season, I guess so.

LEZ GOILS

The first table read was glorious. Just a dream. However, there were some major mis"casts"/fuck-ups. BTW - all this meta shit is making it really hard to post eposide recaps.

I'm hot and a lady, how am I at all like Shane?

I will accept the Alice subsititute and the Marina subsititute as adequate, not AMAZING, but pretty good.

Bitchy, beautiful, and british - poifect.

The Helena character was fucking amazing. LOVE HER but can we bring the real Helena back, sans Dusty? That'd be great, you're a doll Chaiken, thanks.

That little weird rat of a Tina is funny and hate-able. Considering she is playing Tina Season 1, that is about right. Jenny probably cast this troll to piss Tina off. Well-done Schec!

The little sassy Bette-android looks pretty good. Hope she is as bitchy as Bette was Season 1.

Waaay waaaay off on the Kit Kat ... I mean, come on Tina, you are producing this fucking movie and you have lived with big fat Kat as your fucking sister-in-lesbian-law and you cast a little hotty as her? That is just wrong with a capital big old fat Kit.

ALICE IS A RETARD

This entire "I'm going to out this asshole NBA player" is such a stupid motherfucking thing. Alice is better than that, come on. Obviously doing this posting to gay-ass OurChart is going to get you press you dumb fuck. Great timing too with Tasha being court-martialed. Who is this Alice character who is so narrow-minded and mean to Max and doing RETARDED shit. You are an idiot and making me very unhappy.

SHANE, YET ANOTHER RETARD

Shane, I have to share something with you. Not only is sleeping with Cindi sans Dawn DUMB but sleeping with them together is also really dumb because even though Cindi might be hot, Dawn Denbo is totally GRODY. Let's just assume best case scenario: Dawn's grossness is matched by Cindi's hotness. Even then you are just breaking even and considering Dawn's grodiness completely outweighs Cindi's relative atractiveness, you are still on the losing side of this double team. You dug your own grave this time Shanbo.

ADELE IS A DELIGHT... AS ALWAYS

Adele you old creep.

Yet again, Adele is dreamy, creepy and weird especially when she was helping Nikki with wardrobe and Jenny told her off with a classic, "Don't listen to her, she wears Mom jeans with a camel toe." She takes too much shit. When she finally flips out and turns single white female on Jenny it is going to be UNreal.

POT BROWNIE PARTY

Holy shit, I want some pot brownies, they are delicious and get you high. Before the party is in full effect, old Maxwell House calls out Adele on her web of weirdness. Of course, bitchy/condemnable Alice has to pop in and tell Max off. I say it all the time but why does Alice have to be such a beast to Max? Coming from me, you know something is fucking wrong with it. Did you really need to make fun of Max for "keeping secrets" and telling him he's "one to talk" for questionning weirdo-Adele? Leave him alone! Gays should be nice to Tran-men.

DOES SHANE HAVE BOOBS?
That is just an open ended question - answer if you like.

NO SHOCK HERE, KIT IS A MORON

You know what Kit? you're a fucking moron for telling Dawn about your fucking drive-through idea, you just ARE. Like of course she is going to fuck you over. You are a moron. How did you even become the owner of The Planet again? Oh, that's right Marina lost her mind and sold it to you and drag-King, Ivan (Kelly Lynch) became your sugar-mama-papa and bought it for you. So, you must have amazing business acumen which we already know if true since you have a SAFE in the back of the place like you are running a 50s barber shop.

JENNY QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"Tina, Tina! Guess who should be in the movie?! Sounder II!"

SIDENOTE: remember how fucking crazy Jenny was last season with fucking over that terribly sweet Vet?

AGAIN, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY OLD BETTE?

I think I'm going to watch Season 1 over this weekend because Bette is a completely different person (so is Tina for that matter but in a good way). God, Bette you are such a fucking pussy. I mean, I'm not dense - I understand what the writers are doing with this whole thing but I still hate it. Bette is acting like the pathetic idiot you fucked because you were drunk and lonely but keeps texting you with dumb questions like "hey, what was the name of that movie you were telling me about again?" and you text back "Juno" and they text back "Awesome" and you don't text back but then they text you again "Thanks again for telling me what that movie was" and you realize you have a Stage 5 Clinger on your hands. That is what it was like watching Bette call Tina to ask about picking up their little rodent-gremlin-kid. I was she was back to bitch-ass Bette who wouldn't give Tina the time of day and instead would say, "You aren't seriously wearing that, are you Tee?"

Remember when Tina was a grant writer for a non-profit? I know, I need to move on but I will never get over her status as a VP of a film company. I refuse to get over it. It will never happen and I will always complain about it.

JENNY/SHANE/LEZ GIRLS CAST PARTY

See? You two are besties, not Shane and Jenny!

OMG. This was so fun for so many different reasons. Let's jump right into it: Bette meeting Bev. At first Bette actually seems star-struck upon meeting "Bev" but then she fucking tears hew a new one. This girl has a lot of balls asking Bette why she cheated on Tina. So awkward for Tina standing right there., Bette meeting Bev. BTW - hilarious that everyone knows who Nina is in the story. This all culminates in the best L Word line in history. "Is she black?" RE: Bette. We've been asking ourselves that question for the last 20+ years.

Very frustrating when Tina and Bette pretty much lie to each other and then don't fuck (Tina, "It was a mistake to kiss," Bette, "I love Jodi"). I hate when they don't fuck. Also, continuity question: how did Tina get outside before Bette? I'm putting money on her shimmying down the drain pipe. I don't care if it is a one-story, I don't shit on your fantasies.

Ok, back to the party ... Alice and Shane high = amazing. Especially while eating pot brownies and pretending that the browines are high and hitting on each other. So good!

At one point, Alice has put on Adele's glasses and it is cracking my stack. This show is really good sometimes...

Love the fucking dance break. I want to have a big fat hot lesbo dance party, who's with me?

Dawn Denbo, can you #1 please stop calling yourself, "Dawn Denbo"; #2, stop calling Cindi your "lover"; and #3, can you also try to look MORE like Catherine Keener? Thanks.

Oh wait, this just in: Dawn Denbo is actually Elizabeth Keener so I apologize to her. Baby Sis Keens!

I still hate you Dawn because your plan to get back at SHANE by sabotaging THE PLANET is stupid. How does that affect Shane? TP Shane's actual house instead and call it a night. Or, better yet, kidnap Shane and put whipcream all over her and stick soap in her mouth and plaster her with TP (that was an obscure "Shag" reference if anyone is so inclined...).

Kinda funny / weird when Jenny and Nikki re-inact the entire Marina / Jenny seduction and then proceed to fuck in a closet. I'm just not sensing much chemistry between these two. I'm not a big fat of Jenny corrupting a young, innocent girl. It feels yucky to me. Also makes me feel old for some reason. Adele was a little pervy taking a baby peak at the sex. Will she seduce Nikki? Will she kill her? Is she Nikki? Is she Ilene Chaiken? There is so much mystery and I just have no idea where it will go although I hope murder.

I loved Wwhen the entire group creeped over to Bette's pool, so great ... especially these lines:
Shane: "I used to fuck in this pool."
Tina: "This used to be my pool, let's going swimming."
Alice: "You guys, I think I lost my buzz, I'm going to get another pot brownie."
Bette: "I'd like to make a noise complaint."

Oh, Tasha, get over yourself. BORING.

Oy, so painful when poor little Tina has to sleep over at her old house ... but let me ask you this, WHO the fuck is taking care of Angie? If one mom is asleep and one mom is wasted, where the fuck is the kid? Seriously, where is the kid? Wow, Jodi is so nice about Tina, I would never let my GF's ex sleep on the couch, I would fucking kick that bitch to the curb. You better believe it.

I just realized something. Jenny is ALWAYS picking up garbage from the streets and taking them on as projects (Max, Adele, Sounder 1). How is that for a leitmotif? Awww, I just remembered when Jenny grabbed Max and dragged him/her to LA to be humiliated by her friends. Jenny a garbage man. Nikki is a piece of trash so I think it still works. I'm bril.

The L Word: Let's Get This Party Started (S.5, E.4)

2008-01-28T22:49:00.004-05:00

I need to just take a minute to say that for the last 4 years I have been totally supportive of the L-Word naming each episode, yes, an "l" word. sure, it is a bit hoaky but I get it. From "L'Ennui" of season 1 to "Luminous" of season 2 to "Labia majora" (starting to push it) of season 3 even to Ricky martin-throwback "Livin' La Vida Loca*) of Season 4, I've stood by it. However, in season 5, it has started to wear out its welcome. The worse being the wordy mouthful "Let's Get This Party Started." That has only one little baby "l" word in it. It is pretty pathetic in my opinion. I actually think "Losers" would have been better.

I digress (for now). Let's start this episode dissection with a little anecodate from my life. I was at the gym in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon with all my best friends. We were all chatting and catching up while simultaneously riding bikes, lifting weights and hitting on gir - Shit, I fucked up. That wasn't my life. It was this goddamn show. COME ON!

Kit is taking a defense class. Gross. At least Kit getting robbed by Mangus is finally starting to make sense: it was all a ruse for the writers to get these idiots to the gym at the same time. And now it is totally believable.

Hotchie. These two are gonna get it on. Love it.

I love that Tina and Jenny are "sparring" partners. Mia Kirshner really is doing her best work this season. But I still beg the question: why do Tina, Alice, and Bette invite Jenny to anything? She clearly hates them all and they hate her.

NEXT WEEK SHANE WILL BE IN A FAT SUIT

Seriously, I guarantee it. She's eating like a pig, looking like a pig in shit, and acting like a fucking loser-pig. This whole "I'm eating a lot and playing video games to distract myself from sex" is so fucking dumb. Like awful. I swear, Shane is going to be in a motherfucking fat suit next week and I will write the recap with my vagina.

Hotchie sexy video game girls turn Shane on.

Sidebar: When I was watching the episode, I wrote down "Thank God Kit is not naked." And for a good 2 hours, I could not remember why the fuck I had done so. Then I remembered, when Shane was picturing all The Planet workers naked, I kept praying to my Jesus that she wouldn't turn around and see Kitty Kat au natural. I would have simply puked in my pants. Thank you for small miracles.

INTERIOR: DEAN PORTER'S OFFICE

I'm getting so sick of the deaf signing (no disrespect to all the deafies out there, I love you), but its just getting to be too vulgar. Like, whatever Jodi signed to Bette in her office about her VAGINA (from the hand motions, I imagine it had to do with scooping out a fetus and fucking it) was TOO much. Even Bette didn't like it.

*WHERE THE FUCK IS PAPI??

You might remember my asterisk from my first paragraph on this post - indicating the epsiode, aptly named "Livin' La Vida Loca" where the sweet lil' Indian, um I mean Hispanic, Papi was introduced. But can anyone tell me WHERE THE FUCK IS PAPI? We've still got her gal pal, Tasha, but no sign of that good Paps. Where the fuck is she?

ADELE IS A DREAMBOAT

Hotchie underneath it all ...

Speaking of dreamboats, what ever happened to Jenny setting adrift off of the coast? Did she get rescued? Was it even addressed ever? Ugh, I don't care.

But getting back to Adele, she is a delight, I can feel her makeover coming ANY second now. Also, Nikki, the hot actress who is a closet dyke - which is so amazingly far fetched* but I'm totally into it, is totally going to drop out of the movie after her love affair with Jenny goes sour and sweet-made-over Adele will swiftly step in and star as Jesse. Am I right, or am I right, I'm right, right right right.

*Yes, I helped spread rumors that Lindsay Lohan was hooking up with DJ-Mc-Dykes-Alot Samantha Ronson.

I mean, Adele is probably a psychotic mastermind and not the sweet little innoccent street urchin we have come to love. Let's think about it. She came into The Planet (not hard to figure out what The PLUTO Cafe was named after in Lez Girls) and sat quietly in the back READING Sum of her (Lady) Parts. She is dressed EXACTLY like Jenny when Jenny's innocent little baby face showed up in LA. Now she has worked her way into Jenny's stone-cold heart. Yes sir, Adele is going pull a Lez Girls on Jenny and it going to be GOOD. What does that mean? You tell me.

Hotchie ... I'm sick of you Tasha, take your WHITE suit off, give it to Tina for a date, and go back to the military.

40s THEMED CLOSET CASE PARTY

Why did Alice go to this weird Truman Capote-like dinner party from the 1940s? So weird. Right? Kinda getting sick of Tasha, gotta admit it. She hates having a good time. Not right for that lovely PIE-zecki. It almost broke my heart when Alice erased the entire chart board, right? So fucking sad. Obviously, this is the last season. Leave it up to the L Word writers to finally make a good season and then rip it away. Reminds me of a certain character we once knew. I won't say her name but it rhymes with Faina.

OVER 40+ DYKE DANCE PARTY

Ok, the new dyke bar in town is like the most happening 40+ scene ever! OMG, Shebar looked TERRIBLE. Why was it jam-packed with old dykes dancing and swaying to gay-ass tunes. If I ever open a dyke bar, it will certainly not be exclusive to the 40+ crowd. Don't get me wrong, I think Jennifer Beals is incredibly hot and very attractive but if I open a dyke bar and I'm scanning the crowd for people to let in, I'm not choosing the oldie in red with poodle hair. I'm picking the 20 year old hottie in prostitute's clothes.

I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS ... BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH: BETTE & TINA FINALLY KISS

OMG. Can I just say these last 2 minutes were the most amazing 2 minutes of the L-Word since Alice and Dana got together circa Season 2, Episode 4. I cannot believe that I'm even writing these words but I fucking LOVE Tina and Bette and thank god they finally made out. Embarassingly enough, I watched this scene about 5 times and downloaded the song, whatever.

Hotchie ... STOP. In the name of love.

Before you break Jodi's heart.

The L Word: Lady of the Lake (S.5, E.3)

2008-01-21T15:34:00.000-05:00

OPENING

I love this whole Charlie's Angels thing. It is hilarious. Nice to see they are having fun. Highlights are Bette (Bev) as Charlie (who else would it be?) and Tina as some humdrum ugly guy. I don't remember who that guy is. One last thought: Alice's tits look weird.

OMG, I just fucking read that this scene was written by a fucking FAN. Yup, that's right the Chaiken Craken has fucking reduced herself to allowing FANFIC on the fucking air. SICK. The gaydar guns made no sense. I thought Alice wasn't bi anymore and I don't get why Jenny broke it.

Fan written or not, it was funny.

GYMBOS

"It's gross. There's something wrong with that girl." Do all these idiots go to the gym at the same time?

OMG, just look at Shane's face. It's hilarious.

Also, damn you whores for taking Dana's name in vein. You fucking Dana killers.

Why does anyone talk to Jenny at all? I don't get it. She is such a little bitch.

AT THE PLANET

I LOVE that Tina hates OurChart as much as I do. I'm so sick of it. Go die, OurChart. Just stop living.

Was there a contest to have your profile featured on an episode of the L Word? And if there was, why didn't they screen the contestants?

GRACE is a FREAK. Why does her dating history consist of only tran-men? That is fucking weird. Wait, is Grace a tran-man too? I just got a good look at her, she has a man's face ... oh wait, you know who she looks like? Celine Dion.

Note to Alice, stop being a fucking cunt to Max. I mean we all fucking hate him. But he fucking set up OurChart for you and these gay blogs, etc. and you fucking refuse to be nice to him. She fucking hates him. Like seriously, hates.

Note to Shane, stop yelling at Jodie to tell you how to say fuck in sign language.

Note to Kit, hearing about your sister having sex stops being gross when you are about 25. Considering you are approaching your early hundreds, grow up.

AT THE JAIL

Helena = proud peacock of the jail-house yard. Dealing ciggie butts like she is a fucking pimp. It's hilarious. Like, are ciggies illegal in jail? No they're not so stop act like you are dealing drugs.

Damn girl, that tooth pick is fucking hot.

Dust-pan is sweet but damn ugs.

WEEKEND AT BIG BEAR ..

What the fuck happened to Bette? Why the fuck is she nervous to meet a bunch of D-bags? Why is Jodie making deaf people out to be terrible drivers, it's very rude. Seriously though, this weekend get-away has just made Bette out to be the biggest prud , insecure bitch ever. Ugh. It's so annoying, I thought kick-ass Bette from Season One was back. What happened? Bette, who cares if these crunchy granola-heads hear you fucking?

Just play the fucking touch football game.

She certainly looks like a huge man when she is thrown in/comes out of the lake. I love it. Poor Jodie can only watch helplessly as that big oaf tosses her in. I wish she started signing frantically but she just ran like a little midget instead.

Then with the fucking roux, you know what Bette, I don't know how to make a roux either ... BUT if some freaks asked me to start it, I would just say, "Sure, what should I do first?" instead of meekly saying, "I haven't the faintest idea how to make a roux." What annoys me about this entire scene is this idiot Michaelangelo character just wanted Bette to look at some of his GAY-ass art work from Jackson Hole.

Ew. MichaelAngelo's shorts are making me want to puke.

GEOGRAPHY LESSON IN JAIL

Ok, Let it be known, I hate Dusty. It is also retarded that she and Helena are having a geography lesson in their nasty cell over a fucking jigsaw puzzle of the Phillipines where DisgUSTY just so happens to OWN a small island. Not bloody likely.

Glad that Holland Taylor is back but seriously, ANOTHER fucking jail-house walk? Are you serious? I guess it was worth it for this:

JailDiz: Ooo Let me eat your pussy
Holland Taylor: Were I receptive to such a proposition it would first require a full booty check. And were you to past muster, baby, I'd give it to you family style.

"If you are so inclined you can dine on the buffett in my ass"

WHAT! Are you fucking kidding? That #1 made no sense and #2 made NO fucking sense. What would the booty check involve? How does one pass muster in such an exam? And finally, please, no family style.

TINA FINALLY GETS LAID, THE LITTLE SLUT

Tina. Please stop talking every potential fuck up about Bette. It is just boring. Just keep up the fucking like a good girl does. Well, while you're at it, drop the white pants suit. Thanks doll.

Let me ask all the little dykes out there, does "spread your legs open" really count as "talking dirty" ... not in my world, bitches.

Why on earth did Mangus rob Kit? I mean, you would think cheating with the german nanny was mean enough but now he's fucking robbing Kit! That is just terrible. Forget this whole joke, I don't even care about this.

I love when Bette packs up their suitcases and picks Jodie up from playing patty-cake on an old infested tire swing. I could watch Bette tell off meat-head, granola-face all day long. Never gets old.

Honestly, I can't even really talk about Helena running away with Dustbin. It just makes me too sad to think that she won't be on the show and it makes me too sick to think that we might see scenes of her and DB on the beach hooking up. The whole scenario is lose-lose if you ask me. R.I.P. Helena, I'll remember you fondly from last season when you were delightful.

Again, Let's end with ...
Jenny Quote of the Ep: "Adele, do away with this sweaty mess."

BTW, I'm feeling the Adele Transformation coming on SOON ... 10 bucks says next week she looks like this:

Yes, this is Adele. She hot underneath.

The L Word: Look Out, Here They Come (S.5, E.2)

2008-01-21T14:07:00.000-05:00

OPENING SCENE

Senior Baldie movie exec is yelling at Jenny and Tina about Lez/Les/Las/Ils Girls having more sex in it, which is great for 3 distinct reasons:

1. When Baldie McGee suggests that Bev and Shaun have sex, whomever directed this episode obviously just yelled at Jennifer Beals, "Look bored .. Yes, MORE bored. That's great, give me more bored" during this sequence.

2. When Baldies Mags suggests Shaun and Nina have sex, Jenny doesn't even hestitate yelling out ... "No No No, Nobody ever wants to see Nina having sex" ... which is fucking amazing, because honestly, I've been yelling that at the screen for 4 years whenever bigfat pig Tina is having sex. It's also weirdly ironic because this season Tina is actually amazing and hot and might be the only person besides Alice that I'm cheering on in the sex dept.

3. Bette and Helena were not fucking they were FIGHTING. Go back, look, they don't even kiss, they are clearly just tearing at each other's hair in a cat fight.

We fight in pumps. So what?

SHANE FUCKS A WEDDING PARTY AND I ATE MY OWN FACE

I refuse to even dignify this storyline with any major commentary ... mainly because the dialogue is so fucking over the top ... "I'm going to have you DO me after you DO them." I remember thinking saying "do" was really funny. I was 10.

This was pretty amazing though:
Maid of Honor: "Gay people aren't allowed to get married, idiot"
Fake-Lesbo Bridesmaid: "But they can still pretend."

TINA BLOWS UP A DATE

This is just plain sad. This woman hates Tina and everything about her. Why does Bette come over and talk to Tina on a date? That is really stupid and annoying. How PATHETIC when Tina sits down with her friends after being dumped or "kicked to the curb" as the kids used to say and then says, "Yeah, it was fun, I think we're going to get together again."

Granny gonna fuck ya!

HELENA GETS ALMOST-RAPED BY YOUR GRANDMOTHER

Holy shit, I thought I had seen some gross-ass things on The L-World (Kit Porter, Max/Moira, Preggo Tina getting fucked) ... but the old nasty ladies in prison make me want to die. Plus, I didn't know that your grandmother was an actress, congratulations, it is so difficult for women over 50 to get good roles (unless you are Ellen Albertini Dow - way to corner the market). Anyway, good job Grams. SIDENOTE: remember when Michelle Williams on "Dawson's Creek" used to call her grandmother "Grams" all the time? Ugh, that was fucking terrible.

Am, I stupid? Whats the problem with girls dropping a bar of soap? Is a big dyke going to ram her tit in your butt? I don't get it. That wouldn't be so bad. On the other hand, I could understand not dropping the soap if females picked up soap by standing on their head and spreading eagle. Otherwise, I think we're pretty safe.

All this grossness culminates in the Dust-bag having a bad dream, Helena waking her up, and then fucking. I feel like Chaiken has been in jail one too many times. If you were Ilene Chaiken's cellmate, please comment on this blog and then let's meet up aftwards.

"I am so serious ... and boring, very very boring."

TASHA IS SAD ... and BORING.

OK, this entire Tasha being investigated for HOMO conduct is just sad. That's really all I have to say about it becuase honestly, other than being sad, it's really fucking boring.

JENNY STALKER

Ok, at first I had serious reservations about the Jenny Stalker, but I think this little freakazoid has some major potential. Mainly because, like everyone else, I'm waiting for her make-over a la Rachel Leigh Cook in "She's All That," I'm surprised she wasn't wearing paint-covered overall in the first scene. But seriously, this girl is obvi going to be hot (aka: will take off glasses, get a dress, and have her hair brushed) in about 2 episodes and probably will take over the movie studio and direct and star in Lez Girls.

Jenny is acting divine again. Seriously, where the fuck did this bitch come from? It's fucking incredible ... she actually made Jenny Stalker kiss her ring. How do any of her friends take her even remotely seriously. Love it. Why is Kit like spoon feeding thoughts to Jenny, "Isn't that a nice thing to say, Jenny?" She's acting like Jenny is a fucking retard. Oh wait.

SIDENOTE: Can anybody be nice to Max, besides Kit?

"Ahh ... you're floppy... boobies ... ahh ... are ... suffocating ... me"

ANOTHER SIDENOTE: Shane is fucking floppy-titty-bridesmaid, who is SCREAMING and CRYING in the pool house, and NO ONE fucking NOTICES? How is that even possible? Also, if my ex-boyfriend is at a wedding with his WIFE, I don't really think FUCKING the help, helps the situation, at all. This is just so implausible on so many levels ... hence I cannot really even get into it.

EW ... U-HAUL AS A VERB MAKES ME U-HURL.

UGLY FAT WOMAN WALKING...

Note to L-Word writers and directors ... the jailhouse civilian gauntlet-walk is overdone ... BY YOU. You've already done it like 30 times in the last 2 epsiodes and it wasn't even novel then.

EW .. CRIMPAGE

Why is Jodi's hair all krimped (yes, with a "k" like "krumping") out at the restaurant? It looks like fucking shit. Who has time to make her hair THAT ugly? Why do she and Bette insist on making out at the table between bites. On top of all the stereotypes that Ilene insists on perpetuating, she needs to create a new one: all dykes are immature and inapproriate. 40+ year old dykes don't do that. Can I tell you a secret, the deaf thing is getting old. Right?

Let's end with the Jenny quote of the ep ...

Jenny, "Tina, What did you get the bride?" ... So amazingly rude. Love it.

The L Word: LGB Tease (S.5, E.1), PART I

2008-01-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

Boy oh boy, where to even start?

I think I'll begin by asking the following question which loyal followers of this blog will be thrown by: "Is this the end of the Tina-pig?" Yes, I have previously called the character of Tina the "Tina-pig" because she was an absolute hog both physically, hair-wise, emotionally and in terms of acting ability. Like a baby pig in a trough of shit and gayness. However, and please God do not strike me down... I like Tina. There, I said it. Could this be the hero of Season 5?

Season 5: The Year of the Pig?

------------

OPENING

Ok, so I truly miss the old openings of The L Word where they would show random scenes that somehow bore meaning by the end of the episode. However, this opening a la "Stranger than Fiction" preview was pretty fucking awesome. Jenny re-writing Season 1 is kind of kick-ass. Especially when she writes and then edits the description of her ass. Also, how hilarious that Bette, Tina and Shane had to get into their old costumes (yes, costumes - check out Bette) to reinact this scene. I had almost forgotten how ridiculous Bette looked in her she-wolf-granola-dyke dashiki-frock. Thank you Season 5.

SIDENOTE: Jenny types quickly, at a constant speed, and never makes a mistake.

------------

INTERVIEW WITH PRESCHOOL

This whole scene... retarded. No one likes a dyke couple so why would anyone like an arrogant, showboating dyke couple (aka: "our house is a gallery," "Angelica has an aptitude for languages," and "did we mention our daughter redecorated the contents of her crib completely adhereing to Feng Shui?"

Thank god for these two homo-douches to at least make them look better, comparatively speaking.

SIDENOTE: Why is Bette wearing necklaces and baubles from The Dollar Store?

------------

HELENA PREPARES FOR JAIL

Dude, Helena looks old and a little haggard. Regardless, I'd still willingly commit a felony if my cellmate was going to be as hot and British as her.

------------

THE OURCHART VIDEOCAST/THE PLANET

Wow, Phyladyke isn't bothering me as much as last season. That tends to happen to me when people I hate become a couple with someone else I hate. I call it "The Containment Factor" and it basically relies on one fundamental principle: as long as two slags are together, they can't spread their evil to any more of the population. Knowing Phyllis is with Joyce (although the actual visual is disturbing) comforts me to the point of not hating this old fleabag.

Alice looks cute but, I'm sorry, this "OurChart" crap has to stop. Maybe if "OurChart" was actually cool and fun, I'd be more open-minded to this bullshit.

Why is a big fat Cleopatra serving drinks? Oh wait, that is just the Kit.

Wow, Max/Daniela Sea BEHIND the camera... what a great idea... just a thought...

Alice, please don't say "ladylove." Come on, you're better than that. You set the bar, not me.

Is it me or is Alice's total disregard for Max's situation totally out of character and unnecessary? Oh wait, maybe it was written that way because Max can't introduce any issues/storylines on his/her own because of poor acting ability. To be fair, Max is being sweet but needs to go buy that dick, toute suite. I'm sick of sex scenes where someone has to interact with Max's weird fake ween (Billy/Grace). Terrifying.

Tasha and Alice are still cute. That hasn't changed.

Bette and Tina arrive a the Planet. Wait a second, Goth Kate is gone?! I loved her, Annabella Sciorra was doing her BEST acting work opposite anyone other than Rebecca de Mornay. I'm pissed. I miss her rattiness and stupid hats. Ugh.

------------

DYKES BUY A CONDO

This is boring and bad news. Oh, and stupid. Kristanna Loken is counting down the seconds before she can get out of this fish-fest (for those of you who don't know, Loken hates working on The L Word, hates all the actors, god bless).

Eventually Paige finds Shane "fucking" in the bedroom. I put "fucking" in quotes because I'm not even sure they were doing that. The way I saw it, Shane was lying on her back with pants around her hips and blond-whorebait-realtor was hunched over Shane with her hips on Shane's boobs and her boobs dangling off Shane's head like fringe on a hat. Was the director like, "Good, good. Now, put your boobs over Shane's head and put one hip on one boob... good... now the other. Excellent. Take 1." Needless to say, it was weird. Bye Kristanna Loken, you are truly the last Amazon. I wish you didn't have a right boob (so she could better shoot arrows, you Philistines.)

------------

BACK TO PRISON

Why is Tasha in jail? What did she do? Oh wait, this is just another manly slick-back dyke. My mistake. Representing all kinds aren't you Chaiken?

------------

LEZ GIRLS MEETING

Is it pronounced "Lez" or "Les"? I feel like they should get this straight.

Oh my god, I'm laughing and Jenny has barely said a word. She looks insane in the eyes. Everytime she opens her mouth, my body starts shaking with laughter and my heart fills with joy. The writers have given up on making Jenny at all a human being. I applaud and yet despite their choice.

Sad that the guy from "The Princess Bride" has to make a cameo on The L Word to make ends meet.

This little gem where Jenny talks to her assistant is so fucking brilliant that I'm thinking of playing it every time I wake up, every time I get home from work, everytime I'm sad, everytime I'm happy, everytime I'm having sex, et. It transcends everything. Keep in mind that the writing is decent but Mia's performance is DIVINE. Like ridiculously good and hilarious.

"He hates you... So take him back to the groomers now and get orange ribbons so he can like you again."

------------

PHYLLIS AND JOYCE IN BED, 'NUFF SAID...

But I'll try. Two words: heebie jeebies.

------------

BETTE THE BESTIE

Shane is sitting depressed (sorta) on her porch and Bette comes over to comfort her. In the previous scene, Bette was looking out for Alice. I love this character development - Bette is being besties/guardian angel to everyone. It's awesome.

------------

TINA SHOWS UP WITH NOTES FOR LOONY

Jenny is wearing a cute little George Washington topping when Tina shows up looking... um, pretty? Can this be?

This whole scene is one of the reasons why I think this is the year of Tina. Her groveling and barely contained contempt is both fun, realistic (except for when Jenny talks), and kind of cool. Poor little Tina. It isn't fun when the power shifts to the crazies. Allegory, Ilene?

Jenny refuses to stop being hilarious - GOD BLESS.

------------

THE KENNARD-PORTER'S PLAY BY THE POOL

Is Tina doing this shit on purpose? Her bod on the raft looks pretty fucking good for the true piglet of Season 3 (yeah, she was pregs but WHATEV, I can still judge).

I've been waiting for Bette's double-take when she sees Tina floating ever since I saw the previews. Awesome. I could have done without the porn-tune underscore though. Bette is being cute with her magazine and her questions. Tina is being such a coy little former-cochon with her chest and well-placed tit-blocking-objects. I LOVE THIS TINA. Wait, wait a second here...

I take it back, Tina just ruined the scene with her typical poor acting. Her delivery of the line "You know, it's not like I didn't go for months at a time without having sex when we were together" was so bad and lifeless. Jenny would have taken that line TO TOWN!

Then a weird robot says, "I've got to go. I've got to go visit Helena." Seriously, watch it again.

No there's the Tina I know and hate.

______________________________________________________

And this brings us to the half hour mark... I will pick this up soon with Part II.

Also, stay turned for "The L Word Season 5 Premiere - Hair Roundup" special posting.

______________________________________________________

You Give Dykes A Bad Name

2007-12-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

To start the New Year off right, I wanted my first post of 2008 to be the launch of a new franchise of postings for AfterPortia. I will call this collection, "You Give Dykes a Bad Name" and it will be sung to the tune of "You Give Love a Bad Name" (obvi).

That's right, it is time to call out all those dykes/closet lezzies for the terrible shit they do to give us all a bad name. We'll discuss stereotype propogation (i.e. mullet-rocking, flannel, overalls, hairy legs, bad humor, etc) and general acts of bad taste and refusal to COME OUT. You people must be stopped or, at the very least, made fun of.

Let us begin with quintessentially terrible dyke-icon, Jodie Foster.

Jodie Foster, you give dykes a bad name for the following reason:

"I hate to shop for clothes. But I like to shop for toilet paper or hardware" (J.Foster, US Weekly, December 31, 2007)

Yeah, we thought this was GOOD for us, but it's NOT when you say DYKEY shit and refuse to be the DYKE you are, dyke. You are a dyke. A very, very bad dyke.

JODES, come on! You refuse to OPENLY talk about your gayness but then you say THIS kind of shit to US Weekly? Badly done, Jodes. Badly done. One, you are pretty much admitting you are a big fat gay without really saying so; two, you are perpetuating the tool-belt-dyke-image I have gone to great lengths to de-bunk (yes, I have avoided every DeWalt I've ever come into contact with); three, you are implying that dykes love taking big ol' shits? You sicken me.

I do not appreciate this.

Either fork over your tools and toilet paper or come out of your snooty, elitist, shit-filled closet.

You are too old for this shit, Jodie, and I'm over you.

I'm in Love with Dani from "A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila"

2007-11-25T13:36:00.000-05:00

If anyone out there (gay, straight, or dead) is not watching this show, you MUST start watching it right now if for no other reason than to see my new little lady love, Dani.

Dani is a boi-goil delight and I love her.

I know, it's so wrong. I mean, you know how I feel about butchie girls but this little boi-goil has captured my heart in a big way. She is so motherfucking sweet and adorable and pretty much the only lesbo on this show who I would even consider fucking. Seriously, why are they all either rancid (see Brandi) or enormous (see Amanda)? Even if the other ladies weren't major skanks, I would still love that good Dani. I know, she completely embodies every single stereotype that I despise in a lesbian (aka: has a boy's haircut, refuses to wear girl's clothing - like REFUSES, wears shorts while swimming, walks like she is carrying two heavy boulders, sports ties, protects women, is a goddamn firefighter) but I still love her and find her absolutely amazing. Remember that terrible Shane 2.0 monstrocity at the beginning? Thank god Dani survived and not that loser.

Also, remember how cute it was when Dani told T-bag about the first girl she hooked up with and it was like every lil' baby dyke's dream? How could you not immediately fall in love with that strapping, virile young lass?

Look at that forearm! He's a firefighter. I mean "she". I mean Danny. Oops, I mean "Dani."

HOSTEL PART II ... Return of the Weiner Dog

2007-10-28T19:37:00.000-04:00

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a WEINER DOG (right? cause its flying through the air?)

I rented "Hostel II" this weekend (not my finest moment, agreed) but in honor of Halloween and Weiner Dog, I thought it deserved a viewing. Although the movie was nowhere near as gore and tit-filled as its predecessor, it was chock-full of Lesbianishness. (Note: if you haven't seen the original "Hostel" allow me to sum it up: a mix of naked boobs and slaughter (literally, one frame BOOBS, one frame BLOODY SKULL).

Don't get your hopes up, they'll never make out

Right from the start the pseudo-lesibianish is in full effect. American-student-in-Rome, Beth, is drawing a nude woman in her art class. Axelle, the tall beautiful model, starts weirdly flirting with Beth who at first, doesn't appear to give a shit. Of course, Weiner Dog is rearing her ugly head in the background (where she belongs). This weird flirtation slash sexual tension between Beth and Axelle continues throughout the movie although it is never quite consummated. Kind of sucks but what can you do.

The Weiner is gonna getcha, the Weiner is gonna getcha, the Weiner is gonna getchaaaa... tonight!

Really, at the heart of it, Hostel II is the ultimate return of the Weiner Dog. It might as well be called "Welcome to the Dollhouse, Part II" because it literally is as if the Weiner Dog character grew up, studied abroad, stayed at a hostel and then got fucking slaughtered. Seriously though, Matarazzo's character is SO mother fucking losery-dorky-annoying that it a perfect illustration of how I imaigne the Ween D is in real life. A fucking annoying slobbery nuissance (I mean, you've seen Exes & Ohs). Luckily, Weiner Dog gets her ass strung up and slaughtered. Thank you Eli Roth.

It's Official: Exes & Ohs is WORST SHOW EVER

2007-10-21T18:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm sure you expected me to start posting on each episode of "Exes & Ohs" when it premiered on Logo, right? Honestly, I had completely anticipated happily reviewing each epsiode but after watching the second one I fell into a shitty-tv-induced coma for about 2 weeks and luckily this weekend I emerged. I was hoping to have had retrograde amnesia preferably back to March 2005 when Season 2 of The L-Word was in full effect and Dana and Alice were finally consummating their sweet, sweet love. However, I woke up with my memory intact and the sick taste of "Exes & Ohs" in my mouth.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHOW? Is it trying to be funny? Is it trying to be serious? Is that dark-haired-Ellen-wanna-be trying to talk to the camera? Cause none of it is working. Or making ANY sense for that matter. Are any of the characters likeable? fuckable? Ugh, I'm scared to even think about it.

Ellen-Oid-Thinga-Ma-Gig

Let's start with Jennifer, the fake-non-funny-curly-haired-Ellen-oid-thingy. She is a film maker ... but a boring documentary film maker. The producer and writer of this show really needs to figure out what the fuck Jennifer is doing there and recast her (self). The "explaining dyke rules" thing is not working. Plus, I've never heard of any of these rules.

"I am Weiner Dog, Hear me ROAR!"

As you might have guessed the character I hate and don't understand the purpose of the most is ... Weiner Dog ... a.k.a. Crutch. What the fuck is Crutch? What does that mean? Is it a boy or a goil? Why is she friends with these old dykes? As far as I can tell Kris and Chris, Jennifer and even Sam are pushing 35 and yet this weird Crutch thing is dropping by and hanging out with these old Ds. What gives? side note to Weiner Dog - Weiner dog, please never sing again. Ever. Thank you.

Twinsies.

Kris and Chris are mother fucking SO boring. They are identical, which is a funny joke like in a movie but in a TV show its so fucking redundent its annoying, right? Ugh, barf.

Who would try to kidnap this large dude (on the left, if you are blind)?

Sam was the one potential saving grace of the show - a "femme" Shane is what they were going for, right? She even has the occasional funny quip and cuts that freakazoid, Jennifer, down to size, which I enjoy. But she dates giant TRAN MEN who interestingly enough have been featured on E! Investigates: Kidnapping.

The icing on the cake of this disaster of a dyke comedy is that the coffee shop that they hang out at is called "BEAVER" ... what the fuck? That is fucked up. And I thought I hated "The Planet." If they were going for irony, maybe they should have tried "This Show Sucks Coffee & Tea."

Exes & Ohs Preview: Marla Hooch is BACK & GAY

2007-10-07T11:16:00.000-04:00

Logo's "Exes & Ohs" is premeiring tomorrow night - I'm seriously skeptical of this half hour version of the "L-Word" with "real-looking-dykes" mainly because of the "real" looking dyke factor. Instead of LA, this thing is based in Seattle, which I guess makes the FLANNEL wearing a little easier to handle. I mean seriously, check out that chick wearing a FLANNEL in that picture ... wait a second ... I think I recognize that thing - and I do mean thing - it's the lovely MARLA HOOCH from dyke-classic "A League of Their Own."

I always KNEW Marla Hooch was a big old dyke even though she would up married at the end of the movie. From the looks of things life has not gotten much better for that old Hooch - Apparently, they have her chatting up WIENNER DOG of all people at a bar. Look at this Wienner with the purple hair, jesus christ, she still looks like a wienner. Dog. That is.

UH HUH HER CONCERT

2007-08-27T20:05:00.000-04:00

Last night myself and every other lesbian in NYC went to the Uh Huh Her concert at the Mercury Lounge. It was actually a really good little concert (little in the sense that they only have about 5 songs to play total). Even though the concert was pretty awesome, some of the best moments came standing on line waiting to get in.

The scene is thus: hot New York street with a huge line of dykes of all shapes and sizes. Most of the conversation on the line consisted of "Well, I left her a my space message that I was coming" and "She just came out like a week ago." Obvi, it was a pretty young crowd not that I'm fucking old or anything, I'm just not an asshole. Anyway, the more "mature" contingent consisted of two old bull-dykes who were pissed that the young prettier dykes kept letting their MySpace friends cut in line. On an uplifting note, Lea Thompson (of "Space Camp" and "Caroline in the City" fame) sauntered by in her gym clothes. Of course, the baby dykes went ape-shit.

Another perk of standing in such a line was the peanut gallery comments of grandmotherly passers-by. Comments like "Why are there only girls here?" and "Is there a boy-band inside?" and my favorite, "So many girls!"

THIS is why the girls are lined up.

Of course there were some sassy dykes bobbing around saying annoying shit on the phone like, "I bet 20 bucks people are here to see Leisha Hailey, 20 bucks." Wow, you're a moron.

But enought about the line ... the concert was actually really good. One of the first things Leisha and Camilla (non-famous one) noted was that their band name was fucking terrible. Not in so many words but they at least offered up that it was hard to say. They suggested calling themselves "U.H.H." which is not much better but I'll take what I can get.

At one point during the show Leisha pulled out a weird hand-made moon-man charm that was "good luck" (Lord knows why they were giving it away but God bless) and threw it into the audience. I think the throwing-of-the-charm was to commemorate their first real gig. They mentioned they had done some "office" gigs before. Um, what offices? That made no sense. Regardless, Leisha throws this little weird thing into the audience and it is a horny-dyke-feeding-frenzy on the floor. You would have thought it was Leisha's vagina itself being thrown. Of course, an amazing dyko with a woman, I'm sorry "womyn," sign necklace catches the thing and the poses for a glory shot.

"I am womyn, hear me roar and then rip that moon-man out of your mitt"

"I am fucking awesome, I don't care that I'm not on The L Word"

What I found most eye-opening about the whole concert was how AWESOME Camilla Grey was and how much I now LOVE HER.

Leisha was great too if by "great" you mean standing around in a leopard-print dress swaying back and forth, eating the microphone, pressing the keyboard lackadaisically and thinking about outer space.

weeee ....woooo

laaaa ....woooo

I kid, Leisha was adorable and wonderful and everyone loves her. I just mean to point out that we need to give Camilla some fucking props here. Camilla pretty much sang all the songs and was totally awesome. Obviously, anywhere Leisha and Camilla go besides Clea Duvall's apartment (and probably even there), Leisha gets all the attention. I'm just trying to even the playing field here.

Anyway, I fucking adore Camilla and wish I was Clea Duvall ... My favorite part of the whole night was when Camilla and I played hide and seek while she was on stage. She is so playful. Love her.

Where are you Cammy!?

OOPS! Found ya! Bitch!

Another highlight - the guitar playing dude in the background. I love this guy. God bless him for being there since no woman there gave a shit about him.

South of Nowhere Embargo Lifted

2007-08-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

So, I have been silently boycotting "South Of Nowhere" this season because of Spencer and Ashley's breakup and the ensuing personality changes/general idiocy. However, this last epsiode was WAY too hilarious to not post on, so I hereby reinstate my written accounts of this terribly awesome show.

4 minutes in, I wasn't disappointed and experienced a totally meta moment. Watching Aiden on his faggy motorcycle, I started thinking "Wow, this show is a piece of shit." Almost immediately, I registered the lyrics of the background song: "Swimmin' in the feces." "YES, EXACTLY!" I thought. I couldn't believe my gay little ears. I instantly rewound and put on the deaf-people captioning:

"Water's too dirty"
"Swimmin' in the feces"

Yes, those were the exact lyrics. Although a courageously accurate description of this show, WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING? Who picked this song? I wracked my brain for a repressed memory of dressing up like a plumber to gain access to the N studioes and then secretly substituting the feces song into the line-up for S.O.N, Ep. 4. No such memory emerged, so I have to ask that the N immediately fire their music supervisor. He/she is clearly a fucking mental retard.

Chelsea and Carmen (or as I like to say, baby GinaGersh) were cracking me up in this episode. Kinda hilarious when Chelsea offers Carmen a blank canvas and says "Let's see what you got girl!?" Call me a loon but I wished Carmen would rip out her tampon, slap it on the canvas, and say "I do menstrual blood-art, you like?"

"Your period blood moves me, I'm so jealous"

Spencer shows up and says "Hey grrl!" thinking that Carmen was Chelsea. Side-note: since when do Chelsea and Spencer call each other GRRL all the time? It's irritating. Clay didn't even say that and he black. I hope this is the beginning of Spencer turning black. My lips to God's ear.

Carmen and Spencer start their little flirting dance. Carmen says, "Do you want to paint?" and what she really meant was "Chelsea spent hundreds of dollars on these canvases and supplies and she's about to become a single mother, shall we waste them?"

Water's too dirty!
Swimmin' in the feces

Baby Georgia O'Keefes

Again, I must take a moment to reveal hidden dialogue. Carmen says "Tell me your story." Spencer says something completely Spencer-like (aka: boring, shy, annoying, and devoid of sexual undertones) although she really should have said: "Well, my black brother just died, my girlfriend turned straight, my mom hates me because I'm a dyke, and I'm absolutely terrified to become a fake-aunt."

Why does Carmen know NOTHING about the prom-shooting? I also find it hard to believe that Carmen is close enough to stop by and ransack Chelsea's drug-dealer-inspired-decor studio but has not asked who the father of her baby is and whether he was alive or not. AND, you just know that everyone at school has been pointing at Spencer whispering, "There's the dyke whose black brother just died." Come on Carmen, open your eyes!

Water's too dirty!
Swimmin' in the FECES

My absolute FAVORITE part of the scene was these two gay gals trying to suss out each other's dyke-dom and thus seguing into a suspenseful commercial break. However, the cut to commercial abruptly shows a GIANT YELLOW FULL-LEG CAST. Totally ruined the momentum. Its absurd, go back and look. You won't be disappointed.

Speaking of commercials and fast-forwarding, my DVR went bananas and kept showing scenes of "Dance with Me" set to porno music. It was wild. I had to keep fast-forwarding through.

Richard Gere looks weird, right?

Why was Madison like not in this episode at all?

Favorite line of the episode goes to Aiden when he bitches Ashley out for being a nasty little bi-bitch:

"Have sex with Lily Allen or whoever, I don't care"

Fucking awesome.

Wait a second, do lyrics count as "lines?" If they do, I'll have to retract and say my favorite line was:

WATER'S TOO DIRTY
SWIMMIN' IN THE FECES

ELLEN DEGENERES GREETING CARDS

2007-08-19T15:10:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I was bopping around the Duane Reede (for those dykes outside NYC, think CVS) picking up some Crest Pro Health and Diet Coke when I strolled down the greeting card aisle and was shocked to see a big fat cartoon Ellen smack dab between the Shoebox and the Ebony cards! Not too shaby, Ellen, breaking into the greeting card aisle. Who knew that lesbian greeting cards could take up a quarter of the aisle? I was floored. I dropped my toothpaste and opened up the first card ...

The Front Read ...."I Hope Your Birthday Brings Everything A Friend Like You Desires ..."

Hooray for gay greeting cards!

... I bet the inside says, " ... like a hot girlfriend and the legalization of gay marriage! Happy Birthday!" Let's see ...

Note: That is not a penis, but my thumb.

Ooooh. These are not for lesbians. These are just for corny 45 year old midwestern women who watch Ellen's show and think she's a girl and ignore "rumors" of her being a lesbian. My mistake. I should have known better, the cartoon is pretty misleading: instead of her regular "homo-ish" gear (blazers, tshirts, sneakers) Ellen has boobies, a cute top and is fucking a guy.

The real question is - are we more offended by the heteroization of Ellen or the dehumorization of her? I mean that card is not funny AT ALL ... like not even remotely (go back and read it again ... ugh. It's just stupid ... and that was the best one there. I mean I saw one with a CAT on it. Ew)

Regardless, it's still great that Ellen is rocking her gayness (I'm referring to the cheesiness of the greeting cards, not her fucking Portia De Rossi) in the Hallmark Aisle.

REVIEW: HERE'S LESBIAN SEX AND SEXUALITY DVD

2007-08-12T20:43:00.000-04:00

The we're here, we're queer, get used to it network - here! - is releasing their 6 part series Lesbian Sex and Sexuality on 2-DVDS this week. Although, I'm not a subscriber to the here! network, I was fortunate enough to take a sneak peek at this little lesbian sex-fest. God, where was this kinda shit when I was 16? In the spirit of giving back the 16 year old me, I'm going to give YOU a sneak preview into a few of the episodes here:

One of the best episodes focuses on the genre of lesbian porn ... which seemed to feature Mercedes from ANTM Cycle Two. I had no idea that Lupus-afflicted Mercedes transitioned into lesbian porn. Good for her.

L to R: The "face of Erocktavision" and the "ass-face of Erocktavision"

Heavily featured was Dana Dane, the founder of Erocktavision. She is a porn producer slash professional tomboy. And although they call her aesthetic "L-Word-esque," the description is a bit liberal. The look into Erocktavision was quite hilarious - with direction like, "ok, now, rub your boobies together."

I think one of the pornstars describes Dana's style best when she says, "Dana captures more sensuality .. its not like 'I want you to moan a whole lot and make a big fuss or I want you to hang from the rafters and stick shit in each other's asses.'"

Seriously, there was some amazing insight into what pornstars do post-lesbian-sex-scene. I learned two interesting facts... 1, There is nothing more hilarious slash awkward than 2 girls awkwardly hugging post-wrap after they have just gone down on each other on camera. 2, when a scene ends lesbian-pornstars give the camera-women a celebratory kiss on the mouth (again, after just going down on each other on camera).

They profiled another "up and coming" porn director, Shine Houston. Shine is an interesting character. She looks exactly exactly exactly like Rick James and she isn't afraid to channel the inner Rick James in a crazy porn featuring a ton of lesbian freaks called, you guessed it, "Superfreak." My favorite thing about Shine - cause she was alittle scary if I may be frank - was when she said, "I get my inspiration from my inner 14-yr old boy."

The most shocking thing about lesbian porn to me was this: one of the lesbian pornstar's name was Jiz. That just does not seem right. At all. Wrong really.

L to R: Bird, Sabra and Arissa

Another one of my favorite eps featured lesbian go-go dancers. These chicks were both lesbians and go-go dancers at lesbian bars. (One of them looked exactly like Sabra from SO You Think You Can Dance, another looked exactly like SoArissa from Real World: Las Vegas). Yeah, the other one just looked like a bird.

This episode was fucking hilarious - mainly because half of the interviews of the go-go dancers were done on a playground - where the dancers slid up and down a poll that children zip down. So terrible. You can even see regular kids and moms hanging out in the background.

These Go-Go Dancers are absolutely wonderful and I love them - mainly because they keep saying how lesbians are so fucking demanding. Guys just want to see tits bouncing around but lesbians want to see tits plus a dog and pony show. The funniest thing about Go-Go dancers is that Go-Go dancers don't think they are strippers ... um, news flash Go-Go dancers, you are strippers.

You'll have to buy the DVD series to see the rest of the episodes - I don't have much bad to say about these little vignettes. The only one I didn't like was the history of lesbian erotica, which was a bit of a snooze-fest. My only other comment would be I wish they had broadened their range of lesbian commentators .... aka: I'm kinda sick of Diane Cage (a lesbian sexpert) at this point. Dykey but funny, Julie Goldman, in an ep all about fantasy, was hilarious and refreshing. More like her please - but more femme.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed these DVDS, could have used a few more femmes in there ... but really appreciated some of the random femme stuff I had never heard of that they dug up ... like the I Heart Brooklyn Girls calendar ... which is 12 months of HOT FEMMES ... JACKPOT, made the whole thing worth watching.

Casting News! The Patty Duke Show is back...

2007-08-04T17:02:00.000-04:00

Great news everybody - one of our favorite 60s sitcoms is coming back! That's right, The Patty Duke Show, is back ... it's hard to imagine any actress filling Patty's patent leather shoes but in this day and age full of CGI, the effects are going to be amazing - there won't be anything that Patty Lane and Cathy Lane can't do together. Maybe they will cast La Lohan and give that fake dyke a break - she's certainly got the experience (see 1998's "Parent Trap").

Oh ... wait, I've just heard ... they cast 2 actressses to play Patty Duke ... how interesting ... perhap's they aren't identical cousins... oh wait ... they ARE identical cousins ...

Wow, these two ladies must have been separated at BIRTH! They are a little butcher than I would have cast, but I say, "kudos - let's be progressive" maybe these new Patty Dukes are gay or something. Wait, a second, I recognize that one on the left, that is Moira/Max aka Daniela Sea .... but I can't quite place that other gal ... oh wait, that's Zac Efron, the girliest girl on the tween scene today. Wow, these gals are cute and I think they will do a smashing job revamping this classic show.

Okay, obviously, there is NO Patty Duke remake in the works, I made it up... but you have to admit it, based on the identical nature of these ugly misfits, you thought it was real.

REVIEW: Uh Huh Her & Clea Duvall

2007-07-31T20:49:00.000-04:00

uh ...huh ... HER!

I must admit, I bought Uh Huh Her's mini-album only out of pure devotion for the Leisha Hailey (she is delightful in every way). I hadn't read any reviews and even choked back the vom when I heard Leisha's band name was Uh Huh Her ... just try telling your friend: "Oh you have to hear this great new band.... What is the name you ask? Right, yeah, it is called Uh Huh Her." It's the most awkward 3 things to say together, but god bless this little electric-dance-pop duo (even though you sound like a FOOL saying their name). I REALLY like this little baby album (its only 4 songs). Obviously I'm terrible at reviewing music but wanted to support the ONLY good thing (despite le Beals) left in the "L-Word".

So after I listened to the album, I went on over to the Uh Huh Her website and I clicked on the gallery. I was quite pleased to find that all the pics of this gay-ing-it-up-lezzie-duo were taken by the one and only, CLEA DUVALL. Hmm, I wonder why Clea Duvall is hanging out with two big dizzies ... oh, maybe cause this little "But I'm a Cheerleader ..." star is indeed, as we all expected a BIG FAT DYKE. (BTW, I saw her in Santa Monica once, bopping around with a potentially gay lady - looked a lot like La Lohen's new gf ... and if that wasn't enough they went straight to FOOT LOCKER on the 3rd Street Promenade, so gay right!?) And yes, I know because I followed them like the stalker-dyke I proudly am.

Anyway ... Clea, gay as she may be, took some cute pics of the Leish and her band mate (yes, I refuse to name her, although she makes sweet sweet music with Leisha). Here are some of the Duvall's pics ...

Clea: Look gayer .. look more depressed ... perfect! (click)

Clea: That's right, there ya go, I want to fuck both of you cause I'm gay. (click)

My recommendation ... go forth little baby L-Word loving dykes and downloaded Uh Huh Her first few singles.

L-WORD SEASON 5 PREVIEW

2007-07-25T19:29:00.000-04:00

So today, I checked out my Our Chart account, and I thought, "Finally my Our Chart account has paid off with a little L-Word Season 5 preview" becuase our friends Our Chart (that was gay and I know it) posted some pictures taken by the lovely little Jennifer Beals that promised a BACKSTAGE GLIMPSE at Season 5. So I was just about to post these amazing "sneak peaks" when I realized that one is from SEASON 2, like what the fuck Beals, don't say this is a Backstage Glimpse of Season 5 and then fucking give Our Chart pics from Season 2, not cool. I thought the very good Carmen was BACK. Damn you. What a tease. Who knows if these other pictures are from Season 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5! There's not telling ... damn you Beals!

So now, as payback for this ultimate CLIT TEASE ... I re-post these pictures without Jennifer Beals' permission ...

Here they are .... let's start with the SEASON 2 fucking clit tease ... god damn I miss that Carmen.

Oh, the rest can't be that bad right? They can't be a bigger tease than Carmen coming back right? WRONG ...

WHY, WHY, Why did you kill Dana you mother fuckers. I can't get over how fucking stupid that was. She was like 30. Retarded. Maybe her weird bitter and sad ghost will come back this season.

Ok, let's look at the last sneak peaker ... oh it's our little deaf friend Marlee Matlin. She is delightful ... oh what's that she's reading ...

Ew, Marlee is reading her OWN fucking BOOK. What the fuck is her problem!?

What could have been a great little post exposing some amazing behind the scenes has just turned out to be DEPRESSING, rehashing the loss of two great characters and unvealing the self-absoption of our favorite deaf actress (are there any others).

FINALLY ... LINDSAY LOHAN IS GAY!

2007-07-15T09:39:00.001-04:00

"Yippee, I'm bi."

YEAH! Star Magazine reported this week that Lindsay "Cokehead" Lohan truly is bi and in love with a girl! YEAH! How very Angelina Jolie of her ... I hope she tells Larry King all about it soon ... Unfortunately Larry King wouldn't know what the fuck was going on and be like, "So what do two girls do together? Rub boobers together?" Regardless, the world needs more cute gays and bis or trannies or whatever, so I support the Lohan in her gay endeavor. Plus I've been waiting for the Lohan to come out since Mean Girls, ok, since Freaky Friday, alright alright, since that remake of The Parent Trap (yeah, she was 12, whatever, I still wanted her to be gay).

Ah. It is truly a wonderful wonderful day for lesbians everywhere. Ooo, I wonder what HOTTIE la Lohan is dating ... certainly it isn't sickie Heather Matarazzo ...

La Lohan must have better taste than the weiner-dog, right? Maybe it's Michelle Rodriguez, nah she is alittle old, but they could do drugs together ....

I'm high ... and old.

Oooh, how about Clea Duvall, she is on "Heroes" ... wild.

"I'm unhappy cause I'm not out. Oh, I look like a guy too. With a girl's haircut."

Or Kristanna Loken, fiesty.

Hotchie. Why doesn's PAIGE look like this on the L-Word, not fair.

Oh wait, I have a picture of Lohan and her girlfriend.... FUCKING JESUS, Lohan is dating a boy, I was totally wrong, she is not bi afterall.

linds and her ugly boyfriend

Oh my bad. That's a girl, yack. That's a girl named Samantha Ronson and that is a boy-girl. Yup. I take back what I said about Lohan, she ain't gay or bi or anything, she's just high and hooking up with what she thinks is a boy. Oh man, someone really should tell her that SAM is a GIRL. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Work Out (S.2 E.6)

2007-04-28T12:32:00.000-04:00

our daddies killed themselves - it turned one of us gay and one of us fat

I know, I know, I didn't write about the last two eps of "Work Out" and do you want to know why? Well, because they sucked and bored me to tears. It's true. Admit it. The only interesting thing that came out of those eps was that Jackie and Laurie told everyone that their dads' both committed suicide. Did anyone else notice that when they started talking about this, the therapist dressed like an eskimo's face had an expression that said "FUCK, I am out of my league .. ack." Other than that, the Skylab retreat was LE boring. Even Rebecca throwing water in Jesse's face - not all that great.

This last ep however, pretty decent. Jesse actually rose in my esteem by apologizing to Rebecca for being a jealous faggot. On a side note, remember how last season Jackie kept telling Jesse he was too fat? Well, in this ep I finally noticed that he looks about 20 lbs lighter. Right? He was a fat cat for a trainer, it's true.

I may look like Angelina but I can't model for shit

Damn it - Erika looks exactly like Angelina Jolie ... it's too bad she is a TERRIBLE model, like fucking awful, right? Had no clue what she was doing, which is weird, cause I assume they've done some publicity shots for Bravo, etc. That Brad Pitt "look-a-like" looked like Brad Pitt's second cousin through marriage circa "Thelma and Louise." God, at least shave that dude's head. It was actually pretty funny when they were in Jackie's office and Jackie said that she'd been trying to get Angelina to adopt her for years. Quelle lesbo of you, Jackie. Kudos.

Love watching Jackie take the fats for a walk in the Ye Olde Super Markete. So hilarious. I can't help but derive pleasure from watching these tortured souls go gaga over candy as Jackie parades them through the aisles, fucking hilarious.

"Steve Lieberman. Steve Lieberman. Steve Lieberman. Steve Lieberman"

Oh man - how amazing was it when Jackie opened that box of samples and they were fucking atrocious?! Ah, loved it . Steve totally fucked her. What was more amazing still was when Jackie decided to fuck him right back by using his full name over and over again on the voice overs. Like, "I was so shocked when my manufacturer Steve Lieberman sent me shitty samples. I just didn't know what I would even say to Steve Lieberman. How will I confront Steve Lieberman about STEVE LIEBERMAN's shoddy work!?" So amazing. That whole trip was retarded - why didn't she just cancel it, how are you going to sell a clothing line without any samples? But that old Jack(ie) of all trades kinda did pull it out by saying she would be into going to in-store appearances. Not bad.

Ugh. I hate that Meaghan from Star magazine so much. She is an annoying fatcat. And why does Star magazine pay so much that this fatty can pay for SkyLab? Ew. This pig is annoying. What's even more annoying is that she is friends with Nick Veratos from Project Runway. She looked like 2 pigs in a blanket in those dresses. God, she did NOT look good. Yuck. I hate that fuck.

WORKOUT (S.2 E.3)

2007-04-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe it but I have JUST been introduced to Work Out and I must say, I'm in love. I cannot believe that I completely missed Season 1 - I don't know what was wrong with me. Don't fret though, I've seen the lesbian light of Jackie Warner and it's strong and dykey and full of love. And I'll be watching from now on.

I did happen to catch the Season Finale from last year and oh my god, how fucking NUTS was Mimi? Total psychopath. God bless.

I wanted to kill Greg with his insane obsession/pursuit of Zen. Um, I don't get it, he is so f-ing awkward, with the constant nonsequitors of "You look really great" after every other sentence, while starting at her. The whole asking her to "be his lawyer" sort of was fucking retarded too. Zen was kind of a cunt about the it actually and could not be less interested in this loser. I would praise her if she wasn't such a loser herself. Ok, fine, she's nice and cute or whatever but her comedy routine might as well have included some Kramer remarks because I could not have hated it or her more.

Pillow fight! Jackie, get your hand out of my vagina.

So here is a confession of mine, when I go to my therapist and she tells me, "you should really call some of your friends and go out," I actually CALL FRIENDS AND GO OUT, I don't call my friends and invite them over for a slumber party with a sex/masturbation expert. Do you? Not to mention that that was one of the strangest masturbation/sex experts I've ever seen too, you would think in LA, you could find a "cooler" one. She looked like Mary Kaye saleswoman who went to the wrong house and decided to just play along. How terribly awkward was it when Jackie and Rebecca went into the bathroom to take "hotchie matchie" cream and rub it on their fucking cliti (plural form)? Fucked up. Obviously the Avon Lady just gave them some dry-skin lotion and told them it was magical.

What is going on with this Rebecca JAP? I don't get it, is she into chicks, just into Jackie, just trying to get more screen time, or merely annoyed that she didn't win amazing race? I mean I can't figure it out. Then you've got Jesse at dinner ... oh wait ... I've skipped over an incredibly amazing, I mean AWFUL part of the show ....

I'm NOT funny. At all. Isn't that funny?

ZEN'S "COMEDY" ROUTINE ... and I use the word comedy VERY VERY loosely. That was the worst comedy set I have ever witnessed in my entire life. It was FUCKING atrocious. All she did was invite all her co-workers to her set for "support" and then made really really fucking lame jokes about all of them, that no one but them understood ... and even they weren't laughing. Zen is kinda pathetic check out her blog on Bravo here is a sampling, "Thankfully, my set goes GREAT! And I’m pleased there is no national bombing on Bravo." Um, news flash Zen, you did BOMB. You were awful. Just read the rest of her blog to find out how UNfunny she really is. Seriously though after watching Zen's comedy routine, I've decided to go into comedy myself but I'm going to invite my mom and dad to my set and talk to them about growing up. I won't even make jokes.

One of these things is not like the other. (Yes, one is cross-eyed but that is not what I'm talking about): One is GAY.

Back to the goods ... So, the whole Rebecca and Jackie thing is kind sketchy because Jackie is her BOSS! Just because there is four tits between you doesn't mean you don't have to follow the rules of civilized and professional society. Here's my questions, why would they "come out" with their relationship with all the work people around and like make-out for presumably the first time in the hallway of the bathroom after Jesse bitches them both out? It just seems so stupid, right? It's just such an amazing recipe for disaster, I cannot wait to see what happens next.

DINAH SHORE WEEKEND RECAP

2007-04-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I arrived at my first Dinah Shore weekend a bit skeptical - pumped for my trip I went online to learn a little more about this hallowed weekend. What I found out rocked my assumptions about the weekend to the CORE. First off, "The" Dinah Shore was NOT a lesbian, I had assumed that the weekend was named after Dinah Shore because she was a biggie closeted dyke from the 50s who maybe had a nice gay beard, but in fact she was a straighty. I mean WHAT - Then I realized that the weekend was actually named after the Dinah Shore GOLF tournament. I thought my fate was sealed - polo shirts and funny pants - maybe just maybe I would come back having learned golf from Anika Sorenstam after a nice roll in the hay.

Giant PALMERS!

Luckily my spirits were quickly lifted and my mind set at ease when I drove through Palm Springs - which was FUCKING BEAUTIFUL and jam packed with thousands upon thousands of lovely lezzies in all shapes and sizes. It was truly an awesome little slice of dyke heaven.

How awesome is this poster? Welcoming dykes to get drunk and screw. Love it.

There were girls with girls EVERYWHERE - so amazing - on the streets, in restaurants, at the bars, in packs and it was glorious.

Look at all these cuties mingling.

DINAH MOMENT: At about 6pm on Friday, I was walking through town and coming at me are three butch girls - clearly drunk from a day of drinking poolside - and one of them had a white piece of paper taped to her chest with her digits on it. Fucking classic.

Is that Kristen Key from "Last Comic Standing"? Maybe, she gay.

Of course what would a big Lesbian celebration be without the fabulous Sandra Bernhard - I didn't actually see her little show, but she is glorious but hideous in the face. Please enjoy this picture:

There were plenty of stripper type performances too - including a swirling of rumors that Carmen Electra was coming to town specifically to COME OUT and declare herself a big lady lover with her girlfriend Joan Jett. Only one thing about this rumor shocked me - I had no idea Joan Jett was a lesbian (Oh come on, Dave Navarro was a damn WOMAN). Carmen Electra has always been a diz. Think about it. Dave wore so much eye make up and did any one see "Til Death Do Us Part", he acted like a damn girl - but seriously, I had NO idea that Joan Jett was a lesbian? What's wrong with me? Maybe she is just too old to be on my radar, I mean gaydar.

God Bless these strippers putting up with girls all over them.

The parties were out of CONTROL - in many ways - firstly, they were SUPER expensive, I mean I guess you should expect to pay top dollar to party exclusively with lesbians (and a handful of gay guys) but if you wind up going be prepared to shell out up to $75 to get in - secondly, after paying that much, you feel the need to drink about 75 drinks, so personally, I was quite a drunk lady ...

Woo ... We are lesbians!

The White Party - ok there were actually 2 White Parties - not one - because a few years ago the promoters of Dinah broke up so there are actually COMPETING "Dinah Shore" weekends - kind of wild, n'es pas? Anyway, the White Party(s) are pretty impressive. Mainly because when you go for dinner in town (me wearing normal pre-white party clothes) you see tons of hetero couples having dinner in normal outfits and then lesbian hordes and couples show up wearing all sorts of all white elements.

White Strippers! Yeah!

DINAH MOMENT: One of my favorite moments was seeing a giant horde of white clad dykes next to a little old rich lady who just happened to be wearing all white that night with her hubby. Tres cute.

One of these ladies is wearing PINK. While it may be GAY it ain't white!

It takes all kinds. This kind is my friend Barbara.

Hotchie Matchie. I like your legwarmers.

The parties were great - but my FAVORITE thing was just watching all the ladies strolling through town, as cheesy as it is, it was really fucking cool. Here is a compilation of some of my favorite snap shots of girls and bois about town - please look closely for the very cute cowboy dyke and motorcycle dykes. Love you all, you're the best - see you NEXT YEAR!

As if this wasn't enough - dykes abounded in the airport too - and I got some pics of them too, but then realized they were probably Midwestern moms. Dykes and Midwestern moms are HARD to tell apart, see if you can tell the difference:

Dykes or Midwestern moms? Answer: BOTH.

L-WORD: Season 4 FINALE

2007-04-01T19:24:00.000-04:00

OPENING SEQUENCE

What in the world was going on with Bette and the street urchin slash homeless woman?/man? I'm not entirely sure but looks a bit like a big fat bald Tracy Chap right?

TINA WAS AMAZING THIS EP!

I cannot even believe I'm writing these words ... but Tina was 100% awesome in this ep. She was maybe the best thing I've ever encountered in my life. After a season of complete neglect and terribleness, the Tina-Pig ended STRONG. Her interactions with Jenny were spectacular beginning with her trying to give Jenny script-writing books at The Planet. Of course, Jenny refuses to listen to her, because she is off to buy a Pomeranian ... the look on Tina's face when she says, "how cute," was priceless. LOVED it.

WHY DOES PAIGE HATE HER CHILD?

Seriously, the Paige does not like this kid at all any more. She loves Shane and Shane alone and wants to fuck her all day and night and neglect her child. It's kinda terrible and I think Shane knows it too. Weirdness.

TASH AND ALICE SHOWDOWN

Did anyone else notice that Alice's hair was red and straight in this scene while in every other scene she has blond curly hair? Yeah looks like a bit of a re-shoot to me. I think Alice also thought that she was talking to Phyllis by the pool telling Tasha to "stop following" her, etc. Whatever, though. Best line of this scene, "Who the fuck is Eva Torres?" This was an excellent question and I'm still confused while Papi didn't just use "PAPI" on these invites, I mean they were photoshopped pics and the party is at Purple Stick Bug's house, so why did Papi's name even have to be on it? Totally weird nonsequitor of a line, but still hilarious.

Oh, why was Alice wearing a mishmash handcuff decoupage necklace? It was kinda cool actually.

I THINK I'VE LOST MY MIND

Ok, again, I cannot believe the words I'm about to write ... I want Tina and Bette to get back together. AH. What's WRONG WITH ME? But seriously, it would be kind of great right? As long as Tina keeps up her awesomeness from this ep and doesn't revert to her shitty old purse-"lipped" ways. I put "lips" in quotes because Tina ain't got none so it was an inside joke with myself. Regardless, Tina is amazing to me right now - don't get me wrong, I'm still not buying her "career" but I'm loving her more than ever.

Another great thing about the scene between Bette and Tina on the set was when Kate Arden showed up in her beat-down light bright blue Caprice and stuck her fork into some craft service food and just sort of flinged it around. Hilarious.

WHY DOES HER OWN CHILD HATE PAIGE?

The L-Word universe seems to have a way of evening out doesn't it? Paige hates Jared and likewise, Jared hates Paige. He was fucking hilarious with, "I don't want you to be a lez." But this whole interaction was so fucking weird. Shane doesn't really seem to like Paige, but instead sort of wants a kid. It's so weird. And also, Shane trying to convince Jared to accept his mom as a Lez because then Shay would be his brother made NO SENSE. First of all, Shay would be his fucking Uncle, not his brother, and secondly, Shay doesn't live with Shane anymore. Fucking weirdness.

JOYCE-IN-ATOR LOVES TO FUCK FAT BLOND WOMEN

Can I just say that the first moment that I heard Joyce and Phyllis would meet, I KNEW these two sick fucks would wind up together. EW. Joyce certainly has a type doesn't she? AKA: there is no difference between a regular Phyllis and a pregnant Tina. Think about it. Joyce's nickname, The Reamer, is fucking disgusting. It makes me want to fucking puke.

3 DYKES STEAL A SIGN

This was the cutest scene in a long time, let me count the ways: 1) When Bette said she brought steaks and Alice thought they would make a great lunch, SO CUTE. 2) When they climbed the fence and Alice sort of tried to get Bette to call the whole thing off by planting the seed that Tina had replaced her with Kate and wanted her back. 3) When they jumped over the fence and Bette threw the steak to the dogs and Alice was squealing and jumping about. 4) When Alice wheeled Shane away on the dolly. 5) When Shane sort of got hit in the "nuts." 6) Alice getting stuck on the chimney and yelling, "save yourself," and "leave me behind." These three are so adorable, I just love them and wish they were my friends.

PURPLE STICK BUG OF DEATH

Stick Bug is out of control. I'm still a bit confused how Papi and Helena have become fast friends, but it's cute.

SCHECTER/TINA SHOWDOWN

I told you Tina was motherfucking awesome in this ep and she just keeps getting better and better. First she tries to dupe Jenny into not coming to the meeting, and then when Jenny crashes, Tina goes off on her. That was goddamn amazing. How about when Jenny says, "She just wants to fuck you, " and Kate Arden's face is like, "You're a fucking idiot." It's so good. Remember when Tina calls Jenny a FUCKING CUNT. A-MAZ-ING. However, I must say that her argument was completely retarded. Last time I checked, Bette didn't almost lose her job - in fact, I remember an ugly Phyllis getting quite a jolly old kick out of Jenny's "Bev." Also, last time I checked a big-time hot-shot Hollywood producer could afford to support one tiny little brat. Jenny and Sounder 2 were out of hand though and deserved to be put in their places.

KATE AND MERKIN RIP HER A NEW ONE

Tina's ripping of Jenny was awesome - but the Kate/Merkin double team the next day was really amazing. Although we later learn it might have pushed Jenny over the edge to suicide, it was pretty fucking terrific. Speaking of offing yourself, whatever did happen to Lindsay? Sounds like she may have killed herself too. "You killed a dog?"

Sidenote: Does Kate Arden EVER change her clothes? In every single scene she has on the white kangol hat and that green army jacket. Get a new outfit already you hot little dirtbag.

KROLL AND REAMER

EW. This is such a DEATH MATCH. When the Joyce popped up in the door frame, wasn't Tina's face hilarious? Again, the Tina was awesome in this EP!

Kind of hilarious when Phyllis called out behind these two idiots, "Oh, we just love to do architectural garden tours!"

Despite how utterly SICK this match made in hell is, I do applaud the L Word writers for killing two birds with one stone (I use "bird" in a literal sense when describing the Joyce-Ostrich). That is to say that the containment factor of the Kroll/Wischneia relationship is pretty great - aka: no other loved L Word character will have to be hit on by these freaks EVER AGAIN. Hallelujah!

SHANE / PAIGE DREAM SEQUENCE

This was wild. Weird and wild. And bewildering. I kept saying to myself, "Damn, Shane is such a fucking guy." I said this even before they dressed her up like Ward Cleaver. She was strolling around wrapped in a towel but with her tits hanging about. There is possibly no greater outfit for a woman than a towel wrapped about her bod, why would you ruin that image by wearing your towel like a 17 yr old dude in a locker room ... even if you are a dyke? Oh Shane. It was then that I realized why all the straight girls I know would totally "go gay for Shane" and I have absolutely no attraction. One more thing I liked about this scene was Paige as June Cleaver but with a dykey wrist-tat. I never thought I'd see the day.

DANA WEIRDNESS

Oh, how happy I was when I saw Erin Daniels name pop up in the credits in the beginning of the ep. I thought, OMG, maybe just maybe, Dana is back from the dead, or maybe just maybe, she has a twin sister. But no, instead, she is back for a one time Alice weird ghost fantasy. It left me wondering many things ... Why did she show up drinking a Pepsi? Why does she refer to Tasha as Alice's "friend"? Why does Alice fucking hate her? And why must even in death, Dana be totally and completely depressed (remember the 20 seconds that was her looking sad and lamentful at the end of that scene?).

TASHA'S PARTY

How in the world did Toshi the street performing homeless dyke show up at Tasha's beach party? Like, why does there have to be another character with a T-sh name and does she have be a street performer? Why did Tasha and Eva Torres take a romantic walk on the beach? Where did Jenny go - is she taking the reverse commute to Haiti? How come she didn't actually take Sounder 2 with her ... "Since no one wants to ride with me - why don't you and I go take a ride?" ... so sad really.

I'm sick of the Purple Stick Bug of doom gambling on EVERY single thing in the world. You stupid stick fuck. Oigha. Stupid.

Why were Tasha's friends pissed and grossed out by Alice? Weird.

BETTE WINS BACK AN AARDVARK!

Can we please discuss the amazing symbolism of giving a deaf person a gigantic "SIGN" as a token of your love for them? wow. that is powerful - well done Chaiken et al.

I'm so sad that the season is over. Really, really sad. This ep was fucking awesome though.

DINAH SHORE WEEKEND PREVIEW

2007-03-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

So, I know I've been very delinquent in my postings - I've been working over time at my "real" job - preparing for a vakay which includes my first trip to the good ol' Dinah Shore Weekend. Oh yes, I'm going into the heart of hot steamy dykedom, and I'm gonna like it. Or at least take pictures of freaks and laugh at them with my friends.

Can you believe that Xena and Gabrielle, who are both "not gay" are going to appear at the Dinah? I love when celebs love their gay contingent - like do you think they get paid? What's the benefit of having 5000 dykes drooling all over you, unless you can fuck the hot ones? I just don't get it.

RE: L WORD POSTS

I deeply apologize for being about an episode behind - and frankly, I'm not going to be back from Dinah until April 1st - but expect 3 AMAZING postings as soon as I come back - L WORD Episode 11 - L WORD FINALE - and INSIDE DINAH SHORE, literally inside her vagina.

L-WORD: LITTLE BOY BLUE (S.4 E.10)

2007-03-22T21:02:00.000-04:00

Yuck, my mommy, er, sorry, Mama "B" is fucking an aardvark!

I am SO sorry, I've had a crazy few weeks and been SUPER busy ... but I'll be back with a vengeance. And when I say vengeance I mean I will fucking tear apart this insane episode from 2 weeks ago. OMG, it was devasting, let's begin the dissection ...

PURPLE STICK BUG IS MENTAL

The stick bug is a maniac, she must be stopped. Like it's kind of sexy to put lipstick on your girlfriend's stomach, but wouldn't it have been a bit hotter to put it on your own lips and then like kiss the shit out of her stomach - wow that didn't sound sexy at all, it sounded sick. Nevermind. Also, are these two morons even girlfriends? I have no idea what the fuck is going on and I'm not afraid to admit it.

DEAFIES FIGHT IT OUT

OMG - How amazing was the sign language throw-down between Jodi and the dyke she fucked over? So fucking amazing. I love the idea that there is a sign for "fucking cunt." Not bad. I got to learn that one, and since I'm probably as smart as Bette, I've already learned it; it has taken me one nanosecond.

Blossom is BACK and she's GAY!

PAIGE = BLOSSOM

What is going on with the resurgence of "Blossom"-oid hats on "The L-Word"? (This is a spoiler for the next ep, Shane wears a crazy bowler number) Paige's flop-top blossom hat is nutso but whatever, I love that idiot for trying to love that old Shane-a-ma-doo.

MOIRA/MAX CLAN IS A BUNCH OF FREAKS!

Ugh, Sheboygan. She was a fucking devil. The dad came around a bit and honestly, I don't really blame him for saying Max was a distant cousin or some shit, I mean this is the first time they are seeing old Maximus in full Maximus regalia. It was kinda sweet when the old man called Maxy son too. That was nice. But I wish the old man had stuck up for him a bit and told him to stick around for the funeral. Poor little Maxi-pad.

STORY TIME FOR PAIGE AND SHANE

The story metaphor for sex, it's a little retarded, a lot retarded. But sort of adorable because Paige and Shane are pretty fucking cute together. But seriously,"Remember that story in the car that time" doesn't make sense, 2 adult women telling each other stories, like MAYBE, a fucking 4 yr. old would believe that - but not a fucking 10 yr. old. He knows these two are fucking.

LOVE ME SOME KATE ARDEN

Ah, Kate Arden is a damn dream. Am I right? Annabella Sciorra is fucking hot, right? How did she go from looking like some homely asthma-ridden dumpy mother in "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle" to this masterpiece before us? And, drumroll please, ITS TWENTY+ YEARS LATER!!! (Come to think of it, Julianne Moore looks a hell of a lot better too. DeMornay looks like a hag though - its a shame). And will Tina and Jenny wind up fighting over who gets to fuck this little Italian stallion? I hope so. Tina is so teteering on the edge of dyke-dom, its STUPID.

Kind of retarded that Tina dragged her to Bette's dinner party though, right? Yeah, I thought so.

HORSE RACING MADNESS

Ew. The Papi/Kit sexual disgustingness continues at the goddamn horse races. What the fuck is Papi doing, she is getting closer and closer to fucking this sick bigpigfuck. Ew.

Tasha and Alice are fucking adorable as always. So, so, so cute. No PDAing for Sergeant Tash-inator though and that was sad when she got caught by the biggest prick in the world.

Stick Bug attacks once again - by first getting Helena to loose all her fucking money and by secondly, fucking her against the glass. She is evil. I hope Jared finds her and puts her in a jar and then shoves her in the freezer for a day and then places her under a magnifying glass only to then step on her. Isn't that what boys do? Shane? A little help here?

DINNER PARTY MADNESS

Oh My God. What happened? This dinner party seemed like it was going to be so good - remember how cute Aardvark and Bette were being with the list and the planning? So cute but what on earth happened? It was a goddamn hot mess. Jode-ster did seem to have no fucking clue what the hell anyone was talking about and didn't seem to want to particpate at all, but at the same time, was smiling and not complaining, oh wait, except when she tore Bette's sphincter out for TRYING to fucking help her. There is a difference between being a control freak and just trying to be nice. Come on Aardvark, what is up with that, Bette doesn't know how the deaf thing works, cut her some slack. Maybe she is a control freak but she is fucking awesome and hot, you should be so lucky you old SICK AARDVARK-ASSHOLE.

But seriously, there huge fight fucking sucked. I KNEW this wasn't going to last. ANNOYING.

Note, I know this work wasn't my best but I had to do something because I was getting inundated with emails asking "Where are you, you amazing woman?" and I felt guilty. I do apologize for my absence these past few weeks, I promise to be back and be bitchier and wittier than ever. Just bear with me dykes.

L-WORD: LACY LILTING LYRICS (S.4.E.9.)

2007-03-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

MARINA PEACOCK MEDLEY

What on earth is going on? Remember back in Season 1/2 when the opening of the show was like a sweet little flash back to something that would reveal its significance by the end of the ep (i.e. Dana's mom having lezzie tendancies as a horseback ridding kiddie?)? Ah those were good times. Now, we are reduced to weirdness all around (need I remind you of last week's "Pet Cemetary"-meets-Sounder-meets-poodle-headed-Jenny opener?). I knew this was a bad omen for what was to come and I wasn't disappointed.

TINA AND JENNY'S MADCAP ADVENTURE IN HOLLYWOOD

Whoa. Watching these 2 idiots pop around to different lots to meet various directors was PAINFUL. I just DO NOT accept Tina as a goddamn movie exec. 2 years ago she was fucking writing GRANTS at a goddamn halfway house! What the fuck!? (I know, I know, I say this every single week, but every single week it fucking blows my mind) ... Like remember when Shane was CamMan's (a BIG movie producer) assistant ... Don't you think Tina would have said something SOMETIME about her "past life" as a MOVIE PRODUCER? Like, "Oh, CamMan is great Shane, I worked with her at Sony" or "That mega bitch, she fired me from Columbia Pictures" ... NO, not one peep about it because this made up bizarro story line just popped up out of NOWHERE in season 3 (BETTY! DAMN YOU!)

Ok ... enough of that. I digress.

Btw, Garry Marshall, you should know better! But I guess when you've got a closet case for a sister (Penny Marshall) you gotta do cameos on gay shows. On the other hand, Jenny's fucking send up of Pretty Woman was fucking hilarious - well played (for one second).

SLUMBER PARTY!!!

Omg how great was it when Helena showed up from Mallorca wearing a fucking Sombrero ... I thought Sombreros were from Mexico not Spain, but I could be wrong. Hilarious none the less.

What followed had so much fucking potential - Tasha, Helena, Alice and Papi hanging out in Alice's bed. How fun is that!? Well, it's a total blast until old Leonard fucking shows up and rains on this pussy parade.

Also, I don't get it, was Leonard drunk? Cause he was acting all drunkity, but then was kinda sober-ish and his skin was oddly albino/translucent. Weird and a total waste of about 20 minutes of the epsiode. Like, I don't give a shit about Leonard or Phyllis. Why isn't she out of our lives yet! Why does Illene Chaiken feel like she has to tell every fucking lesbian who's ever walked the earth's story? Here is a news flash, Chaiken, you only have to tell the stories of the MAIN CHARACTERS and they DON'T have to know every single lesbian ever. Ok?

R.I.P SHAY AND SHANE

OMG. This was so annoying, I was just starting to like Shane as a mom/dad. This totally rots. I fucking detest Eric Roberts (does anyone watch Heroes? These two shows combined, while giving him a minor comeback are really making him out to be a fucking dbag).

MOIRA/MAX IS GETTING FUCKED!

I'm so fucking confused. Last week, Moira/Max's work was all tranny-friendly, giving him/her pats on the back and hugs for coming forward to help his officemate. Now, all the sudden everyone fucking hates him and is pushing him out of the company. Am I insane? Is this the same show? What? And on top of that his/her sweet mom who supported him/her DIES! COME ON.

Jesus this episode is fucking DEPRESSING.

JODI LOVES BETTE-E-BOOB (what?)

The sweet, sweet love between Bette and Jodi was just about the only GOOD thing to come out of this episode. They certainly had me thinking that these two love birds' sweet sweet love nest would be ruined ... well played Illene, well well played ... Of course i know what's coming next week, fucking TINA hitting on Bette, I'm sure of it.

MANGUS MANIA

I'm so sick of Mangus. He is a goddamn idiot. So he waits around the ENTIRE episode to talk to Kit and when she is finally fucking listening, you know what he says, "I'm stickin'" WHAT? What the FUCK does that mean?

ALICE AND SHANE ON TOP OF THE WORLD

Didn't it seem like these two were up much higher than they actually were? These two are TERRIBLY cute together - god love them. I must say that last time I defaced a billboard I was arrested and felt up by some dyke in my holding cell. Ok, that was untrue... at least the last part. Whatev, these two are so sweet. They are quite the artistes I must say. However, I'm not entirely sure that making a hot picture of myself look disgusting, stupid and retarded for all the world to see is my idea of therapy but to each her own.

Jesus! This ep was HORID.

Let me leave you with this final question... which storyline is the LEAST believable?
1. Jenny actually wrote a novel that was published.
2. Jenny actually wrote a short story and movie studios are FIGHTING over the rights.
3. Tina is a bigwig movie producer

I think you know what my answer is.

L WORD: LEXINGTON AND CONCORD (S.4.E.8)

2007-02-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

OPENING SCENE

Wild. Loved the weird Sounder comes back as a zombie and attacks Jenny in the garden bed. Hilarious - sort of random and went nowhere though, which was weird. But I still liked it. However, what I found even more wild than Sounder/Kujo/Pet Semetary was Jenny's old pubic halo of hair. Now THAT was supernatural.

TINA + HITTING ON BETTE = ME PUKING IN MY PANTS

I knew this was going to happen. Goddamn you Betty, why would you even suggest that these two would get back together? WHY? Ugh, be more pathetic Tina. It was YOUR choice to leave even though Bette wanted you back. It was also your choice to sport that disgusting, mop-top-feather-fluff you now call a haircut. Both myself and Bette will forgive you for neither choice you pigola. But wait, what is happening now? Bette is being so nice to you, oh, she is hugging you, awww, this is sweet - wait a second, what is that stage right? It is a deaf aardvark here to steal your dreams. Sucka.

I love that Angelica is signing already. Call me psychotic but I kinda hope that Jodi kills Baby Angelica a la Tonya and Piddles. Ok, that was just wrong. However, how funny would it be if they were all really nonchalant about the baby dying and Alice, in response to everyone talking smack about Jodi, was like, "Yeah, well, I still think she killed Angelica but what...ev...ah."

SHANE AND PAIGE SITTING ON A PORCH ... K ... I ... S ... S ... I am geeeee-ay.

Ok, love the gay PTA action going on with Shane and Paige - it's quite cute and a bit reminicent of two teenage dykes sneaking around so their parents don't catch them except their parents are named Jared and Shay and they're 12 years old. However there is one thing I find a bit suspect about this Lezbinator, how does she know about the "mythology" of Shane? She has neither met any of the other friendly lezzies on the show nor is she a part of the old lezbo scene, so how on earth does she know about the "mythology of Shane" as she calls it? Hmmm, I don't know. I have a feeling Paige isn't all she says she is - in fact, I'm specifically picturing Paige Sobel sporting a "I'd Go Gay For Shane" T-shirt before even meeting her.

KIT IS A MAN

Do any of you still have this episode on your TiVo? Go pull up the ep immediately and check out the "Kit Porter: Bareback" poster - the silhouette of Kit looks like it has a GIGANTIC cock against her leg. It's there I swear. I don't understand Kit at all. Angus cheats on you and Tina tells you - so instead of telling off this prick you WAIT until the middle of your first song at your long-awaited record launch during a song about having sex BAREBACK? WHAT? I do not understand nor like you Kit Porter.

Also, I know Kit always comes across as SO accepting and gay-friendly. I actually believe she is quite the opposite. Sure, she doesn't hate dykes but she sure as hell takes advantage of their libidos. She is ALWAYS turning to lesbians who dig her but only when it is convenient and necessary for Kit. Like don't run into Papi's arms when you have a problem with Angus. It's just weird and sad, you're not gay! Remember her fucked up relationship with the good drag king known as Ivan, Ivan A. Cock. Get a life and some straight friends you dyke-user-and-abuser.

Omg. I can't even really talk about the Papi/Kit dance/almost sex scene. My vagina just fell off. I tried to pick it up but it scurried away in fright.

LONG LIVE MAX

I can't even believe I'm saying this but Max is fucking awesome this season - he/she is the fucking best. Standing up for little chickies at the office and standing up to Jenny for being a cunt to all her friends. Loving it. Max is the best. I hope this freaky little intern for Our Chart starts fucking him/her, cause Max needs and more importantly, DESERVES, some girl-loving.

Speaking of Jenny, I'm starting to have some doubts about her recent megalomaniac streak. Also, keep in mind that Jenny's wardrobe always reflects her mental state. Last time we found her dressing like a flapper, she was telling Max he was a freak and would never fit in (this was while she danced around with that French-buck-toother/beav-a-tross). Back to present, even though I hate Tina and do not believe she is a fucking movie producer, I do think that Jenny should fork over the rights to "Lez Girls" to her. Ah, so not a good sign that old Bette was defending Tina to Jenny's agents, not good at all. Why can't she and Tina yell at each other again like back in the good old days? Like I don't even get it - 2 weeks ago, Tina was storming into Bette's office waving a piece of paper around and overacting - what happened?? Now we have to hold back vomit while they stroke each other's proverbial cocks.

SOMEONE SAVE HELENA ...

before she gets eaten post-coitally by that Purple Stick Bug! What is going on with her? That Purple Stick Bug is taking over Helena's entire life and it's fucking pathetic. Grow a backbone, Peabody, and spend some time with your GD children. I do not like that Purple Stick Bug, not one bit. She totally has a preying mantis head, admit it and while you're at it, also admit that you have NO idea what is supposed to be happening between these two.

Stick Bug's Gonna Fuck You ... and Eat You.

TASHA IS THE CUTEST

I love this little soldier. She and Alice are the cutest - but why does Alice insist on wearing Laura Ingles Wilder clothes? When she opened the door to let Tasha in, I actually thought it would be Michael Landon standing outside the door preparing to teach everyone a good and wholesome life lesson. What's next? Is she going to be dressed like a goddamn mormon (not the regular ones, but those polygamist ones who live in the wilds of Utah)?

From the looks of next week's ep and Phyllis' drunk, angry hubbie, Alice is going to need a solider around to protect her. Jeez louise.

WHY GOD!?

The last scene of this ep fucking sucked! Why on earth would you bring back Eric Roberts - Shane & Shay's dad, who I'm guessing is named Shayes. I mean, I know why but come on! Give us this honeymoon period just a little while longer. It would be much more heart-breaking if he returned just as Shane was about to sign a lease on an almost-new minivan. Goddamn You to Hell SIR Betty.(Yeah, I called you Sir, and I'm not going to stop.)

LEXINGTON AND CONCORD

Oh can ANYONE explain the title of this ep? I have no clue ... am I stupid? Or just gay? Or not versed in US History?

TOP SECRET: ADDISON SPIN-OFF REVEALED

2007-02-27T21:46:00.000-05:00

Yes this IS the only picture of Addison I have or need.

That's right, only here at After Portia, do we have a sneak preview of the Grey's Anatomy spin-off starring Kate Walsh as the lovely "Addison Montgomery" .... Here is a rough sketch of the pilot episode.

After a one night stand with Dr. Alex Karev, Addison realizes that she has to cut all ties with Seattle Grace and her past. She packs her things and heads to the airport and moves back East where she finds a job as an OB-GYN in a small hamlet on Cape Cod, also known as Provincetown, Massachusetts.

On the first morning she wakes up in her new home, Addison heads to the local coffee shop where she runs into the coffee house owner, Sarah Plimelton (played by Jessica Biel) who is her long lost friend from high school.

Sarah and Addison plan on catching up over dinner - they share a bottle of wine and compare war stories (Sarah talks of burned decaf coffee while Addison recounts that one time when she saved 7 sets of premie quintuplets). They also take a little walk down memory lane and remember a particularly steamy session of making out they once exchanged after a field hockey game (they were co-captains). At the time they had chocked it up to adolescent experimentation but silently Addison begins to wonder if it was once something more...

When saying goodbye, things become more awkward as they go to kiss each other on the cheek and accidentally kiss each other on the mouth and linger a bit too long. The awkwardness is broken when Addison's zany neighbor, Mr. Higglesworth (played by Andy Dick) stops by to borrow a cup of sugar.

Then Addison does doctor stuff - gynie doctor stuff.

L WORD: LESSON NUMBER ONE (S.4.E.7)

2007-02-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

I’d like everyone to know that I will be learning German tonight. I figure if Bette can learn sign language in one day (and sign language IS a language) then I most certainly can learn German tonight. Starting tomorrow I will be posting in my new tongue. Since it doesn’t take that long to do, learn German too and continue reading this blog.

I can't hear you sleep but I can draw you and watch you.

So Bette is sleeping and the aardvark is drawing her like a freak. I hate when people wake up in the morning and do shit when there is a naked woman in the bed. When I have a naked woman in my bed, I tend to do something outrageous: I STAY IN BED. God, go to sleep Jodi! Or have sex! Or draw in bed. Don’t get up and sit in that uncomfortable looking chair and draw a la Sendak. This aardvark is starting to annoy me a bit. And yes, her new name is Aardvark or Anteater or whichever. Are those the same animal? Oh well, I have no fucking idea but I do know for a fact that Marlee Matlin looks exactly like one… or both… or either. Still love her, don’t get me wrong but I have a compulsion for figuring out what animals people are (see Tina-pig). Oh yes, and quick point: didn’t Bette put Angelica to sleep before Jodi came over? Did she die during the night? I don’t remember Bette getting up in the morning and doing anything besides Jodi and putting on a wife-beater. Not that I’m complaining. I’m with Jodi – babies are stupid. Not to mention completely immature.

Ok, I would make fun of Bette learning sign language in one day a lot more if Bette didn’t look so GODDAMN CUTE signing. She is by far the cutest signer I’ve ever seen. And I once saw a baby signing to a dolphin. That was cute but Bette is cuter. Her and Jodi are okay (as long as you don’t focus on Jodi when they are kissing - the aardvark leads with its snout, check it out). Anyway, my only real problem is that Bette is being a fucking pussy and I don’t like it one bit. It is obvious this moron is going to get her heart broken by this Eater of Ants. Ugh. Don’t be dumb Bette, you should be breaking hearts. Nadia was only one, there has to be at least 1,000 more at this fictitious lesbian-ridden university.

Goodbye Sounder, Hello Love (Sung to the tune of A Chorus Line number - you know what I'm talking about)

Jenny is burying Sounder and Max hints to us that Jenny has said some truly nasty shit about Bette in the next installment of her book. LOVE IT. I’m predicting a massive bitch fight between these two hellcats. I feel like they’ve always had this delightful tension and I can’t wait until Bette rips her a new haircut. <-- That didn’t make sense but whatev, I’m allowed. The wife-beater twins are having some early morning hijinx. Jodi is being retarded and making Bette tell her boss about her sex life which is truly absurd. The only redeeming part of this scene was Bette calling Jodi “bad.” BAD!

Ooga booga. Yack.

Okay, was it me or was it a fucking leper colony at The Planet in the scene where Jenny, Shane, Alice, and Kit are all staring at Helena? Everyone looked so fucking terrible. I couldn’t get over it. Jenny was wearing some heinous yellow-dead-eyes-make-up. Kit was doing a weird pompadour hairstyle and Alice looked like she just came out of the kitchen to call little Timmy to dinner in 1952. At least Helena looked cute. The more ragged and poor this bitch gets, the hotter she is. I love it.

Tasha is all pissed off that Alice slept with Papi. Now, I totally agree that “double dipping” is really quite horrid. I’ve never understood hooking up with someone who has hooked up with a close friend. Makes me feel silly. And whore-ish. No thank you, ma'am. I'll find my own. However, Tasha, if you are really “best friends” with Paps you know that any girl who is her friend must be a former lover so don’t pull this shit now. Nice helmet idiot.

Sorry Tasha, I do love you. Just stop acting shocked. You’re gay, not retarded. I always like to remind dykes of this fact.

If I hear one more thing about OurChart.com, I’m going to put an embargo on the internet for myself. That means no more POSTS, ok? Think about it Ilene. You may not care about my little site now but when I stop and the funny, awesome dykes of the world have no outlet for their frustrations and no one to say the mean shit that they would never say, well, shit is going to hit the fucking fan Chaiken. I’m thinking the French Revolution but with dykes and more dykes and cool hats. STOP WITH THE FUCKING OURCHART. It’s stupid and annoying and unabashedly self-serving.

Jared, shut-up. Mommy is trying to impress Shane.

Ok, is Ms. Sobel gay or what? Her poor son wants so badly to believe that she isn’t a huge dyke and while she won’t say she is, she won’t tell the kid she isn’t either. Jeez Louise. I would think that Ms. Sobel would care a bit more about educating her kid who is obviously a homophobe and less about embarrassing the shit out of him in order to educate kids who she did NOT give birth to. This makes no sense. Also, this whole thing is ludicrous… but kind of cool.

Ha.

Phyllis won’t stop crying and I can’t stop laughing. At one point, she readjusts so that she is half-sitting in poor Tom’s lap. Also, why does Tom have to be there? In fact, why does Tom have a job anymore now that Bette is an expert on sign language? Tom, bitch just stole your job – what are you going to do about it? I liked Bette’s first love story, I hated Jodi’s. Bette’s reactions to the aardvark are all gems – JB is on fire this season and cannot be stopped.

Why is Max the best? How did this happen? I feel bizarre.

The Tina-pig shows up at The Planet to meet with Jenny and ruin Kit’s life. Good for her. Just when I thought her character had no place on the show anymore. Also, allow me a short interlude: is it me or is the hairdresser on The L Word giving EVERYONE the same haircut? There is no difference between the cut of Tina, Alice or Phyllis’ hair. At first I thought that Alice had worn Phyllis’ hair by accident when Phyllis left it in the bed after they had sex. But now I’m sure that someone is just giving these three the same haircut… and it is a fucking ugly-ass haircut. Knock it off.

Oh, how I wish I cared about Kit and the Anus. Just get him off the show and get on with it.

Tina trying to woo Jenny into signing the movie rights of her book over to Shaolin was like watching my grandmother try to eat a pickle. In case you don’t know what that is like, picture my grandmother taking 1 hour to get the pickle out of the jar and another 2 trying to get it in her mouth. It is revolting and deeply disturbing. So was this whole thing. Tina sucks, is ugs, and makes me want to die. Kick this bitch off the show. I just know she is going to have to get back together with Bette again. It is obvious that her character can’t stand alone and that sucks… for Bette.

That was fucking hilarious when Alice asked Tasha if she was black. I love these two and I hope they get married. Oh yeah, but the “Ask and Tell” helicopter was ridiculous and completely absurd. That shit doesn’t happen.

Um, sweet. But retarded.

Helena is cracking me up trying to find an outfit to get voluntarily raped in.

I am a stick-bug and you owe me 50 large. STRIP!

Speaking of voluntary rapists, who is this Catherine Rothberg? First of all, is she a dyke? Second of all, is she a stick-bug? She walks like some kind of humanoid praying mantis. It’s freaking me out. She is too tall. With her and Kristanna Loken on the show, the average height has been raised at least 2 feet. Monsters.

The Gay Institute for Kids was, in a word, retarded. I loved it. Shay and Shane are sweet. I love these two. I still don’t get Ms. Sobel but whatev, she’s cute.

Ok, Bette just think of the time Tina bought that dumb Baby-Birth-Machine-Tub without your permission

Bette has to stop with the fucking drama and waterworks with this loser. Be a man Bette or at least be that kind of woman-man thing we loved at the beginning of this show. Jeez, if you forgot how to do it, go see Tina, scream at her about something unimportant (see above), and then come back to Jodi. Vulny Bette is definitely cute but I’m getting a little worried for this pansy.

I’m going to be the first to admit that I have no idea what is going on in Movie Land with Jenny’s book. Since when was it even a book? Wouldn’t they be making a movie of “Sum of her Parts” before they made a move of “Lez Girls?”

Just so everyone knows, I know a lot of deaf people and when you whisper, “I think I could fall in love with you,” in their ear, they don’t hear it. Bye.

One at a time, easy does it..

Ooooh, mama-like Shane and Paige hooking up. Hotchie. Mama like a lot. They look kind of ridiculous together body-wise but if you train your eye to remain focused on only one at a time, its pretty hot.

Another great episode overall (I’m looking at you Mrs. Robinson). Here's to next week's being just as good.

___________________________

** I stole all these pics from AfterEllen and if that makes me wrong, then I don't want to be right.

L Word: 4.6 Luck Be a Lady

2007-02-14T20:32:00.000-05:00

This latest show was awful.........................ly AMAZING!

I'm even hesitant to write a post on it for fear of 1) jinxing the whole thing and 2) having nothing to make fun of.

This was by far the best episode of The L Word to date. TO DATE. In general, it was a fine piece of television. It brought me back to the flair of the Season 1 ep when the girls attempted a sting operation to out Laura but this episode was better in so many ways - not least of all the fact that the Tina-pig was barely in it.

I honestly feel like god has given me new life. Or maybe its JC, I have no idea. Someone up there is looking out for us though, I'll tell you that much.

For a second, I even thought to myself, "Wow, has Betty turned it around?" and then I slapped myself in the face and said, "Wait, a second, who wrote and directed this show??" and of course it was Angela Robinson, the genius behind D.E.B.S. God bless and keep you Angela Robinson. I hope Showtime hires you and kicks Betty to the curb. In fact, should we start a letter campaign? Who's in?

I'm without speech, the grandness of this episode in its entirety (down to the Max storyline) has rendered me speechless. But of course I'll give it a try.

Opening Phone Calls

Just wonderful. Every character was so perfectly encapsulated in this opening montage of split screens. Stand-outs were... well, actually everyone. Here are some highlights:

Shane: Lights a smoke while Alice is yammering away on the phone. I have to say that I've done this many times to friends and family. Also, when Shane approaches Jenny at The Planet, she says, "hey mama" - Jenny is unfazed.

Bette: Fuck you James! Just fuck you.
How I've missed Bette's tyrannical abuse of poor James.

Jenny's revenge

Ah, Jenny! You are so amazing this season - like what happened? I had completely written you off last season with your crazy circus flash backs and all the sudden this season you are a god damn idiot savant. Minus the idiot. Anyway, I digress, it was so amazing when she completely fucked Merkin with the entire borrowing a rando's cell phone to pretend to be an editor for "C Magazine" and of course Merk falls hook line and sinker. Leaving old Lindsay ripe for the taking!

Tina is a damn maniac

There is nothing better than a good bitch fest between Tina and Bette. Ah. Fighting over a toddler's education is so stupid and only Bette and Tina can do it right!

Sidebar: Tina was on screen for just the right amount of time, three minutes of screaming with Bette, than running away never to return. poifect.

Poker game at Alice's

Ok, when Helena was all, "Oh, poker is not my game," I knew right away this idiot was going to lose big by the time this ep was over. Oh yeah. Angie, baby, you were setting us up pretty good right there. The whole poker game was pretty damn comical, Papi juggling those 2 broads; Tascha punching Alice in the face - quite a hoot.

Sidebar: Tascha, not my type but very likable ... she could stand to dress better it is L.A., there is no reason to wear a black button down ... I do want to take the time to applaud the L-Word for introducing us to a character slowly, that we can actually get to know and genuinely like ... unlike some guest-stars (i.e. CYBIL)

Bette vs. Mangus: Round 1

There is nothing like a pussy-boy-cheater being bitched out by a former-cheater-power dyke in her office. AH. this was such a fucking good scene. Loved that Bette threw some ear-muffs on Angelica before calling him out on fucking the nanny. So good. Well played Bette. Let's be real, Bette is going to quite an earful (Girl, no you didn't know!) from her BIG SISTER when Kit finds out.

R.I.P. Debbie, owner of Sounder

I felt like my heart was being ripped out when Jenny and Lindsay were hanging out pre-cover-blowage. This scene also had a prime example of Jenny's new found brilliance:

Jenny: That fucking vagina wig.
Lindsay: What?
Jenny: Oh, that's just something I call my little baby niece.

I told you Jenny was awesome now ... and that's why it was all the more devastating when that old Vagine wig blew up her fucking spot and ruined everything with that old Lindsay.

Wow .... Moira/Max is a man afterall

I am so super proud of Moira/Max, he/she is such a real man, standing up for that girl at his office. Seriously, you KNOW how much I hate Maximus, but he was really great in this ep. and I'm awfully proud of that tranman.

Bette and Jodi

These two are adorable together ... I know, I know .... I take back what I said about that good Marlee, she is a delight ... and really quite adorable with that Bette. I mean we almost lost them with the whole Jodi diatribe about hating kids at dinner ... but she pulled through in the clutch and seems to be willing to give it the old Harvard try. I have to admit I'm a little scared that Bette is going to have her little heart broken.

Shane getting tame?

Ok, what is going on with the Shane ... actually caring about this kid? Leaving a premiere party early to show up at the Loeken's house and like "care" ... what is going on!? This is NOT the Shane that I know and love ... and if it is, I want it to be with Carmen. I miss Carmen.

High Stakes Poker Game

Ok, two things ... I told you so, Helena, are you a damn idiot!? and 2, how the hell did Papi, who I'm pretty sure is a limo driver by trade, get invited to play in this high stakes ($50K per player) poker game ... Like that made no fucking sense. Kind of awesome that the chick who won totally knows who Helena is and is going to make Helena pay the $50K in SEX ... loves it.

Can't wait till next week ... let's all pray that Angela Robinson is back. CoocoocaChoo! Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson ... Dykes love you more than you could know .. Oh oh oh ...

BRITNEY'S GAY SECRET?

2007-02-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

The classy magazine, In Touch, is featuring a cover story this week on "BRITNEY'S GAY SECRET!" - Here is a peak inside of it:

According to Fed-Ex's friend, Omar "Iceman" Sharif, Britney was into threesomes and girls. And of course Fed-Ex would not participate in these wild romps.

Also, In Touch mentions that Queen of Porn, Jenna Jameson, told Howard Stern that she was once propositioned by Britney Spears back in 2004.

Oh and another amazing source to this article was, Jason Alexander, no not George from "Seinfeld", the OTHER Jason Alexander, the one who married Britney in Vegas, who confirms that Brit Brit is into the ladies ...

Well, let me just applaud you In Touch weekly for your TREMENDOUS journalistic skills - these sources of Britney's gayness are STELLAR, and not at ALL TAINTED. I mean honestly, I believe Jenna Jameson - but Fed-Ex's buddy and Jason Alexander!? No. They are not to be trusted.

Honestly Britney, we don't want you! Stay out of the lesbo club, please. Thanks.

FIRST DYKE ON IDOL?

2007-02-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

Did any of you out there watch Idol tonight? I think I spied what (cross your fingers) may turn out to be the first OPEN lesbo on American Idol - that is if she #1 makes it through Hollywood and #2 is in fact a dyz. I mean we all had suspicions about little ol' sauce pot Nikki McKibbon on Season 1.

My hair says I'm at least bi.

Anyway, if you haven't already guessed, I'm talking about Tammy the Peddy-Cab driver from Denver, she sang "Whipping Post" and sported a lovely lip ring. She gave off a certain je ne sais gay that I think will come out in a nice magazine spread in a few weeks.

Wait a second, I'm having deja vu ... I'm seeing suspenders .... and more suspenders ... tons of them ... it's coming into focus ... oh it's Briana from American Idol Season 3 ... so that might make Tammy openly gay lady number 2.

I'm gay and wearing suspenders... yeah!

BREAKING PAPI NEWS: Papi is Ms. Dewey

2007-02-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

Who the hell is Miss Dewey, you ask? Well, she is the star of an interactive search engine called, appropriately MissDewey.com. And she happens to be our good dyke pal, Papi , also known as actress Janina Gavanker. Essentially, Ms. Dewey is Papi minus the spanish accent, corn rows, insatiable appetite for pussy and with a hot outfit and still sassy as hell - It's an interesting little site and it probably helps Janina pay the bills so god bless it. Everyone should go to the website to support that good ol' Paps and type in After Portia to support good ol' me.

L WORD - LEZ GIRLS (S.4 E.5)

2007-02-05T20:08:00.000-05:00

Nudie Max ...

Yack! Did they really have to start the ep with a big naked Max? Like I get it Max, you want to be a dude, and hey, that's great and all, but can you at least maintain your pubis area? I mean that was OUT OF CONTROL. I know no one is really going "down below" on you - but for your own sake keep the pubes in check man!

Mangus fucks (over) Kit ...

Alright, I think we all know where I stand on Kit Porter (aka Big Pam Grier) and I've never understood her and Mangus' twisted relationship (remember when he took her to a fucking anti-abortion-abortion clinic? idiots) but is Mangus really nailing the weird-sort-of-German nanny? I mean poor Kit has enough problems - a dyke sister, a dead father, a drinking problem, a fat ass - but now her Mangus has to cheat on her? Jesus. Can Mangus show any remorse either? That doesn't seem like our Manny. I will say that this gernny (German + Nanny? doesn't really work does it?) has zero discretion - she is acting like Mangus is hot. 10 bucks says she puts the moves on Tina's vagina next week. This sucks. Oh well, I'm over it.

Jenny, Jenny ... Jenny and the Vet ... (sung in the cord of Elton John's Benny and the Jets)

I totally love and respect Jenny so much more now that she has taken the stalking of Weiner-dog's girlfriend so far that she is actually killing a goddamn dog. That is commitment - especially from the girl that couldn't commit to Tim, Moira, Max or anyone else for that matter. Poor poor Sounder. What's up with the Vet taking Jenny out to dinner. That certainly makes no fucking sense. My dog died once and my vet didn't take me out to dinner, she just charged me about $100.

Is Phyllis an IDIOT?

I just don't get it - why did she buy Alice that BIG LESBIAN SEX book? As if Alice, a pretty much bonafide dyke, doesn't know what to do? It makes no fucking sense. Thank GOD, Alice seems to finally be coming to her senses after meeting Philly's hubbie.

Helena is a hot mess ...

It was suspect when it appeared that Helena was actually putting together a catering service. She just looked a bit too comfortable making dinner. Did anyone else think this made no fucking sense? How does HELENA know how to cook? And even if she did, how does she know how to cook for 200 people? And let me just say - if the writers were set on having the food be destroyed, couldn't the reason have been because Helena is NOT a caterer and not because some Napoleon-Dynamite-waiter dropped 10 glass on it? Knew that wasn't going to last.

Papi and Shane 4eva ...

Are Paps and Shane going to fuck or what? The Pap-inator obviously wants it bad and Shane does not give two shits, it's pretty great, I like. But eventually these two "stars" or "constellations" or whatever the fuck they're called on "Our gayass Chart" have to fuck, it's just a fact. I miss Carmen. Kristanna Loeken is cracking me up as the sex-pot-single-mom who wants Shane's shit. Hilarious. Loving it.

Bette and Tina eat Cobb Salads ...

These two idiots are going to get back together, aren't they? I truly believe that the Cobb salads that these schmos ordered are a thinly veiled message sent to us by Betty. Ugh, I hate your weird symbolism Betty, it stinks.

I HATE to admit it but ...

Marlee Matlin is growing on me at an alarming rate. I know, I know, I ripped this deafie a new one when I heard that she was going to guest on the show - but this "Jodi" character is not terrible. Quite delightful in fact. I like this little rodent. She is sassy and she is bringing out a good side of Bette. I'm going to go crazy and say I like Tom too.

Jenny does NOT belong in The New Yorker ...

For those of you not cultured enough to subscribe to The New Yorker, take it from someone who does: you would NEVER read an article in there called Lez Girls by Jenny Schecter. It would sooner feature a short story by Danielle Steele with a forward by Nora Roberts. Understood? I still don't understand how Jenny was trying to defend herself by saying the characters weren't caricatures of her own friends. I mean that was sad. Alice got her pretty damn good with, "don't ever fucking compare yourself to him" comment re: message from Monet.

L WORD: LAYUP (S.4.E.4)

2007-01-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

The Opening Scene...

OMG. What an ILL way to open the show: an Alice, sweating profusely with a Phyllis going down on her. ACK. GROSS. FUCKING MADE ME PUKE. This has probably ruined Alice in my eyes forever. Two words: TAINTED goods. Not only did they fuck like rabbits but also somehow Alice woke up with Phyllis' hair on her head and wore it for the rest of the entire episode. Ew. Honestly though, this was revolting with a capital vomit. I don't want to be rude but there is ZERO chemistry between these two and I felt weird and silly in the tummy watching it. Kind of like how you feel when you walk in on your parents having anal sex when you are 12. NOT HOT.

The Opening Credits...

Why do the guest stars (re: Marlee Matlin and Cybill Sheperd) have to be in the opening credits? That is fucked up, I mean I thought that Jenny puking up blood in the opening credits was weird*, but these two guesties is just too much and makes me miss Dana or anyone else that is HOT and not UGS and OLD. Ok, that was too much. Seriously, that old deafie Matlin doesn't look as terrible as I anticipated but still, I'm not happy with the entire L Word Season 4: The Senior Citizens Brigade.

Alice and Papi talking in the Planet...

At first I did not like Papi at all but now I think she is growing on me. Case in point, when she talked about fucking her own mother's best friend and called her a "Hotass old lady," not bad, Paps, not bad at all. Weird that her and Alice are buddies now after they hooked up. I think its a little odd. I do think these two have a bit of chemistry and I'm hoping maybe they'll get together for real one of these days. Or maybe I'll take anything over Cybill. I'm not sure.

California University...

Phyllis. EW. Why must you #1 exisit and #2 walk in slow motion down the hallway checking out every UGLY woman in the world? Oh my god. SICKNESS. I cannot stand this Phyllis madness. And like the whole,"women-radiate-after-sex" thing is OLD. So tired and OLD and retarded. It's fucking stupid. Maybe The L-Word needs a real writer, not a fucking tired old hag musician named ELIZABETH "I am Betty" ZIFF. Oh yeah, hold on to your seats ladies, old Ziffer is holding the reigns on this show tonight. It's going to be a wild ride.

Jenny and her Antics...

Ok, what is going on with Jenny and this fucking dog? While it is mildly hilarious, it is crazy. Ok, wait. It's actually just really funny. She is allergic as shit and that thing is flopping all over her while she drives. I love it. I love crazy Jenny. I always think I hate her but then I realize that crazy Jenny makes me happy.

Max Coming Clean...

Ok, I really hate to admit this but I feel pretty sad for that old Moira/Max. That was way way harsh. Poor old Moira/Max was just keeping it real. Brooke is terrible.

Alice and Helena's Apartment...

Alice teaching Helena to play basketball with the "you're drying your nails" technique was very funny and I thought it might redeem the old Al in my eyes ... but then guess who dropped by to RUIN IT ... PHYLLIS of course. Harassed the shit out of Alice and then smacked a smooch on her like she was her grandmother. Awk. Also, does it make any sense for Alice to volunteer Helena as a caterer which she is not? Nope. Thank you Ziff.

Shoe Shopping...

Of course Kit has to put up a fuss at the sneaker store saying, "I don't wear no double digit shoe" ... ugh. Shut up and buy a bigger goddamn shoe.

Nadia in Class...

Nads is getting a bit ballsy in class. As if she would grab Bette's ass like that. Come on. Are we supposed to assume that Nads is showing Bette that she isn't afraid to embarass her so she better keep sleeping with her? Bette was totally not having that shit. I feel a little empty about this whole thing, especially after the hotness that was the ending of last week's ep. Like, what happened after Bette tore off the seatbelts? I need more character motivation! I hope Nads turns out to be insane and stalks Bette much like that weird girl Tara stalked California University student Kelly Taylor on a little show I like to call 90210. I believe that ended with an attempted suicide/homicide in a Mustang on a cliff. I'm hoping for something equally amazing at the end of this storyline. You just know Nads ain't going quietly into the night.

Shane at Back to School Night...

That picture that Shay drew of Shane and Shay was HILARIOUS. But actually quite sweet and lovely. Great appearance by Kristanna Loken. I like where this is going. Mama like a lot.

Bette and Alice by the Pool...

You know why I love Bette? Because even Bette is disgusted by Alice and Phyllis. Ah, thank god someone on this show sees the light other than Dana because she DIED.

Basketball Game...

Yack. Can we talk about the basketball game for a second. There were some scary scary dyzzys out there. Jenny has a fucking coffee in her hand. Tina is identifying as a lesbo and covering Bette. This is a damn dream. Papi fucking slam-dunked. That is absurd. Alice breaking away and squeeling was hilarious. This whole thing was pretty fucking awesome and hilarious and as always, made no fucking sense. I LOVED IT.

Overall this episode pretty much went NOWHERE. Tina was there for about one point five seconds and all of her friends hated her, yelled at her and wouldn't even play with her (like they were five years old). Was she even invited? But seriously, thank you Elizabeth Ziff for writing an episode that really had no point but to have the various dykes on the show play basketball. I mean, while I thought it was great, it seemed that this entire episode was solely created to lead into that basketball game. As if The L Word fans have not been clammering about more girl-on-girl sex, or less death of our favorite characters, or no Betty. Really, we just want the b-ball. You are an idiot, Ziff.

*I actually think Jenny spitting up blood in the opening credits is kind of awesome and maybe I yell out "cool!" to the TV everytime I see it. Try it, it's a fun game because it is hard to catch when it happens.

My Top 5 Favorite Lesbian Sex Scenes: Movies

2007-01-28T17:42:00.000-05:00

Let's admit it , everyone - boy, girl, straight, gay - loves a lesbian sex scene, am I right or am I right? But us dyzzys have a vested interest in these big screen gems. And lucky for us mainstream movies have more and more lesbo sex scenes these days which means we don't have to scour the internet for indie flicks (which I have done in my day). Thank GOD.

So, here is a list of my Top 5 Favorite Lesbian Sex Scenes: Movie Edition

Nothing like sucking face in pink gloves.

#5 BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER
But I'm a Cheerleader is so awesomely what AfterPortia is all about - You can be a cheerleader and a big ol'dyke too - and luckily for us it's also awesomely hot. Love it. While the premise - gay therapy camp - is crazy as shit, it does make for a great campy flick. When Natasha Lyonne aka Megan and Clea Duvall aka Graham finally make out in the alley and then fuck (ahhhhh!) I think we all wished that we were sent to gay therapy camp just a little bit. I think we also all think, god, what a disgusting piglet Natasha Lyonne is and how fitting it is that she became an apartment-ransacking meth addict. Different thoughts, both valid. One more thought, why was Clea's character named "Graham?" Ugh, I get that they wanted gender ambiguity but why pick the name "Graham?" At that point why not just call her "Stewart" or "Lester"? Ok, regardless, Clea Duvall is hot when she has sex with ladies even while fucking a goblin or an even uglier species like a lyonne.

Mama, come out from behind that fence!

#4 GIA
I'm pretty sure that everyone, straight, gay, asexual, whatever, will agree that Angelina is hot and that they would fuck her. That being said, Gia, is the world's wet dream. Who knew that two girls running around naked fucking against a chain link fence would be so god damn hot? Me.

Wattsa on topsa.

#3 MULHOLLAND DRIVE
As crazy and mind-fucky as this movie was it was also amazingly gay. You probably have to watch it three times, read a synopsis online and then put a spell on yourself before you understand what the fuck is going on between the characters but one thing that that you know from first viewing is that Naomi Watts aka Betty/Diane and Laura Harring aka Rita make one hot lesbo couple. Their love scene pops up pretty much out of the blue in the first act - like there are pretty much NO clues that these ladies are dykes except for my own fantasies but that is what endears the scene to me. Also, the women were hotchie motchie. However, I will say this, as hot as this was, the crying slash masturbating scene with Ms. Watts actually made me go out and fuck a guy. Well, no I didn't but I did feel myself being ungayed as I watched it. Luckily, I came to my senses and rewound to act one and had my own masturbating party sans crying. I KID!

Nothing like a neurotic jew to turn me on.

#2 KISSING JESSICA STEIN
Obviously, Kissing Jessica Stein is a SEMINAL AfterPortia movie for more reasons than one: hot girly girls, make-up, dresses, gayness, etc. But the love scene in it, while definitely not the most graphic we've recounted here tonight has so much build up and tension that it definitely tops the hotness chart. With all the awkwardness that Jennifer Westfeldt aka Jessica and Heather Juergensen aka Helen deal with - the fucking sex booklets,etc - when they finally hook up in Jessica's childhood bed its pretty fucking great even if we only get an audio cue. Don't get me wrong though, I'd love to actually SEE those two bone each other in that twin bed (don't ever try that, it will only work on movies, trust me).

Cool.

#1 BOUND
Let's just say watching Gina Gershon aka Corky & Jennifer Tilly aka Violet in Bound probably solidified my gayness. And if that isn't bad enough, I maybe then sported a wife beater and pretended to be Gina Gershon many a night in my room. But I digress ... back to my favorite scene... I can't decide which scene is hotter - Corky and Violet on the couch or them on that ratty disgusting mattress. That mattress is really dirty and gross but they are fucking like crazy people - super graphic, super awesome. Then again, there is something really hot about that couch scene. Maybe it is J. Till's high-pitched crazy voice or maybe its the fact that she is finger-fucking Gina Gershon. One of these factors makes me gay. Even my perpetual association with the name Corky to the loveable yet idiotic retard on Life Goes On could not destroy their organic hotness. Yeah, I said organic, it was weird but I think appropriate.

HONARABLE MENTION

Lost & Delirious: Piper Perabo gave her first performance as a babydyke in this flick. Unfortunately, because it is about teenagers it cannot make the list. It makes me feel like a giant peddy. But it is still hot - I mean these 2 teens are fucking TOPLESS. Fuck it, I'm a proud peddy - HOT.

Imagine You & Me: So sweet and so cute. Love both these bitches in this movie but couldn't they hook up a little quicker in the bed of roses and show some tittie? Too much?

Monster: A shock, I know you gays didn't expect this. However, I owe you the truth. I still think the scene outside the roller rink with that dirtbag Selby and that huge killer was kind of hot (mostly because it was backlit and we didn't have to look at those creeped-out faces).

Be sure to check back soon for another edition of My Top 5 Favorite Lesbian Sex Scenes. Coming soon - TV Scenes.

A Day In The Life ...

2007-01-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

Something so typically lesbian happened to me yesterday. I have literally told anyone and everyone who would listen and now, dear dear dykes/lesbos/bois/grrls and anyone else, I will share it with you in my first non-celeb/non-dyke-entertainment-news post.

NOTE: Names and places have been heavily veiled in order to protect the identity of those closet-ed individuals involved.

Yesterday, I was in browsing in a MEGA Record store in UNION SQUARE (I crack myself up) looking for The Hills: Season 1 . Whatever, I like The Hills so lay off. Anyway, it doesn't come out until February so I started perusing the other various selections and happened upon a giant selection of Valentine's day inspired books, DVDs, CDs and games. One book, a little gem called Best Lesbian Erotica, immediately caught my eye. Now, I'm not terribly shy about buying things that scream"LESBIAN" but I'm also not always terribly thrilled to carry out the purchase. So it was with the slightest trepidation that I picked up this little book. I quickly shook off my anxiety by thinking to myself, "Honestly, who gives a shit about what I'm buying and even if they did care, WHO ON EARTH would ever SAY anything to me about it?" (I think you know where this is going).

So I meander over to the cash register with my big lesbo book and another DVD, which actually probably screamed DYKE too now that I think about it in combination with the lesbo book (it was Friday Night Lights - I'm not terribly into sports but I really like the TV show - jeez, why do I keep justifying things to you people?) Anyhow, I reach the counter and plop my purchases on the counter and the woman helping me starts scanning them in.

Now would be a good time to describe her: maybe early 20s, looks like she goes to the New School, dyed-blondish-hair which was a little shorter than shoulder-length (some obvious roots) sort of half-pulled up, she was on the heavier side of large and was wearing "funky slash trendy" square framed glasses. She also had a tiny stud in her nose.

Here is what transpired next:

Cashier Lady: [takes Best Lesbian Erotica and looks closely at the back cover as she scans it. Continues ringing me up then picks the book up again for a closer look]
Cashier Lady: Hmmm
Me: [pretend to look at something in my bag]
Cashier Lady: Interesting.
Me: Excuse me?
CL: Is this any good
Me: Um, not sure. I haven't read it. It LOOKS damn good though.
CL: Haha, yeah. I just thought maybe you had already read it?
Me: Nope. That is kinda why I'm buying it.
CL: Right. Well I'm definitely going to take a look at it on my break.
Me: Great.
CL: Yeah, should be good.
Me: Okay.
CL: Well, thanks. I mean, enjoy! Here's your receipt....
Me: "BABYDYKE, IF YOU WANT TO ASK ME IF I'M GAY AND IF I'LL BE FRIENDS WITH YOU, JUST DO IT!"

Ok, I didn't say that last part but come on! I mean, this encounter was totally harmless and actually very sweet but it was also hilarious. It reminded me of how little babydykes are so fucking hard up for some lesbo contact that they will accost strangers with the slightest hint of gayness about them and endure such awkwardness for the remotest possibility of getting a lesbomentor. I have to admit, I use to be one of these little crazies. I used to fantasize about some big lesbian angel who would take me under her wing and teach me all about the ways of gayness (I remember her looking a lot like Sally Field from The Flying Nun).

To sum up and without trying to be too preachy, if you come across one of these scared little babydykes, don't be a dick like me and instead, throw a dyke a bone.

Or check out your community center for any Big Dyke, Little Dyke mentoring programs but only apply if they actually call it "Big Dyke, Little Dyke."

Blind item outs ... ANNE HATHAWAY!?

2007-01-23T21:10:00.001-05:00

Am I Gay? COOL.

Could it be TRUE? Could goody-two-shoes, Anne Hathaway possibly be GAY? Amazing. Love it. Hope to GOD it's true. The good people at AfterEllen have been discussing this blind item** possibility all day and think that it's probably Anne Hathaway and either Emily Blunt or Heather "Wiener Dog" Matarazzo, frankly, I don't think it's either of these ladies. Emily Blunt is a bit too cool for old Hathy and Wiener Dog is a bit too disgusting slash out.

I think there are really only 3 choices for who might be Hathaways secret lover ...

1) Michelle Williams, Co-star in "Brokeback Mountain" - This seems like an obvious choice that people have passed over. Don't you think the whole "falling in love with Heath Ledger and having a baby and living in Brooklyn" thing happened rather fast? YES. Probably because old Mich Wills was heart broken when the Hath dumped her and rebounded with an elaborate beard ... i.e. Heath Ledger and child. Complicated? Yes. True? Maybe.

2) Bijou Phillips, Co-star in "Havoc" - Sure, no one saw "Havoc," but old Bijou seems like a very lesbionic little lady to me. I can totally see her corrupting the SHIT out of Anne Hathaway, even if that meant going down on her.

3) Chelah Horsdal, Co-Star in the yet to be released, "Passengers" - Random though "Chelah Horsdal" may seem she and le Hath are starring together in 2008's "Passengers." Hmm, what's weird about "Chelah Horsdal" you ask? Well, for one she is Canadian. Oh and you know what else, she has a role on the LESBIAN show, "Exes & Ohs." Suspicious. Very suspicious. Cause let's be real, we all know that lesbians love to be on lesbian shows.

Am I Gay? COOL.

VERDICT:
So I'm putting my money on Chelah Horsdal being a bonafide dyke that has slept with good old Hathy.

** Here it is just in case you missed it ...

This actress was always the goody goody. She has worked hard to change that image by doing less family friendly films and making sure to wear enough see through dresses on the red carpet. She wanted to lose the squeaky clean image to get better roles, but also to sell the idea that she was sexy and desirable to men. She has no desire for men, just wants the world to perceive her as a sex symbol. Everything was going according to plan until her last movie for which there were raves. There she met another actress and love was in the air. They were inseparable for the entire shoot and even got an apartment to share. Once filming ended, our actress decided to end the relationship for fear it would damage her career. The new lover who has been quietly out for sometime and is quite the scene stealer thinks our actress should get smart and stop pretending and start living.

Kiki from "THE O.C." is a DYKE!

2007-01-23T14:58:00.000-05:00

That's right Kelly Rowan, aka Kirsten Cohen, aka Kiki on The O.C. is gay.

Okay, that is a total exageration and basically a LIE, but I was flipping around last night and just happened to catch the tail-end of the amazing yet retarded and melodramatic made-for-TV-movie, The Truth About Jane (2000) and yes, of course, I stopped to watch. I was oh-so pleasantly suprised when good old Kiki from The O.C. showed up as brassy teacher, Ms. Lynn Walcott. Love it. Good old Stockard Channing was such a god damn psycho-mother in this flick. It was fantastic. Kudos Lifetime.

L WORD: LASSO (S.4.E.3)

2007-01-22T20:58:00.000-05:00

Finally! Good old sassy and HOT Bette from Season 1 is BACK and back to her old feisty ways. I’ve waited so long for this moment. I mean, I even stood by this bitch while she found Buddha for an entire season. I don’t even like this TA whore that much but I’m all about Bette getting dirty again. I wonder how Steven Speilberg feels about the whole Kate Capshaw playing a Dean-fucking-lesbian-thing ... also, I wonder how he feels about her being hot but oddly fat in the face (am I right, or am I right? I'm right).

While this episode really highlighted the glory that is Bette Porter (case in point, her showing up looking HOT and acting SASSY at Tina and Hal's gay-straight-mixer-debacle only to then top her own self by hooking up with her TA), it also showcased the idiocy that all too often can be ALICE ... AHHH. You know, I take it back - its not Alice's fault - showcased the idiocy that is Betty and Ilene Chaiken, and what the hell, Rose Lam too. What the hell are you doing!? You are fucking insane! Thinking it's a good idea for Alice to go out with that pig-fat that is half-lesbian-half-geriatric -Cybill-Shepherd called Phyllis. Yuck.

I'm so mad at you Betty and Ilene Chaiken. Like I get it with Max/Moira, you wanted to tell the story and show the journey ... er, excuse me, the "transition" ... someone goes through who is a tranny-dyke. Fine. I don't LIKE IT necessarily, but I'll suffer through it. But, seriously, did you REALLY have to tell the story of a 60+ married woman who all the sudden - because she MEETS ONE GAY WOMAN - decides she has been gay all her life? Like, no. That is stupid. I don't want to hear that story and I certainly don't want you tainting one of the only good characters left (ALICE) by allowing her to FUCK THIS THING? Like what? Alice goes from fucking the hot-to-trot-slut-fest Papi to breaking the girl-on-girl cherry of a woman old enough to be her mother's mother? No. Ilene, Betty, please. I just do not fucking buy it and I just do not fucking like it. Period.

That being said, I also thoroughly enjoyed the homage to A Street Car Named Desire avec Jenny. Comparing Jenny to Marlon Brando is in fact pretty fucking hilarious. That being said, the Papi meets Shane Spagehetti-Western homage just wasn't as good. One homage a night, kids, let's not get crazy.

And what was the deal with Tina and Hank's friends at their “gay/straight” mixer and why were they such giant sterotypes? Also, which nitwit was in charge of putting names in that bowl? Why did they have to be the GAYEST THING on the face of the earth or the most HETERO thing on the face of the earth? Why didn’t someone just put Robin Williams in there so everyone could be happy?

Overall, this ep was best yet of the season. Welcome back Bette.

4 OUT OF 5 LESBIANS AGREE...

2007-01-22T09:21:00.000-05:00

It is time to kick some dykes ass-first out of the closet. Here are my musings on which celebs are gay, which aren't, and which should be. I've rated them in a secret dyke language that only homos can speak.

OPRAH WINFREY
10 out of 10 beards have finally been shaved off

We all know it. Oprah gay and not just a little, she a total dyzzy. We’ve all heard the stories about her and Gayle but a couple of things you may not know: 1) James Frey had a conversation with an unnamed publicist wherein he stated that Oprah’s entire staff is gay but they are not allowed to speak about it (ok, perhaps Mr. Frey has a small grudge but still, if it acts like a gay, talks like a gay, and HAS A GODDAMN GIRLFRIEND NAMED GAYLE, it is usually a gay) and 2) apparently there is a lawsuit going on against a man who has insider information into Oprah’s gay love life. To my knowledge, these two facts are not related to each other. However, I'm sure once Oprah reads this blog, she will sue James Frey or at least publicly eat off his balls and vomit them back up in his face... again.

VERDICT: Oprah is living in a huge, lavishly decorated, designer-saturated walk-in closet.
_____________________________________________

KATE WALSH
0 out of 10 lesbian-owned kitty cats eat eachother out

Love you and your pencil skirt-high-heel-lab-coat combo but answer me this: are you interested in Izzie or what? Ok, Kate's totally not gay at all but I really want her to be. Maybe Jesus can pull a fast one for me and have her publicly come out tomorrow. But, please, JC, don't have her come out just so she can reveal she is dating an old hag (see Sarah Paulson and Cherry Jones). My vagina went into a catatonic state when she first heard about Sarah and then about Sarah AND Cherry - she was so excited but then so disgusted that her little brain went into sensation overload and died. I don't think we can go through it again.

VERDICT: More hetero than George Clooney.
_____________________________________________

CLEA DUVALL
5 out of 10 comfortable shoes say they've been walked in

I’ve never quite heard rumors that Clea might be gay but I’ve always attributed this to the fact that she wasn’t quite A List enough to get attention for it. I get a gay vibe from this chick but then again I also get a gay vibe from Kate Walsh which proves wishful thinking can be interference for gaydar. Clea did “play” gay in But I’m a Cheerleader… Then again, Natasha Lyonne is so repulsive that it doesn’t really count. A nympho-hobo-dyke wouldn’t touch that shit with a ten-foot dirty dildo. Something about Clea’s face just screams out gay to me. Yeah, just a dyke-face look, that is my only proof. God bless and come out soon. We’re waiting.

VERDICT: Undecided.
_____________________________________________

KATHERINE MOENNIG
10 out of 10 strap-ons fuck other girls

Even without J. Beal’s supposed “slip” in an interview, I think we all know that Kate MUST be gay. She just must be. I mean, come on. If you aren’t convinced, try picturing Kate Moennig having sex with a guy. Now try picturing a porcupine fucking a mako shark. Hint: it's the same.

VERDICT: Gay-boi to the max.
_____________________________________________

RACHAEL RAY
1 out of 10 vegetarians puke up her disgusting cooking

I only even list Rachael Ray because apparently you can only be a successful female TV host if you are a big old dyke (see Oprah, Ellen, Rosie, etc.). While I think this historical truth is great for the gays girls, as a woman I'm hoping to see a straightie prove she can be a TV host phenom for the following reason: I think it is easy for the hets to say that only a gay woman, aka: a woman with male-ish tendencies (their mentality, not mine), can be successful in a male-dominated realm. Sadly though, Rachael Ray might as well just be a dyke because she sucks too hard to break this stereotype on her own.

VERDICT: Not gay and we don't want you anyway.
_____________________________________________

ELLEN PAGE
4 out of 10 baby-pink triangles are stitched on her britches

Not only did she play a castrating-maniac with Mia Farrow’s Rosemary’s Baby haircut in Hard Candy but she is also set to star in a lesbian werewolf TV show. No further speculation but smells like a babydyke to me.

VERDICT: Miss Page will probably become a LUG* at Brown University and then go on to join Scientology and become a beard for Jake Gyllenhall

*Lesbian Until Graduation
_____________________________________________

JODIE FOSTER:
9 out of 10 carpet munchers dance on a shag carpet

We've all heard the rumors so let's not be redundant. I will say that she is apparently good friends with Elizabeth Berkeley. That is gay. I don't think they are being gay together though, I just think old Fostie has had the hots for her ever since she saw her in... Any Given Sunday. Thought I was going to say Showgirls didn't you? Goddamn dykes, so predictable.

VERDICT: Totally gay and even more annoying. Just come out already, no one even gives a shit about you anymore.
_____________________________________________

QUEEN LATIFAH:
8 out of 10 U-Hauls park in front of her house

Ok, she played a dyke in Set it Off. She kind of played a dyke in Living Single even though they never said Kadijah was a gay character. She had her own talk show (if I haven't made it clear enough, if you have a talk show and are a large, funny woman, you are most definitely a dyke). She supports gay rights and gay marriage and she is in the middle of adopting a baby. Are you kidding? Just be a dyke already, jesus louise-us. And also, can all the closet gay celebs stop being all pro-gay marriage? I think that is more insulting. So, note, if you are a gay celebrity don't fuck with my mind and be all "straight" but pro-gay. Either be a gay or don't, stop fucking with us.

VERDICT: Rumor has it that Olivia Cruise line is in talks with Latifah as a new spokeswoman.
_____________________________________________

DOLLY PARTON:
9 out of 10 big breast loving dykes rejoice

Dolly is apparently very out in Dolly-Wood Land. What the fuck IS Dolly-wood? Regardless, I think Dolly transcends gayness because she is so fucking awesome. Who could forget when she fed Shelby the orange juice after she had gone into a diabetic shock? Whether addressing diabetes or gaydom, Dolly is a sage and a hero.

VERDICT: Gay and awesome. I don't care if she comes out or not.
_____________________________________________

NICOLE KIDMAN:
9 out 10 female plastic surgons cop a feel while fucking with her face

Being married to Tom Cruise means one of two things: either 1) um, you are a fucking dyke or 2) you are a fucking moron. I don't think Nicole Kidman is a moron. Plus, I heard she was a big gay back in Australia before coming to America and when she was on Broadway, everyone who worked with her said she was a huge puss-monger. As for her recent weird plastic surgery, I have no explanation.

VERDICT: Anyone who marries Keith Urban and dates Lenny Kravitz must be a lesbo.
_____________________________________________

KELLY PRESTON/KATIE HOLMES
3 out of 10 manicurists cringe

These Scientologist-wives are so fucked up that they probably don't even HAVE vaginas. I'm not saying that Scientologists steal vaginas. That would be rude, I have no proof. I'm just saying that they whisper crazy demonic things at vaginas until the vaginas go crazy and trick their owners into marrying huge fucking fags like John Travolta and Tom Cruise. I actually do think Kelly Preston might be gay since J. Travs is a total homo and I kinda like her so she should be gay. I don't really think Katie Holmes is gay but I do hope she gets raped by Oprah.

VERDICT: Preston before Holmes - Katie's clearly in it for the greens - but I wouldn't put hard money on either.
_____________________________________________

DOLLY THE CLONED SHEEP:
6 out of 10 lesbian bunnies hop around

No real reason. I've just always got the feeling she was a little too touchy-feely with her clone.

VERDICT: This was stupid.
_____________________________________________

LEA DELARIA
1 Lea Delaria confirms she is a big dyke

Eh, I just don’t buy it.

VERDICT: Totally straight!

FEMALE GAY GENE DISCOVERED

2007-01-14T23:57:00.000-05:00

AND HIS NAME IS MICHAEL FISHMAN.

After watching Heather Matarazzo (aka: Weinerdog) guest star in this latest episode of The L Word, I came to a startling revelation. I don't know how I didn't think of it sooner but the proof cannot be denied: Michael Fishman (aka: D.J. Connor, aka: the youngest of the Connor clan on TV's hit show Roseanne) turns women gay.

Cute Kid or Dyke Svengali?

Let's enumerate the many examples of Michael Fishman, who will now be known as the female gay gene (FGG), making women homo-fied:

1) Sara Gilbert: played D.J.'s sister on Roseanne and is now a full-on dyke.

Damn you DJ

2) Heather Matarazzo: played D.J.'s girlfriend on the later episode's of Roseanne and is now, you guessed it, a full-on dyz.

Kissing you turned me into a vagina-fiend, Mike. Thanks.

3) Roseanne Barr: played D.J.'s mother on Roseanne, and was bisexual-slash-lesbian for a few minutes I think.

4) Jackie Harris: played by the amazing Laurie Metcalf, not gay in real life to my knowledge (although I wouldn't be surprised) but eventually was revealed on the show's last episode to be a gay character.

I don't think I'm gay but my character was thanks to Mr. Fishman

Ok, ok, I guess all these gays have another link: the show Roseanne. However, I firmly believe that being around Michael Fishman makes women gay. In fact, I think growing up and watching him on TV may have made me gay.

How did you get out alive?

REVIEW: Beals on "Law & Order" Last Night

2007-01-13T15:43:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that the Beals' is BACK. Finally, Beals' has lost her baby weight (god love a pregnant woman but let's be real, no one wants to fuck one - oh yeah, except for EVERYONE on L Word Season 2) and looks GOOD. Took long enough, jeez ... But I'm just happy that she is finally back to her Flashdance-ing good looks.

finally. she's back.

Overall this ep. of Law & Order was just alright - I mean, it's ALWAYS nice to see Beals on network TV and it was quite a treat to see a rare guest appearance by good 'ol Anna Chlumsky, aka Veda Sultenfuss, as Beals' baby-burying-assistant (btw - didn't she get a PhD in Math? No, wait, I think that was Winnie Cooper. My bad.). However, I'm still kinda pissed about the show as a whole. I mean come ON, Anna Chlumsky's character WAS beyond sketchy with her wild-cross-eye-bit but no, they had to pin the entire replacing-a-dead-baby-you-pretty-much-stole-from-Africa- with-a-convict's-baby thing on Bealsy. Oh yeah, and will everyone just leave Madonna alone? Jesus, she's doing her part: both adopting an African kid and, more importantly, throwing Vieira a bone on The Today Show with an awkward interview.*

Not cool Law & Order, not cool. Why you gotta make these pseudo political statements in the show? It kind of reminds me of the time you made someone a dyke for about 2 seconds before she left the show forever - aka Elizabeth Rohm - like what was the point? Obviously NBC had just gone through some diversity and acceptance in the workplace training and someone was like, "Sweet make her a dyke for her last 2 seconds," instead of just making a regular character a dyke. Can you please stop insulting our intelligence and just admit that Detective Dyke, I mean Detective Nina Cassady is a big gay? While you are coming clean, admit also that the ADA, played by former Maxim pin-up Alana De LaGarza is just a big fat whore? Thanks.

fake dyke.

should be a dyke.

whore.

*Speaking of The Today Show, there is another L Word/Madonna connection. Ukelele-obsessed Cybill Shephard and Madonna were on The Today Show on Thursday. Did anyone see when Cybill shamelessly ran after Madonna to introduce herself and force her into a one-sided embrace? I felt embarassed just viewing it.

L WORD: LEGEND IN THE MAKING (S.4.E.1)

2007-01-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

Let's start with the very LONG recap of Season 3:

1) We all remember what you did to Dana. Not showing any of it in the recap doesn’t mean we forgot. We’re gay, not lobotomy patients. Probably a hard distinction to make for the creators of Moirax and Tina.

2) Damn, Season 3 was goddamn crazy. Oh, and stupid.

On to the show:

Well, Kit is certainly bigger than I remember. I feel bad making fun of Pam Grier so much. It is my New Year’s Resolution not to ridicule her big porpoise body and reasonless existence on this show. I’m going to let it all go. But she big, I’ll just say that.

Alice looks cute. I’m sad Lara is gone but I’ll mitigate this feeling by focusing on her negatives: she was kind of annoying when she was with Dana post-Alice. She seemed really obsessed with her chef stuff which is plain old boring. When Moirax said that weird lobster thing at dinner, Lara muttered, “Well I’ve never heard that” like she was the standing authority on all things food. Then there was Lara's throwback to Martha Washington's hairstyle in one episode. Yuck. And yes, it was sick that she and Alice were having sex with each other since they were both picturing Dana but at least they were cute while they did it. Anyway, bye Lara, good luck with your food.

Wait, wouldn’t have it been awesome if Lara left to be on Top Chef? Totally meta, people. And then Tiffani Faison could repay the favor by guest starring on The L Word as one of the ugly, large and in charge bulldykos in a random club or something. Please note that *I* had this idea first (you never know what Chaiken will do next and I’m just covering my bases).

Ok, why is Jenny stomping all over the place like a petulant child? Forget it, just answered my own question. But she is being freakier than ever. Love Alice’s reaction to Jenny telling Bette that they all would have done the same thing and kidnapped their own little biracial rugrat. Not only was this stupid but let’s think about this whole intervention in relation to Bette, the interventionee: ok, Alice is probably a genuine friend to Bette even though they have some history and I guess Kit is a friend, although I don’t think Bette would hang out with this pig unless they were, at MINIMUM, half-related. However, what about the rest of this cast of idiots? Helena fucked Bette’s girlfriend of 8 years WHILE she was pregnant with her half-kid and THEN got her fired from her job which turned Bette into a Buddhist-loving-sad-sack mere shell of her former alpha bitch self. Ok, Jenny. Sure, Bette and Jenny have been great from a juxtaposition standpoint and their polarity was interesting to watch in Season 1 and 2 but Jenny and Bette have spent probably 3 minutes alone together, 2 of which they could actually muster something to say to each other. And finally, the cream of the crop: Moirax. Um, really? You think ass-kicking baby-napper Bette gives two flying fucks what shitshow Moirax thinks she should do? This intervention is a half-assed piece of shit. Thank you Jenny and Alice for making it worth watching though.

Oh wait, guess who just stomped in the door? At first I thought it was Jenny again but it was really Pig-Tina looking dumber than ever. Yuck. She comes in to scream like a banshee so Bette can hear (as if the intervention could be any less productive at this point). Tina just can’t pull this off though and I’m left wishing Bette was yelling and swearing instead of this wild, melodramatically gesticulating dumbass-beast.

Overall Alice is cuter, Jenny is weirder, Max is manlier, Kit is bigger, Tina is dumber and yet we are to believe that Season 4 is picking up RIGHT where Season 3 left off? Again, your audience, Chaiken: gay, not retarded.

Now Bette is in a weird restaurant with the little brat plomping around in her seat. Teach this kid some self-control please. God, I really love Bette. Even though she is being absolutely retarded, she is still winning my heart. God love her. Ugh, the only thing that brought my mood down was the Phyllis interlude. Just knowing old-ass sag-bag Cybill was on the other end was enough to give me a full-body case of the heebie jeebies. I loved Bette yelling about a sippy cup but seriously, who yells in the middle of a restaurant? I mean, seriously, think about it. This time, however, I applaud The L Word’s marriage to the illogical since for once, it resulted in a laugh (and not in death, see Dana).

What is Shane doing besides annoying me? Ever heard of subtlety L Word? I was much more affected when Shane showed her self-destruction in her face after cheating on Carmen than this stupid display of excess and DUMB with a capital idiot. Yeah, we get it Chaiken, we get it. But please, let the massacre continue, obviously you think we need these things repeated to understand.

Hold on a second here, have I found redemption in this scene? I HAVE. Cherie is addressing Shane as “little freak” but it is way cooler than that. She isn’t just saying, “Why don’t you fuck me, you little freak” but she is actually saying “Little freak, go get me some oreos" or something like that. This is awesome and, as with all other decisions on this show, makes no sense! I love it! It reminds me of the time when Carmen, instead of being upset that Shane cheated on her, instead became a black and white cartoon and threw a pizza in Shane’s face. On with the circus please...

Helena and Alice at the airport is PRETTY funny but I guess but I’m kind of over it. Helena look a bit old in this here scene. She should feel right at home among the Seniors (welcome Cybill and Marlee). Alice is great as usual but am I the only one that thinks the whole riches-to-rags-and-the-hilarity-that-ensues is a bit played out? Why not just give Helena a blond feathered wig and amnesia and then have her meet Kurt Russel and his gaggle of kids on a yacht? Ugh, I’m bored but still love these two.

Back to the studio with Moirax and Jenny. Can anyone tell me why these two fools are even hanging around each other still and why neither cares that they hate one another? I mean, Jenny a loon, we all know this but Moriax “acted” as if he really liked her. These two continue to traverse the space-time continuum of WEIRD. This scene does have some great lines by Jenny, the best being: “So there’s this mismatch, because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you’re not a girl.” Awesome Jenny, well-done. However, just one small point: how do you have all this gay pride and identity when you’ve been “gay,” oh, I don’t know, about a year?

It is at this time that I have to announce a small fantasy to everyone. I have delusions of quitting my job, buying a whole crazy street-urchin-chic wardrobe and gallivanting around the U.S. acting as fucked up as Jenny. I do, I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

Tina and Harold or whatever his name is are banging on Bette's door. I have nothing to say about this scene since I care more about my own scat than I do about Tina or Harrison. However, I WILL say that I love that Bettte changed the locks the day after Tina moved out. Could it be that my old Bette is back?

Why is the motel Bette is staying in from the 1970s? Wild. And how did pigola Kit find her? Ugh, and what was up with M’Anus kissing her after she vomited? Was that supposed to show devotion because all it showed me was that this relationship was sicker than I suspected.

Ok, I take it back – I love this Riches To Rags story! I loved Helena’s pronunciation of Hyundai and I love Alice!! All the wrong has been righted. And even cuter that Alice wants Helena to move in. Last time Alice let someone crash, it was a pregnant pig called Tina. This has to be better than that.

Jenny’s book is called “Sum of her Parts” and, from what I can tell, the cover features a large pair or shears. Oh no, not evocative of the wonderfully depressing humor behind “Running with Scissors” but signaling CUTTING YOUR OWN SELF. Tasteless Simon & Schuster & Schecter, really quite tasteless. Anyway, Jenny is approached by Helena and Alice. Alice says something like “Oooh, its Jenny Schecter, will you sign my book?” Jenny doesn’t get the joke and there is some awkardness back and forth which I didn’t quite understand. Jenny recovers by masturbating herself to a review of her own book. Then somehow and for no real reason, they start teaching Olde Helena of Yore what a computer is and how to use it. They show her OurChart.com. DIGRESSION: Let me ask everyone something about The Chart, is there one good reason why everything has to be linked to space? I have an intense hatred for space and all things intergalactic and I don’t understand why my love for lesbian hookups has to be cancelled out by my disgust for galaxies and planets. Ugh, its like eating a banana split while being kicked in the face. Not fair. Anyway, all this leads us to the introduction of the well-hyped Papi. That was a lot of crap we had to go through to finally get to you Old Paps. You had better be worth it.

I’m going to abort myself Kit-style if I have to watch another scene with Moirax. Speaking of this travesty, I saw it on “The Out 100” and it was apparently in ShortBus with its “girlfriend” who looks like a crazy cross between Gallagher and an ugly drag-queen. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I love Joyce Wishnia now and the scene in her office was AWESOME. Even Tina’s terribleness cannot overshadow JB’s quick-witted, overly-articulate insults. For example, Bette explains that her friends don’t hate Tina for turning to heterosexuality but hate her for using it against Bette. The best part is that Tina never ventured that her friends had hated her. Point Porter. Next, Tina gets a good quip in calling Bette a biracial child. Point Canard and pretty sweet insult for this Pig among Pigs. But then Bette lances back saying that Tina wasn’t qualified to live and sleep with her for 8 years. Oooh, Candice Jewel in your face, piglet. Game, set, match.

Moirax at his support group was the equivalent of watching my grandmother die. Yes, that painful. Although do you think they cast any straight guys to play the trannies? Man, that would suck if you were a straight guy but cast as a little ftm tranlet. It reminds me of those disgusting nerds they cast in that commercial for the Motorola razor cell phone where they are all standing around looking disgusting and nerdly and you can’t help but thinking, “oh my god, someone CAST you in this role you goddamn loser.” Also, I loved how they smartly spaced out the chairs so each tranny could adopt a boy-sitting-pose and spread out their legs. Awesome. So real, so true.

Why is this sick, weird French sea-monster visiting Jenny? I’m so confused. They met for like a day and then had sex once? Ugh, Jenny, your retardation knows no bounds. I love you.

In response to the scene where Hank and Tina pick up Baby Death from Bette: since when does handing off a kid require five years worth of cooing and passing off to your fat sister? I almost liked M’Anus for refusing to babysit Death when she was with Mama T (please realize I type “Mama B” and “Mama T” with substantial irony). Although I don’t really understand how M’Anus’ refusal hurts anyone besides everyone's beloved Baby A.

Papi going up like 200 links in 24 hours should clue Alice in to the fact that Papi, picture withheld on the Chart, is obviously some dyke-loser-hacker sitting in her basement fucking with the stupid chart because she can’t get any ass. Come on, Al, I thought you were smarter than this.

I can’t even talk about Shane and this disgusting display of dumb. It is all stupid. Shane walking away from the wreck and making it home, a-limp, makes me want to fill my face with lead.

Please tell me that Kit did not just go to a crazy clinic. Are you kidding? Her and idiot-boy didn’t research where she was going? Really? Seriously? I'm sorry but if I'm going to let someone rip me open and kill a baby inside me, I'm doing the research. In fact, I'm using the internet. Kit, next time ask Helena for help, she just learned the computer. Kit did go bananas though and that was pretty cool. Telling that doctor she would abort his head was pretty awesome.

I loved the fact that Carmen’s cousin literally kicked Shane to the curb but I’m also upset that we were SO close to the lovely Carmen and couldn’t see her. That sucks. What did Sarah Shahi ever do besides makes us open our hearts to her? Huh, Chaiken, what did she do? I wish Carmen would have killed Moirax while she had the chance. I’m pissed.

I’m so confused by everything going on with Jenny and Frenchie. Its as if there is one writer for Jenny and she learned she was getting fired after the Season 4 Premiere, so she threw all her weird, fucked-up ideas into this one episode as a last hurrah. Oh, how I wish this were the case. It was just stupid watching Jenny and French Freak in their S&M scene. Like dumb. Something about S&M in the middle of the day, with sun shining lovingly through a curtained window, on a beautiful fluffy white down comforter doesn’t quite resonate. Moirax acting all wounded from the door didn’t help.

Now we’re at The Planet for Jenny’s book signing. This whole thing was so divine I can barely speak of it. We start off by an out of character chant of “Arson!” by our crassly demure Bette. We end with Kit announcing Jenny but being waylaid by… Alicia Keys? No, Paula Abdul in the “Opposites Attract” video? Hmm, not her either. OH MY GOD ITS MARINA (in a top hat). My excitement only slightly ebbed when I saw how much older and haggier she looked. Much like the theme of this L Word Season. Who cares though? Marina’s back and Jenny’s face is AMAZING. These are moments I love the Krish.

Well, I spoke too soon. Soon, everything that was amazing about this reunion is ruined. I wanted there to be less talking between Marina and Jenny and more bitterness and craziness and mind-fucking. Instead, Old Frenchie had to poke her teeth where they don’t belong and be all strange. Next thing we know they are all standing in a room and Jenny seems more interested in her crazy frock than having sex with these two dolts. Why does this Frenchie want to have a threesome with Marina? Why does Jenny agree? Why does Marina want anything to do with Frenchie? Why don’t Marina and Jenny do some sex stuffs??? Ugh, they’ve ruined everything again. Bring back Dana and kill her in a brutal car crash, I don’t care anymore.

Now Shane has limped to her doorstep. Stupid. Let’s make it worse. Carla is sitting in the bird-cage swing thing. Took me about five minutes to realize who she was. And even then, I didn’t care. Carla, I hate to break it to you, but, if someone breaks up with you, you don’t spit up blood. Physiologically, that makes no sense. But I was kind of enjoying this little moment between Shane and Male-Shane’s Counter-Carmen. I could even deal with Shane’s stupid remarks about “making him believe he could change.” Ugh, vom. However, I didn’t quite understand why Carla was so pissed at Shane though. I still don’t. Someone explain it to me. Now, I must say, as STUPID and DUMB as it is for Carla to leave her own goddamn kid on Shane’s back porch, it was fucking awesome when she did.

This is exactly what the producers of The L Word don’t understand: we’re not asking for everything to make sense but when it doesn’t, at least have it be cool or funny. Then we’re more likely to forgive. Oh, and kill eunuch Moirax. Just do it. Even you want to, Chaiken.

Can’t wait for the hags of Episode 2...

ROSIE, PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT KELLY RIPA AND CLAY AIKEN

2006-11-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

Who knew that Gaykin co-hosting on Live With Regis and Kelly on Friday would turn so amazingly bad by today? Come on, on Friday when Gaykin was teasing Kelly a bit too much during host chat we all sort of thought, well this Gaykin is getting a bit too big for his britches and NOW, Kelly Ripa and Rosie O'Donnell are fueding over "homophobic" comments. Fucking A-Mazing.

So for all of those who haven't seen it on YouTube and weren't watching here is a brief time line:

Friday 9am - 9:10am: During first Segment of Live with Regis and Kelly, Clay Aiken starts taking little tiny un-funny jabs at Kelly. They are akward and on the mean side, clearly subtle ribbing is not something Clay can handle (unless its a condom in his bum that is).

Friday 9:34am: Clay, annoyed that he has not been able to ask Emmett Smith a question about his own self, covers Kelly's mouth while she is about to ask a question. Kelly is clearly annoyed and says, "No no no, you don't do that ... who knows where your hands have been." Which OBVIOUSLY is funny since this guy clearly jerks off to kiddie porn and fists guys with those hands, but also OBVIOUSLY that is not what cheery old Kelly was talking about.

clay has NEVER done this.

Flash Forward to Monday at about 9:05am: Kelly explains to Regis that she felt Clay was being rude and wouldn't have covered the mouth of a man had he been co-hosting with a guy - he would have been jerking the guy off (ok she didn't say the part about jerking off)

Tuesday 11:05am: Then today Rosie O'Dykedoll has to get her two cents in. She calls Kelly Ripa homophobic, claiming that Kelly's comments were spurred by Gaykin being just that gay. Of course, Kelly is watching the GD "View" from her office upstairs (Live and The View are in the same building near Lincoln Center) and calls in to the View - where she proceeds to tell Rosie off and say that Clay was totally rude the ENTIRE time he was at Live.

Yeah Kelly!

FUCKING AMAZING. But the point of this little story of closet-ed gay divas and morning show hosts, is that Rosie O'Donnell must be stopped. At first we were all happy to see her back on morning TV, but now it's just annoying. All she does is talk about being GAY. Excuse me Rosie, but do you REMEMBER what happened to Ellen's funny great sitcom when it focused on her being gay? Let me refresh your memory, it became serious, boring and was cancelled. Rosie, we stood by you when you teamed up with boy George and we turned a blind eye when you got that flock-of-seagulls fucking dyke butch mullet cut ... and when you stayed up till all hours of the night writing on that gd blog of yours, we listened but can you PLEASE let up on the gayness for a few minutes and start harrassing Hasselbeck about being such a conservative bitch ... and Joy Behar, you are NOT helping! We thought you would reign this dyke tyrant in, but NO, Joy, you are egging her on!

Also you're looking more and more like a fucking retard lately, can you work on that too?

we-tard.

DYKES ON "DEADWOOD" - WHO KNEW?

2006-11-19T14:54:00.000-05:00

I've never seen HBO's Deadwood and honestly, I never ever thought I would have cause to watch this machismo filled Western drama, however just today I read that there are in fact DYKES on Deadwood! No wonder guys love this show - there is some girl on girl action - albeit rather butchie action between "Calamity Jane" (quite a dykey name and persona, please note the feather in her cap) and Joanie Stubbs, a madame at the local brothel.

ick. Calamity is the one on the right.

It's really a shame Calamity is such a damn pig because I was almost tempted to tune in. Joanie Stubbs would be bareable but I'm just not convinced I could put Calamity's man face behind me. Has anyone out there seen this? Thoughts? Comments?

i could watch this western dyke.

SOUTH OF NOWHERE

2006-11-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

Just so we are clear I want to say that South of Nowhere is exactly the kind of show that After Portia is all about - two pretty normal girls in love who actually wear skirts and cute clothes - AMAZING. Well done "the N," whoever you are.

CUTE BABY DYKES ... YEAH!

However there are a few things that I just have to say ...

Number 1: Why is Paula a fucking maniac? Does anyone else remember last season when she was practically fucking that other doctor, and poor Arthur would just drink himself to sleep on the couch? Like why is she all upset about Spencer being gay when she is a fucking adulterous hussy? Annoying.

Number 2: Can Spencer and Ashley MAKE OUT already? Jesus Christ, I know this is TV PG, but all the straighties are sucking face and Spencer and Ashley are hugging it out all the time. Puke.

THIS IS MORE LIKE IT

Number 3: Along the same lines "the N" needs to get a lesson in how ladies have sex, because apparently they think flitting around in your bra, a jean skirt and a robe equals lesbian sex. It's a tad more interesting than that.

GET NAKED ALREADY.

Honestly, I love the good old South of Nowhere and think it's terrific, but maybe if they got a better consultant and not the old Rose "Atrocious" Troche from The L Word, notorious for just making lesbians pathetic (Bette) or dead (Dana), things would get a bit better for Ashley and Spencer.